Author Archive

I Won’t Wait On You Forever

I Won’t Wait On You Forever

Tonight as i sit, and think of you I am reminded of all the pain that comes along with knowing you. Everything that memics something beautiful can never be as beautiful as the love that is still lingering in my heart for you. But how long will it be there? I never thought these thoughts would ever surface in my mind, and I never assumed that you would be gone this long.

The day I pushed you out the door i realized you were gone months before you physically left our home. Your were out living a life you desiredd while i was at home praying, fasting, and crying out to God to help me reach you. There were times where i couldn’t get out of bed, because you were in it with me. I also remember days upon days where I could eat because I was so focused on you that I literally got sicl to the pit of my stomach because I missed us so much.

 

I know now how careless I was with loving you too much, and not being in touch with myself. i did everything to please you, and yuo took it for granted. you never showed any appreciation for the things that i did for you, and I can say that i did the same. I am at fault for being a wife that did not show you my emotions, and I can not say anything woud have changed on my end if we both did not take out the time to say we could not do this anymore.

 

The demonstration of my heart for you has taken a back seat, and currently I have to figure out what God is truly saying about this marriage. do I miss you because you are all I know, and or is this the end? I feel so unfree, and I can not continue to base this marriage just on the fact that it is meant for my life. You have shown me love in the past, but what you are showing me as of late is nothing at all. And what I am learning more, and more each day is I need to free myself of you for any chance of myself to be happy in the future with you or someone else.

My prayer right now is that God will give me strength to stay steadfast in Hm, nd to see the true angle of where this marriage is going. i kow clarity in this moment for me is very important. a heart without focus is a heart lost in the shuffle, and I do not want to be this woman anymore.

Dear God,

Help me please!

I no longer know what to do, and I am afraid that your will for my marriage is not as near as i think it is, but i know that I remember what it feels like to love my husband. I know now that nothing is promised, and that I have to appreciate this time that I have to know as a woman.

I aksed that you place a spiritual connection back in my marriage between my husband, and myself. I ask that as we both start our days out that we begin to build prayer back into our union in our marriage. I know that we are worlds apart but yet we are both cities away from one another.

Please guide us back to each other if this is your divine will for us. I ask that you close each door that will bring hindrance from us moving forward together. Allow your grace to lead us in all that we do, and allow you mercy to teach us of where we have been, and where we are headed.

I pray these things in Jesus name. Amen.

Understanding  Where I Am

Understanding Where I Am

Over the last few month i have been really going through some highs, and some very lows in my life. I never thought that I would be at a place where i would be considering moving on with my life, and finding a connection with someone else. The facts are i’m married, but at the same time i feel single as hell.

myslef, and my husband have been separated, and noncommunitive for a very long time. What a wife to do? Am i suppose to just sit around waiting on him, and rejecting what I need? I know that there is a lot of prayer, labor, and love that has been place on my behalf, and on the behalf of other people that I KNOW, and some that I do not know. I am wondering if the promises for my marriage that God has shown me all in my heart, and in my head.

 

I can not seem to get my head out the clouds long enough to stop focusing on what was in my marriage. I mean do not get me wrong i miss my husband derly daily, and sometimes I do wonder if he ever thinks about me at all. Soemtimes love is just love, and some times people are just a distant memory. I mean come on! How would you feel knowing your husband has a whole girlfriend, and he is living with her, and he might or might not be happily living life, and moving ahead with this new person.

I feel very distant from everyone in my life from this experience of not being with my husband, and it is killing me right now, because currently I am in StarBucks listening to this guy singing this love song that he is currently writing , and it is breaking my heart. i can not help but to want to tell him to shut the hell up because he is making me think of all the sad times I recently had shedding countless tear over missing my husband so dang much .

 

I know that ultimately I have to place my full trust in God to see the outcome of the promises that He has concerning my marriage it just hard at this point because someone else has taken a real interest in me, and although I am curving them I just do not know how long that is going to work because I have things in my life that I desire to complished like having children, and fulfilling things with someone in my life that I can not do by myself.

