The Un-Carried: An Empty Womb

When I was a young girl I was sexually victimized to the point where it left me unable to conceive the normal way like any other woman. This left me feeling like I was an incomplete person I use t to look at other women that were happy healthy, and yes pregnant with little toes in their womb, and I would begin to feel that burning anger of dissatisfaction from the pit of my soul. nothing felt in place in my life because I was robbed of the innocents to make my own choices.

Here’s my backstory!

I was sexually abused from the age of 8 years old until the age of 12 years old by this monster named (T.C Martin) which at the time lived in Los Angeles CA

(1990) The first encounter of abuse went on without anything short of perverted. I remember laying on the couch, and he comes T.C he came in the house without knocking and asked if one of my older brothers were home I replied no not thinking anything of my answer to his question. He then proceeded to make his way int the doorway, and enter in our home he looked around to make sure no one else was inside with me. As he came over by the couch he cuffed me up in his arms telling me that I was going to be his little woman, and I being only 8 years old felt nothing of what he said until he starting touching me in a way that a grown man should never touch a young girl. He felt so slime, and I felt so sick it was like my spirit was watching everything that was happening to me, and I could not do anything to stop it.


[bctt tweet=”I felt like I was somewhere else because to my knowledge nothing about this felt normal.” username=”@mendthevow”]


He just did not want stop touching me. He kept saying that it was normal for this to go down, and that i could not tell anyone.

This was the first day of many that I would be left home alone with no parental supervision, and this was known by T.C this was why it was so easy for me to become his unwilling victim of sexual abuse. As the days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months the darkness came again, and again there grew a thick cloud of fear over my life. I was not the same, and I would never be the same.


The first sign of deep depression was at the age of 8 years old when he first placed his hands into my panties I tried to resist him, but he kept nudgging me back, and i did not have anyone to help me. I felt so low inside my spirit. I had always found solice in God but I could not even reach out because i had to keep my mind off of everything else, and run to somewhere safe in my mind.

After every unwanted touch of abuse by him, the depression came and after the years of silence, and the rape at the age of 11 years old I broke my silence at the age of 12 years old, and finally told someone. That day in (1994) was one of the best times of my life. I was finally able to breathe for myself, and I did not have him breathing the lies of fear upon my neck. the escaping from his claws were finally undone or so I thought.


After I turned 18 years old I move out of California to Nevada, and everything was somewhat ok in my life. I was working, and I was trying my best to live normal “whatever normal maybe.” At this time in y life, I was scheduled to go to the doctor for just a normal checkup or so I thought. The doctor runs some tests and a few weeks later I go back into the Doctors office to have them read the tears begin to flow as he read the results. You have Chlamydia, I was shocked because of what I was hearing. How? Why? and when did I possibly get this?

As I gathered my thought and turned back into life, and to what the doctor was saying he explained that Chlamydia can lay dormant for years without being detected. He then proceeds to ask me a host of questions pertaining to me being sexually active. I told him nothing about the rape because I was not comfortable, and I didn’t want his sympathy.

The Doctor read off further information on some other test and mentions that chlamydia corraded my fallopian tube, and there is not a good chance that I would be likely to carry a child to full term, or in my case at all. This really devastated me, because after all the pain that I went through as a child I still had the desire to have children. But he stoled that away as well. I received the treatment I needed and was cured by the medicine because it was curable with taking antibiotics.


He had this look in his eye like you did know you had this? And I explained that I did not come from a home where we routinely went to the doctor, and his the look on his face was in disbelief.


I was so ashamed, and so hurt by this new information I just received. I wanted to just die, but I was so young, and still want to succeed at something anything to make my life mean something to myself. I wanted to change, but I was so damaged by the cycle of abuse I just did not care about myself anymore. Fast forward to the age of me turning 21 years old (2003) I was back in California, and I move with life not moved on but just going with the flow of it. At this time in my life, I am in love with the thought of being in love. I have a man in my life, and it’s working. The year is coming to an end when ooops i find out that I am prego.

