Is This Your Move Or God’s Move?

Is This Your Move Or God’s Move?

Nothing is as easy as it seems before you have to walk through a door that your not sure God told you to close.Jereè – Founder Of Mend The Vow

After everything that has happen between me, and my soon to be ex-husband i have been feeling some type of way about turning in the final judgement papers. Why? because things will finally be offically over between him, and myself on paper. I mean I already accepted the fact that the marriage is dead as a door nob I know this is a cold way of feeling about someone that I have loved so deeply for such a long time.

In the past few weeks I have been feeling like I do not know what to so when it comes to this marriage. I know that two hearts must be in place in order for things to move forward in mending the vows that we have took before God, but there is a deepness in my heart that is often saying do not give up. I  know that I am more than his wife on paper I am still his wife in the eyes of God no matter where he is currently. But what I am unsure of is if I want to fight or just stay where I am at away from him, away from the countless nights that I had to sleep without him crying my eyes out day in, and day out because of what our marriage had become.

There was always something to fix, and something to heal, and someone to give our time to other than our marriage, and I highly disliked ptting my marriage on the back end of thngs. I know it sound selfish, but we always ended up helping everyone, but our own marriage. I believe more time together would have helped heal things within my marriage. Now all I have is the what ifs, and the could haves playing around in my head.

There is nothing more terrifying that seeing you husband literally walk through the door to tell you that he wants out of the marriage but he still wants you in his life. What compromised us? Was it me entirely? Or was it him? Or was it the both of us not seeing the harm, hurt, fears of our own lives before we got together?

This is a haunting thing that sometimes creeps up on me, and puts itself on repeat. I try not to cry in front of people; so I sometimes slip away in the bathroom, and cry my eyes out, and after a while I return to the room like nothing never happened. These series of emotions often filter with deep thoughts of him, and I. what was between us is not anymore. This was not suppose to be how we ended. August 1,2019 would been our 7th wedding anniversary, and on that day I did nothing. I did not post on social media, I did not go outside I just thought of us.

I am always thinking where do I go from here? Do I just pack my heart off, and run wild with it locked under a key, and never let anyone awaken it again? I have these thought often more that I want to, and it scars me to allow anyone close to me again because I am always reminded of how my husband vacated my life without any prior notification. Things were so cold in that house that we shared together, so this is why there is no returning to this marriage, but i always second guess whether I made the correct decision. If I would’ve waited on God to give me further instruction just maybe things would have turned out differently for my marriage.