It is hard to stand for a marriage when only one half of the party is standing, and sometimes the sound of divroce sounds much better than waiting it out. I have been through enough while waiting for someone that clearly displays that he is no longer interested in being in my life. I do not even know how his touch feels any more, and I do not even remember the curve of his smile. I am in a lane where anyting can happen like him calling me, and I would not get excited. I would just answer the phone without having a reaction to the fact that the man I love is on the other end of the phone.

 

I know that we are all born with common sense, and that when there is adultery invovled that the bible grants us grounds to get a divorce, but what matters to me is seeing God’s law, and promise fulfilled more than anything in my marriage. I am just side tracked with when, and where it will all come together. I am really hangning on by a thread, and I do not want to move on, and boom my husband is all on when ike I love you again. I feel so weird in this season of my life, and I pray to heaven that God rescues me from me.

 

Have you ever experience being shifted in another direction other than what God has been saying concerning your marriage?

 

Let me know below in the comment section.

Running From The Truth

Running From The Truth

The way of my faith is not noticeable any more, and i feel like I want to blind back in with the world because I feel like I am not strong enough to beat the odds in what I am facing in this season. I feel like i keep allowing myself to get caught up in things that are not meant for me to be in or even around.

my conscious is not where it needs to be, and I have not been seeking God as often as I should except for this morning. I got up and had a real raw conversation with God, and I asked Him to show me was my marriage his will for my life, and other things that were on my heart to get a cross to Him.

I miss the relationship that I share with God but I keep placing things in front of Him. I am not feeding my spirit, and I keep running from what i know is the truth. I know that God is all knowing, and all seeing; but what happens when I keeping making excuses as to why I do not want to do this or that?

I feel so empty, so sad on the inside. I feel like the only thing i want to do is lay around the house, and cry my eyes out. The truth of the matter is I want to feel love, I want to feel what I know in human form. But is this the only way for me to seek out what the heart wants? There has to be some other attachment that I can connect to other than the human body. Right? I miss my husband, but I am so tired of hearing from the lips of talkers of what he is doing, and how he is not concerned about me, and how he has moved on with his life.

 

I want to do the same, and i want to do it without being interrupted in the process, and I know that when this happens it a done deal on my end. But I think about what God is doing in the middle of all my sinful ways. why does he want to reconcile a damage and unhealed marriage? I can not understand why it matters to him so much when my husband, and I have hurt each other so much to where it is not repairable.

My heart is in ruins, my mental is deeply damaged, and i do not know if I can hold on to God, and suffer in this trails of marriage, and ministry. I was listening to the song “Broken” today By Shekinah Glory Ministries as I going through something so raw, and so deep that I told God I can not serve you any longer. I told Him that I was not cut out for this life. There is so much pain in saying yes to God, and no one can tell me different. The things that i have suffered for the Gospel is great, and the places I have been spiritually have been breathe taking, and at the same time I questioned for the first time in my life is it worth it?

 

I reach out to my mother, and told her my thought process, and the first thing she told me was that God said that this broke his heart hearing this from me, and I was like sorry, and she told me this will break your best friends heart, and I was like sorry. People do not know that silent battles that I face I am legit tired of going from happy in ministry to sad in the process of the wait.

Now to be totally honest I have not done my full best in this season because I have allowed myself to be influenced by some actions that I normally would run from, and at the same time i know that theTh. current things that I find myself entertaining is not even me. I wonder if i will ever get back in the fight like I use to be in. Fighting in prayer, fighting by digging deeper into the word of God. I have no clue who I am right now, and I do not want to be one of these Christians out here just faking a feeling.

 

I need God  to just really shake me, and put my back on the potters will. I am definitely willing to do my works again. All I know is that I want to get back into a place in God where nothing can distract me from Him. I pray that He will reach down from heaven and give me a sense of direction of where I am headed in Him. I am currently walking on shattered glass with a broken balance in my faith. I want to be cleansed once again in His Blood. I am so tired of being defeated my myself, and by the enemy.

 

The fact of the matter is I am tired of running from the truth, if love is love, and my marriage is meant to be reconciled by the father than I have to stop allowing others to depict how I should handle things concerning my marriage. I have to learn on God, and stop running on this playground called my feelings. There is much more to me that what I know I am really at a stand still, and i really need you guys to intercede on my behalf.

 

 

 

The Struggles Of Lust while On The Mercy Seat

The Struggles Of Lust while On The Mercy Seat

I wish I could listen to trap music while writing this blog post , and yes I still am finding it hard to even share what I am about to share with y’all!

I have been fighting left, and right with lust for the last few months. I was not always like this I was mentally sharpened to dodge these type of situations when it came to desiring a men that was not my husband. I feel like I am turning into a serial “Lustenator.” ( I know it is not a word, But this is the only way I know how to describe hw I have been feeling as of late.)

 

it seen like every time I gain some ground in overcoming not answering the phone, he calls, and I do not answer. I thought about blocking him, but i will only unblock him because I want to know if he is thinking of calling me, and I want to know that I am strong enough to not answer. It is like a cat, and mouse game.

I have had it up to here with the going back, and forward with not being able to pull my defense down, and last night something that I did not see coming came, and so did I. I was visiting a friend trying to make amends of something that got out of hand between him, and myself. I was just making small talk, and by the time I could get any words to come across my lips he grab me close to him, and laid me on his bed. I was not expecting this to happen.

 

By the time the stop came from  my lips my bottom half of my clothing were off, and he was indulging in my stuff. He was trying to go further, but all I seen was my husbands face, and I jumped up, and the guilt kicked all the way in. I rushed to grab my clothing, and headed back to where I dwelled. I jumped in the shower, and tried to scrub the actions that just took place off of me as best as I could.

As I laid in my bed all I could do is smell the sin freshly on my skin, and I was so embarrassed  knowing that I fell into this lustful thing. I thought about alcohol, and I thought about just not even remaining saved; because things were getting really bad in my life. I did not know if God threw me away already, and or if He even loved me. This is how the effects of the sin made me feel.

 

I did not do anything to try, and justify my action to God, all I did was ask him not to take The Holy Ghost from me. It all I have to get me through these crazy falls that keeps on happening in my life. I know that when I woke up this morning I prayed, and I went about my day. What seemed like a horrible nightmare turned out to be an infectious battle of being lonely, and missing my husband.

I was quick to heed to the voice of God to get into my word, and read James 5:8 I did not understand why God was leading me to understand something so needed most in a moment where I needed grace, and mercy from Him like I never needed it before in my life. My yearning for intimacy bubbled over, and it unmasked the weapon of lust, and I felt so insecure, and defeated in this area of my life.

 

What I need the most in my life is a passion to fight against the things that are coming for my life, my marriage, and most of all the ministry that God has laced in my hands. I can not forfeit the assignment on my life. I feel like i am half baked, and stretched to no end. The type of vices from the enemy is coming full force, and it does not take any breaks from my life.

I desire to know the deep forms of fighting in the sprit so that I can war properly in the Kingdom of God. all I can think of right now is that His grace is sufficient  for me. I had to fess up to my best friend, because she know first hand what I am going through, and she did not judge me; but she did correct me in love.

 

The learning curve has not been found in this season as of yet, and I know that my choice to stand, and fight is left up to me. my weakness has kept me away from God. I find myself not reading my word, and not praying, and or spending the time needed to press in. I am currently fasting it out, and the struggle with this has been quite challenging.

I know that the victory of overcoming this will come with a fight, and I am ready because I am legit sick, and tired of being defeated in all that I am facing. I have to know that God is in total control, and that my life is all the way in His mighty hands. The wages of sin is death, and I do not want to die, and left up m eyes in hell. my effort in gaining the victory of lust is to shed light in the dark places.

