I wish I could listen to trap music while writing this blog post , and yes I still am finding it hard to even share what I am about to share with y’all!
I have been fighting left, and right with lust for the last few months. I was not always like this I was mentally sharpened to dodge these type of situations when it came to desiring a men that was not my husband. I feel like I am turning into a serial “Lustenator.” ( I know it is not a word, But this is the only way I know how to describe hw I have been feeling as of late.)
it seen like every time I gain some ground in overcoming not answering the phone, he calls, and I do not answer. I thought about blocking him, but i will only unblock him because I want to know if he is thinking of calling me, and I want to know that I am strong enough to not answer. It is like a cat, and mouse game.
I have had it up to here with the going back, and forward with not being able to pull my defense down, and last night something that I did not see coming came, and so did I. I was visiting a friend trying to make amends of something that got out of hand between him, and myself. I was just making small talk, and by the time I could get any words to come across my lips he grab me close to him, and laid me on his bed. I was not expecting this to happen.
By the time the stop came from my lips my bottom half of my clothing were off, and he was indulging in my stuff. He was trying to go further, but all I seen was my husbands face, and I jumped up, and the guilt kicked all the way in. I rushed to grab my clothing, and headed back to where I dwelled. I jumped in the shower, and tried to scrub the actions that just took place off of me as best as I could.
As I laid in my bed all I could do is smell the sin freshly on my skin, and I was so embarrassed knowing that I fell into this lustful thing. I thought about alcohol, and I thought about just not even remaining saved; because things were getting really bad in my life. I did not know if God threw me away already, and or if He even loved me. This is how the effects of the sin made me feel.
I did not do anything to try, and justify my action to God, all I did was ask him not to take The Holy Ghost from me. It all I have to get me through these crazy falls that keeps on happening in my life. I know that when I woke up this morning I prayed, and I went about my day. What seemed like a horrible nightmare turned out to be an infectious battle of being lonely, and missing my husband.
I was quick to heed to the voice of God to get into my word, and read James 5:8 I did not understand why God was leading me to understand something so needed most in a moment where I needed grace, and mercy from Him like I never needed it before in my life. My yearning for intimacy bubbled over, and it unmasked the weapon of lust, and I felt so insecure, and defeated in this area of my life.
What I need the most in my life is a passion to fight against the things that are coming for my life, my marriage, and most of all the ministry that God has laced in my hands. I can not forfeit the assignment on my life. I feel like i am half baked, and stretched to no end. The type of vices from the enemy is coming full force, and it does not take any breaks from my life.
I desire to know the deep forms of fighting in the sprit so that I can war properly in the Kingdom of God. all I can think of right now is that His grace is sufficient for me. I had to fess up to my best friend, because she know first hand what I am going through, and she did not judge me; but she did correct me in love.
The learning curve has not been found in this season as of yet, and I know that my choice to stand, and fight is left up to me. my weakness has kept me away from God. I find myself not reading my word, and not praying, and or spending the time needed to press in. I am currently fasting it out, and the struggle with this has been quite challenging.
I know that the victory of overcoming this will come with a fight, and I am ready because I am legit sick, and tired of being defeated in all that I am facing. I have to know that God is in total control, and that my life is all the way in His mighty hands. The wages of sin is death, and I do not want to die, and left up m eyes in hell. my effort in gaining the victory of lust is to shed light in the dark places.
Ladies if you are suffering in silence just know that it is never right to continue doing what you are currently doing even if your hubby is in the wrong remaining faithful is always the right choice. I will continue to firmly press in to God, and to fight off this lustful nature. I only want the pure heart of healing for my myself, and my marriage.
After all these years of pointing the finger at my husband about being unfaithful, and not knowing how to keep it in his pants…. Now look where I ended up. confused, tied up in an emotional affair, allowing someone’s tongue to sample the goods, and for what? Chile nothing is more disheartening than knowing that this flesh is on display, and the enemy knows it.
Hello! My name is Jereè and I began this BLOG to share my journey as a Woman unapologetically as I start the process of mending the pieces of my broken life with God’s help by sharing my life #UnMended while Baring the deepest parts of myself has been very hard, but is so worth it in the end to see the woman I’ll become. So Cheers to healing, and to celebrating my freedon as a woman, in love, in life, and in faith. May you also grow from what I’ve grown from. Xo Jereè