Yay right! Nope, 8 weeks into the pregnancy I find out that the baby is growing on the outside of the tube, and they immediately schedule a surgery to remove the baby. I was livid I told the Doctors that they were not going to remove my baby, and if they’d tried anything I would have my man beat them up. I was in my feelings yes but truth be told they were only trying to save my life.

I thought that life was finally being good to me, and then here comes another failed thing in my life, and to think of the thought of me overcoming all that I went through up until that point in my life. Things kept going downhill for me. I finally agreed to give the Doctors permission to operate, and things got handled.

The baby girl or baby boy that I could not carry to full term would have been 15 years old this year,

‘I didn’t realize how many women suffer from pregnancy loss in silence. We are taught not to talk about the bad.’





Here are some facts about Chlamydia

Chlamydia is a sexually transmitted disease. The number of new cases is steadily on the rise. The symptoms of chlamydia infection can vary in females from little or no symptoms at all to abnormal vaginal discharge, severe pelvic and abdominal pain. In males, the symptoms are more localized consisting mainly of penile discharge, pain with voiding, and occasionally, painful enlargement of the testicle.

If left untreated in the female, chlamydia can cause scarring of the uterus, tubes, and ovaries, which can cause tubal pregnancies and sterility. If left untreated in the male, scar tissue can form inside the urethra creating strictures and obstruction, and rarely, scarring of the testicle structures and infertility.

It is possible that your one friend has chlamydia even though the lab test is negative. This is because the chlamydia organism doesn’t always show up on the test, even though it may be present. It has a lot to do with the type of test and the way the specimen is collected.

Your friend who hasn’t had sex in a year could have chlamydia. Chlamydia can lie dormant in the body for extended periods of time, with little or no symptoms. This is especially true in the female.

It’s very important that both the patient and partner see a physician and get treated with antibiotics as indicated. Treatment is given if there’s a clinical suspicion on history and physical exam, or if there is a positive chlamydia test. Sometimes more than one antibiotic course is necessary to eradicate the infection, or it may crop up again.


Now after all of this defeat. Do you think I’m going to just take this sitting down? no i am fight backing with the prayers Hannah to God over my womb, and you can to belows.

Hannah’s Prayer


“So Hannah rose up after they had eaten in Shiloh, and after they had drunk. Now Eli the priest sat upon a seat by a post of the temple of the Lord. And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the Lord, and wept sore. And she vowed a vow, and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head. And it came to pass, as she continued praying before the Lord, that Eli marked her mouth.

Now Hannah, she spake in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard: therefore Eli thought she had been drunken. And Eli said unto her, How long wilt thou be drunken? put away thy wine from thee. And Hannah answered and said, No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit: I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but have poured out my soul before the Lord. Count not thine handmaid for a daughter of Belial: for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief have I spoken hitherto.

Then Eli answered and said, Go in peace: and the God of Israel grant thee thy petition that thou hast asked of him. And she said, Let thine handmaid find grace in thy sight. So the woman went her way and did eat, and her countenance was no sadder. And they rose up in the morning early, and worshipped before the Lord, and returned, and came to their house to Ramah: and Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her.

Wherefore it came to pass, when the time was come about after Hannah had conceived, that she bare a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, Because I have asked him of the Lord. And the man Elkanah, and all his house, went up to offer unto the Lord the yearly sacrifice, and his vow. But Hannah went not up; for she said unto her husband, I will not go up until the child be weaned, and then I will bring him, that he may appear before the Lord, and there abide for ever.

And Elkanah her husband said unto her, Do what seemeth thee good; tarry until thou have weaned him; only the Lord establish his word. So the woman abode, and gave her son suck until she weaned him. And when she had weaned him, she took him up with her, with three bullocks, and one ephah of flour, and a bottle of wine, and brought him unto the house of the Lord in Shiloh: and the child was young. And they slew a bullock and brought the child to Eli. And she said, Oh my lord, as thy soul liveth, my lord, I am the woman that stood by thee here, praying unto the Lord.

Therefore also I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the Lord. And he worshipped the Lord there.”
‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭1:9-26, 28‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I pray that you will learn from my truths, and that if you are going through similar battles you are not in the fight by yourself. reach out, and e-mail