What This Season Is Teaching Me

What This Season Is Teaching Me

 I honestly do not know where to begin, and or what to share, and what to keep personal. I mean as much as I share of my life on here. When does personal become private? Jereè – Founder of Mend The Vow

When I decided to open up about any, and everything that I was facing within my life i made a pact with myself that I would be open, honest, and horribly transparent without fear of being judged by anyone that heard of my story, and or whomever read my blog posts.

 

So here I am an living in the guilt of the shame of my sin, and in the heat of making the decision that will break not only my heart of another heart that is really into my heart, but not apart of God’s plan for my life. When I made up my mind to finally file the official paperwork to file for my divorce my head was so cloudy, and my feelings were so scattered to the point where I do not think I was ready to deal with it all.

When I decided to move back to the same city that my then husband was living at with his new girl friend I felt messed up about why’d I came back, and why I was not sticking to my guns about standing for my marriage. I was shook beyond belief when people would tell me the things that we coming out of my ex- husband’s mouth about not wanting to be with me anymore.

 

I was bothered about him putting our private matters out there, and to just leave me out here looking stupid all of this time when I was the one being the faithful wife to him. I prided myself on loyalty, and prayer in these last two years before it really got bad I was the one that begin making the tough necessary changes in the marriage in order for us to move on to another level in our lives. But sometimes change comes entirely way to late for some marriages.

I believed for a long time that God was going to rejuvenate my marriage, and revive it to the point of healing that it would minister to the world, and to His promises for marriages worldwide, but there is this thing that happened that tore my world apart, and it crippled me from even caring about the survival of my marriage all together. I met someone back in May. We vibed so good, functioned so deeply beautiful together that I thought this was it for me, and I called up my soon to be ex husband, and told him these exact words. “I met someone.”

 

He then immediately said ok file the divorce papers, and things from there in our communication was no more. I thought it through, and I thought I was really ready for what this type of thing brought , but the process of the emotions that cript up on me was too much for me to carry on my own. I got really tight with this man I became sexually invloved with, and I got to a place where I felt lost, and alone. I did not know who I wasanymore, and i really did not want anyone to know what i was facing, and or what I had gotten myself involved into.

I thought i had enough strength left to fight a little more to put this all behind me, and to move forward with the rest of my life. man this thing never ends well when I try to do it my own way. i thought i could begin a new fun filled life with this new guy in my life, and still serve God, and freely move about in my purpose, but this is so far from the truth of it all. I feel the guilt when him, and I kiss because its sin, and it shines like a magnet over my head.

 

I feel the stigma of pain that I felt when facing the adultery that my soon to be ex-husband brought into our marriage. The hurt, the shadows of women that he slept with were on the sheets of my bed every time he came home to be intimate with me, and now that him, and I have department I am doing the same to him in his absence.

What I am learning is that when I pointed the finger at him i was creating a pattern for myself to be judged on the same sin that he was currently doing, and when I was laughing at him I was disrupting the kindness that I was suppose to show him as his wife even though the sin was created I still should have been praying for the Glue (God) in our mariage to stand up, and fight for us.

 

I knew getting invloved with someone else while I was still dealing with all of this in my marriage headed for divorce, and being still emotionally messed up over it was not a good combination.

The road to redemption 

I havedecided to ultimately break it off with the guy that I am seeing, and I am dragging my feet in doing it. I know that I need to put a rush on it sooner than later because it is not right for me to be entangled in this tyoe of thing especially with me being a Christian I made a mistake, and I am deeply asking God to forgive me, and to allow me to feel the entire effect of this storm; so that I will never have to repeat it ever again.