A Purposeful Pain from shameful to shameless
Daddy’s Little Girl – A Purposeful Pain from shameful to shameless
My name is Jasmine Larema. I am a proud mother, domestic violence advocate, praise dancer, and woman who loves the Lord. Today I am sharing my story of how the Lord has delivered me from shameful circumstances I faced before I accepted Jesus into my heart as my Lord and savior. I didn’t always have a relationship with God. I didn’t grow up in a church.
I had family members who were saved and I would go to church occasionally for special holidays and events. I thought that I was too dirty for God and the life I was living disqualified me from having a relationship with God. Little did I know, all of my sins that I was ashamed of, my insecurities and shortcomings were all perfect opportunities for the Lord to love me.
For years the enemy tried to sow thoughts into my mind to make me think and feel that I was a liar and that certain events didn’t take place in my life. This is how my story begins. Late evening, January 6th, 1992 my mother was about 5 months pregnant with me. She began to feel sharp pains after a verbal and physical disagreement with my father. My father rushed to call the ambulance and my mother did her best to hold on until the ambulance arrived but she couldn’t control the feelings of her body. My mother gave birth to me on the kitchen floor.
When the paramedics arrived they looked at me and pronounced me dead immediately. They took my mother outside to the ambulance and drove to the hospital without the sirens as if it wasn’t a true emergency. Upon arrival again the doctors separated me from my mother and told her I was gone. As the doctors began to take care of my mother and see that she gets the proper care .. another doctor walks into the room and says… Mom, your baby girl is alive and she is a FIGHTER. After that day, as the years went on and I grew older EVERYTHING felt like a fight. I had to fight for my mind, body, and soul. My mother immediately made the decision to part ways with my father because he wasn’t a good influence on my life.
As I got older I became more insecure about myself. I didn’t like who I was. I felt unworthy of love and battled abandonment from not having my father in my life. I didn’t understand why all of the other little girls around me had their Dad’s and I didn’t. My mother was a loving mother and did her best to raise me but I was a girl who just needed her Daddy.
I needed a man to teach me self worth, self-respect, morals, and values. Fathers are the ones who teach their daughter their value especially when It comes to relationships with men. I felt abandoned and rejected by my father because I didn’t have that opportunity. I was always ashamed to tell other girls my story or give them a response when asked “Where’s your father?” At the age of 14, the very first man to pay attention to me was 10 years older than me. I thought I was something special for having an older man take interest in me. I thought that all of my emotions I felt from my absent father would now be vanished and restored because I am now approved of worth by this older man. I was WRONG.
We began to date, I was at the age of 14 years old and he was 24 years old. This was my first real experience with a man. Every day he would call me to come over to the four walls of his bedroom. I would walk in and walk out each and every day he called me overthinking that this was my boyfriend and that it was okay. Days turned into 4 years. Each day I went over it was the same. I would be asked to remove my clothes and he would begin to touch my body.
One day I went over and this day was different. I walked, in the same way, I usually did I was asked to remove my clothing as usual and then. He tuned on sexual music and pornography. For 4 years I continued to please him in the ways he asked. I had to follow his rules. He purchased me a cellphone to communicate with me privately so that my mother or any other family members wouldn’t find out. He instructed me to never mention our relationship to anyone and that we would never be seen in public together.
I had no idea that this was an emotionally, mentally, and sexually manipulated relationship. My abuser took advantage of my age, my innocence, I felt at the time that he took my worth away from me because he made it very clear that we could never be seen in public together.
I decided one day that I was going to leave him. I woke up and texted him “ I’m tired of lying to my mother about my whereabouts and I can’t do this anymore.” He came to get me immediately and said let’s stay together let’s be together, and that he wouldn’t hide me anymore. A common tactic of an abuser is to manipulate you by telling you what you want to hear so that you can stay with them and they can continue the cycle of abuse and manipulation.
I fell for it of course and went right back into an abusive cycle. My abuser introduced me to pornography and I began to desire things that I never did before. My spirit was now vulnerable to the spirit of lust. Whether he was around or not the desires grew stronger. Everything felt okay in the moment but once I returned home to my bedroom all alone the spirit of shame and loneliness rested on me.
One day I woke up and my abuser vanished. I stopped receiving calls and messages from
Him. I had no contact with him and it drove me into a depression. I became depressed and never wanted to leave my home. I couldn’t work or keep a job. I woke up each day to take a shower and go to sleep I wouldn’t even eat some days. My mother took me to a specialist to see what was wrong with me. No one had any idea of what I was battling inside.
