A Deeper Love
I desire a deeper love, but from whom, and for what reason. I know that the love I seek comes from the love that I did not get as a young girl, and I never fully know what love felt like deeply from my natural father. Jereè – Founder Of Mend The Vow
I do not think I fully trust God to heal my heart, and I say this in all honesty because I have been let down so many times by human beings that it is hard for me to allow the healing to flow from God to me like it needs to. I really want to begin again the right way in God; but it seems as though I keep runnng into pit falls that leads me down to another sad place in my life.
My soul is still yearning to be filled with all that God has set out for my life, and I have come to know that I am my own worst distraction when it comes to pulling through some of the things that God leads me to. I do not know if its fear or just total disobedience within myself.
I have to write a lot of wrongs that I have made a long the way in my walk with God, and there is no better way then to repent to the people that I thought I did not need anymore, and for the one’s that I thought I needed that did not need me any more. I feel so out of place right now, and I feel abnormal to the point to where I am just existing just ot breathe in, and exhale out.
I got a call sunday night from my husband tell me that I was on his mind, and that he wanted to talk to me about something, but he never got it out he just kept talking to the people in the car that he was riding around with, and he kept telling me not to hang up the phone. I thought this was something that was going to come back to bite me in the butt so I stayed all the way in my entire lane. Before the phone call ended he stated that no one could ever take his place, and after the phone call ended he texted me somethings that apparently he thought was ok to say. And this only made me remember why I would never go back to him ever again.
Him and i went back and forth in texting for a while, and I regretfully stated some things out of hurt, and knowing that it was wrong I had to stop myself from going any further than what I already had done. I have to thold myself accountable at all times, and I have to become a better me for myself.
I know that thre are sertain relationship in y life that I must let go, and there are others’ that I must feed daily in order for them to grow more effectively in my life. I have realized that I need to grow in self love as well in order for me to not go down the road of comparison, and self doubt, and all of the other things that comes along that road of conflict.
The are certain triggers that I have that lead me back to a place in time in my past where it makes me feel sad, angry, and or depressed at times, and I do not like feeling like this. I feel at times I have a handle on accepting where I am in my healing process, and on other days I feel like I am falling completely apart. I guess this is just all apart of the journey that I am on.
I am beginning to see that I need to get into counseling in order to venture through this deep pain, and begin the lease of the rape that happened to be so long ago. I want to be free of the anguish that ties me there. I also want to be free of the disappointment of desiring my mother to acknowledge what she has done to me. I have cried for so long, and for so long has my tears went up before God’s alter.
I know that being comforted by Him is all the measure of healing that one would need, but God also has man certain guidelines for us to follow in this earth, and vessel.
I want to encourage all of the hurting people out there that if you are going through pain from a broken childhood, and it entered your adulthood, and you can not seem to let go of the memory of pain that drags you back to that familiar place I want to say to you that you can be free from it. It takes work in admitting that you can not do it alone, and that you desire to be set free fro the torture of your past.
I will admit that there will be some days where you may wabt to give up, and throw in the towel, but do not go there, and do not entertain thought of walking away from God. He is not the author of confusion, and neither is He a man that he should lie. Everything that God has set out for your hands to do, and for your feet to travel will be done as long as you stay inclined to His voice, and for His will for your life.
Be encourage, and if you need to reach out to me please drop me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will gladly pray with you, and stand with you in faith. Remember that God has an entire plan for your life Jeremiah 29:11
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