After I got back together with my husband i was stuck in the mindset of things going back how thet use to be with us. you know before the affair, and before the separation i just had it in my mind that I wanted that old thing back with us. I always envisioned the day that we would be back close staring at the t.v doing nothing but enjoying laying near his heart, and breathing in his scent; but boy was I living on fairytale island.
As days turned into months i found myself trying to reinvent us, and he was still stuck on the island of why did i come back? He told me that I had hurt him so bad to the point where he hated me, and he really did not know why reconciled back to this marriage. Was I stock to hear this as his wife? Yes! And I started at that point to retract on all that God told me to stand for where my marriage was concerned.
So many thing at this point where running through my mind. Like was he still seeing this other woman while trying to see if he still could work on this thing we were still calling a marriage? I felt so mislead by what he felt towards me on the other side of his heart. I want to revert from him even thinking about the things that he let come out of his mouth to me. But I could not stop him from feeling low in love, and low in comfort. I understand I hurt him. But did that cause for him to go out, and shame me by cheating with some woman?
I tried to lie to myself that everything was going to fall back into place, and I somehow convinced myself that my husband was just acting strangely because it’s been two months since we had lived in the same space, and we just needed to readjust to one another. Again i was so wrong for thinking so immaturely. I lost him to the source of another person, and I now was being compared to her. He told me things that made me want to punch him in the face, and I wanted to find her, anddraw blood; because she had not just slept with my husband but she comforted him, and nutured his heart that was collapsing.
I wonder if the road could ever turn for us in a positive way, and then i was thinking of how revengeful i wanted to be toward him; so I compiled a plan of action to disassociate myself from my husband. bad idea, because the only person that i was hurting in the long run was myself. Why? because I am his wife, and I am the one that is confessing to be saved, and filled with the Holy Ghost.
I spent months being uncaring, undesirable, and unbothered by the needs of my husband. I becae detached from what made him happy, and what I needed to do in prayer for God to get the glory. I fell into a deeper pit that I allowed myself to fall into. And lets be clear it wasn’t the enemies fault this time I solely allowed myself to push my husband further away from my heart all because I did not want to be truthful of the hurt, and lack of communication that I was displaying.
The more I would push him away the more he returned to satans playground, and I didn’t care because I was using my pain to fuel my plan, and I was not going to shape my heart in the.right direction just because i know that it would give peace to my home. Oh yes I was burning up with deception lies, and a cry for revenge because I relaized that my heart was bleeding.
I was so convinced that if i set out to punche my husband that it would make him see the era of his way, and that he would come begging for my forgives. Now at this time i was blinded by this bed that I made , and proudly dressed in the material of my own hell. Could not easily rn back to God, and ask kfor His help this time. So I had to lay in this bed of discomfort while my marriage was still bleeding, and suffering more than ever.
After awhile I found myself dying a little on the inside daily; because I could even stand myself, I was already broken on the inside, and now I made myself hate my own husband instead of praying for healing I created hatred in my marriage. The eneny a filled day with the plans that I put together for my marriage. He became the main dancer in my one woman show in destroying my marriage.
[bctt tweet=”Guarding your heart in your marriage is the worst thing you can do as a wife. ” username=”@MendTheVow”]
All of this transpired in a blink of an eye, and after seven months of being back together I am finally able to see clearly , and work on, and past the deceit in which I have place in my marriage.
Hello! My name is Jereè and I began this BLOG to share my journey as a Woman unapologetically as I start the process of mending the pieces of my broken life with God’s help by sharing my life #UnMended while Baring the deepest parts of myself has been very hard, but is so worth it in the end to see the woman I’ll become. So Cheers to healing, and to celebrating my freedon as a woman, in love, in life, and in faith. May you also grow from what I’ve grown from. Xo Jereè