Internally it was an emotional struggle. The spirit of abandonment, rejection, and shame rested on me again. This feeling was all too familiar. It brought me right back to the place and emotion I was in at 14 years old. A young girl desperate for Daddy’s love now turns into
A young girl is desperate for A MAN’S love. No one knew what my struggles were except me and God. I wouldn’t speak up! I wouldn’t open my mouth and share my story! I didn’t have the courage then to share what I’m sharing NOW. Today I am speaking up for a sister!
A year later I met another man. Not even knowing that again I’m walking into another abusive relationship. Sometimes we think that because a certain period of time goes by that we are automatically healed from our scars. It had only been a year and I thought I was ready to start dating again. So what did I do, I allowed another man into my life. Something was different about this guy. This relationship felt like real dating. We actually went out in public, he wasn’t ashamed or afraid to be seen with me. Everything seemed to be perfect. Until the verbal disagreements started. I had no idea that I had just stepped into yet again another abusive relationship but this time it would be worst. Because I wasn’t completely healed from my past relationship I was still blind.
I attracted the same demon but this time in another man. Healing is a choice and sometimes that can be a hard pill to swallow. We have the choice to stay broken and continue going back to what hurt us or to pick ourselves up and out of the situation. When we value and love ourselves we don’t accept less than we deserve and because I was so desperate for a mans to love whether it be from my father or any man I was going to run after anyone who was willing to give it to me even if the love wasn’t genuine and real.
My abuser appeared to be handsome charming and respectful. He said all of the right things at first but then that ended after he realized he had me where he wanted me. This relationship turned into the four walls of the bedroom once again. He began to tell me where I could and couldn’t go. What I should and shouldn’t wear. From my clothing, hair, and makeup. He began to isolate me from my friends and family.. he wanted everything to just be him and I and him and me ONLY. Alone! No one else around. If you are in an abusive relationship ISOLATION is also a huge red flag.
Your abuser will separate you from your loved ones to get easier access to manipulate you to live the way they want you to. If I didn’t do something his way I could get slapped or punched with a black and blue eye or busted lip. He would pull my door off the henges then come back the next day with tools to put it back together. After the abuse, I would always get roses, fast food, or an apology card with flowers. The cycle continued and it became more and more mentally, physically, and
Emotionally draining and painful. Every time I tried to leave he persuaded me to say this went on for 4 years.
I felt trapped so I began to date another man. This man was respectful and kind. I thought I finally built up the courage to leave and that this new man would be my protector. But my abuser found out and threatened to hurt myself and the guy I was seeing so I ended it quickly. When you see the red flags get out because it will only get worst. It doesn’t matter how many apologies you get or how many times he swears it was only once it won’t happen again but IT WILL. I sunk into a depression and began to self medicate on pain killers like Advil pm because I enjoyed the feeling of going to sleep and not having to worry about my problems.
Soon after I found out I was pregnant and felt trapped once again to go back to my abuser. The abuse got worst during my pregnancy and after I called the ambulance when I was 8 months pregnant after being pushed into a wall that was the day I spoke and cried out to the lord and I said that’s it that’s enough. I knew I had to leave for the sake of my unborn child.
I prayed and asked God to guide me and he did. I went to court and was granted a restraining order for my abuser to stay away. Weeks later I got a call that my abuser was in a psych ward at a nearby hospital because he attempted to commit suicide. His family blamed me and said I was the one who drove him to do it because I left him.
A sign of mental illness is wanting to take your own life. My abuser was struggling internally just as I was struggling with my father’s wounds and the two of us were not healthy for each other. I want to encourage a sister that may be reading my story right now and you think that because you have struggles you are to be blamed for a cycle of abuse … IM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IS A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL. No one deserves to be abused. You are not responsible for another being hurting you or wanting to take their own life. It was an attack from the enemy to get me to go back to my abuser which I did for 4 weeks and I left him alone FOR GOOD!
It’s so important to be careful of what you ask God for because God was giving me the answers. God was answering my prayers and I wasn’t paying attention and walking in obedience to him. God opened my eyes to see that I wasn’t the problem and that all I needed to do was step away and never look back and allow a God I into my life. You have to want to be healed you have to truly want better for your life and then act on it or else you’ll be stuck in that same abusive cycle.
- Who am I speaking to?
- You deserve a love that doesn’t have to hurt.
- You deserve a man that will treat you right the first time.
- You deserve a love for yourself that is so strong that you don’t want to accept anything less than you deserve.
- You deserve self-love and worth without needed your Father to validate you!
- You deserve an experience with Your Father in Heaven who thinks highly of you.
- You are not crazy!
- You are not losing your mind!
- You just need to escape a cycle of abuse and open your ears to the word of God and what He says about you.
- You are Beautiful
- You are Worthy
- You are Strong
- You are Precious
- You are a daughter of the Highest
- You are Daddy’s Little Girl
I was abandoned, but God says I am adopted.
“God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure”