Tonight I am in high emotion, and here’s why
The betrayal that I feel right now has me wanting to explode ten thousand times over from what my mother is doing right in front of my face. befriending the person that put their hands of me just six days ago. I know I should not be surprised; because this is the same woman that put me out of the house at night when I was twelve years old after I told her who raped me, and she slapped me while telling my abuser to go back into the house.
I guess nothing really was expected to change when all I received from my mother was heart break after continual heart break. There has never been a since of love that I felt from her. I can remember her always showing love to other kids, but never to me nor any of her other children. I always fought for a place in her life, and for once I thought this year we were headed in a different direction, but the joke was on me again to even think that there could be anything real coming from her.
I feel as though I am being tested in the fire because even though I am seeing her actions God is telling me not to responde to anything that is going on aoround me currently. And for the most part I have been listening to the sound of His correction that is guiding me to a place that is not very familiar to me when it comes to me keeping quiet especially where my mother is concerned.
I feel like like the little gril trapped back in 1994 where i just want to cry all day, and hide under a cover just to feel invisible around everyone. But what I can not do is allow this to shatter my heart. I am already facing the pain behind my marriage ending, and this is only adding insult to injury b not having the support of my mother behind this. I feel so ripped of, and I feel like there a a major lesson for me to learn in all of this, but right now my tunnel vison is not allowing me to fully grasp what that lesson is.
I feel like I am the adult poster child for reoccurring pain where my old childhood wounds have not healed, and the band-aid keeps officially unpealing over, and over again. I know this is something that I do not want to keep encounter in my life. So I have thought long, and hard about this choice that I am about to make concerning my mother. I have battled with the fact of can I go on with my life without ever seeing or hearing from my mother again, and the answer I have determined within myself is yes. Hell yes! Because there is way too much pain, and she ignites it every time she gets into her evil streaks.
I want healing to come, and i know as long as she is even attached to my life there will be no full closure of the pain from everything that I have experience with her being my parent. It is a sad shame that at this age I am still struggling with this issues. I remember wanting to end my life back in 2009 because of all this pain she gave me. I never thought that she would betray me like this again, and sometimes I wish I was never born of her womb. I feel like it was a curse to my life. who in there right collective mind would offer up there child to different man, and then go to church on a Sunday worship God or whomever she serves, and knowing what you are putting your daught through at home?
I am really emotional right know for a lot of reason, and I do not want to break down. I feel like I am giving power to this situation if I do, but at the same time I feel like I need a good cry before God in worship to surrender all of this frustration that is building up on the inside of my heart. This is really not a good place to be in for anyone.
We always here of women having Daddy issues
But what about the women that faces the same issues, but with their mother. This is a deep subject that rest in the households of some women that I know. Tonight I talked how I felt with a good friend before I even came to the point of writing this post, and she confided in me that she still deals with mommy issues with her mother.
I thought i was the only one that was fighting this battles with my mom, but that goes to show you how the enemy will make you feel like you are lone in what you are facing. I want to take action, and take this a step futher by doing more to spread awareness about not having a mother love, support, or guidance growing up as a child, and still not having it as a grown woman.
My mission is to break the cycle of abuse that is reoccurring in my life, and in the lives of other women. Now is the time to take action, and to join a Sisterhood That is here to support you on your healing journey.
Hello! My name is Jereè and I began this BLOG to share my journey as a Woman unapologetically as I start the process of mending the pieces of my broken life with God’s help by sharing my life #UnMended while Baring the deepest parts of myself has been very hard, but is so worth it in the end to see the woman I’ll become. So Cheers to healing, and to celebrating my freedon as a woman, in love, in life, and in faith. May you also grow from what I’ve grown from. Xo Jereè