 

Ladies if you are suffering in silence just know that it is never right to continue doing what you are currently doing even if your hubby is in the wrong remaining faithful is always the right choice. I will continue to firmly press in to God, and to fight off this lustful nature. I only want the pure heart of healing for my myself, and my marriage.

After all these years of pointing the finger at my husband about being unfaithful, and not knowing how to keep it in his pants…. Now look where I ended up. confused, tied up in an emotional affair, allowing someone’s tongue to sample the goods, and for what? Chile nothing is more disheartening than knowing that this flesh is on display, and the enemy knows it.

Caught Out There

Caught Out There

The one thing that is hard to admit is that I am on the other side of infidelity. The one thing I applauded myself on not doing, and I deceived myself; because I thought I had proofed my body to resist anyone other than my husband.

This was not in my plan to allow my lips to be kissed passionately by a guy that was not you. I was in ruins in my mind all because I allowed my emotions to counter react to what I was attracted to in this fleshly body. I almost ruined everything that I was standing for in my marriage by releasing my inward desires on the outer parts of my skin. His touch was everything i was missing in my life, and with one kiss I was hooked  on him to the point where I was doing anything to see him. skipping time out with God, ignoring the important people in my life.

Nothing at this point in my life was so focused on my mind other that spending time with this guy. he was dropping nuggets of hope in my ear, and as my ears yearned for more of what he was saying i was distancing myself from setting my faith, and hope in reconciling back with mu husband.

 

This guy had me so open that no one could get my attention. He smile, his embrace, and his charm really had me at a loss for words. he was arranging words like you’re my soulmate, and you’re my wife. Basically everything that challenges what God said concerning my marriage was taking a turn in a negative way.

 

There had been times where I did not feel like myself when I was with him, and I knew what we were doing was not right, but I did not care; because I missed being touched, held, and most of all the center of attention in someone’s eyes.

 

I thought to myself this was for sure  the guy for me, and as he was telling me that I should proceed with a divorce so that he and I could work on our future together. He told me all the things that God told me that I was going to have with my husband. I did not see what was happening to me in the beginning because I was so broken to the point that I did not care who I ended up with I just wanted to be wanted.

 

Here are some factors that I did realized in the middle, and at  end the  of breaking it off with this guy!

  1. After I got my head out of the clouds just to ask my pastor at the time  to simply say a strong prayer for me that night, and the following day my former pastor instructed me that the distraction was sent to spiritually kill me, and this is without me ever telling him that I  was involved with anyone.

  2. After finding out this information of this prophetic word from my former pastor do you know I still was in connection with this guy. I t was something that I was lacking in my own personal life, and at the moment it was very hard for me to give up,
  3. Every time I would get around this guy it was like I turned into someone else, and I could not fight against what we were doing. The intimacy we shared never lead to sex, but baby it almost did, and as bad as I wanted to I know about what those soul ties come with.

  4. The one thing that really frighten me about this guy is every time we were so close to becoming intimate he would get overly aggressive. This was something that shook me because I was rapped at a young age, and when things remind me of something trying to force themselves on me the first thing I immediately to is freeze up, and get ghost.
  5. I blocked him for a full month , and a half from March – Early May of 2019, and I thought to myself it is finally over. I finally thought I would be able to breathe without being bothered with this person that was so wrong for me, but yet felt so right for me when I was with him.

He called my phone May 2, 2019 from a number that was not stored in my phone. I answered he spoke, and I did not recognize his voice at first, and he spoke again, and my whole world shook. Here I was free of all this whirlwind amazing false filled love, and here comes Mr. not the one chasing my phone number down. I asked him how he got my number trying to remain strong, and at the same time wondering why it took him so long to reach out to me.

he informed me that he lost the phone that he had owned prior to having my phone, and that he went back to a recent place I once visited to get my phone number from a mutual person that we both known. I was really impressed, but at the same time I told myself I could not get wrapped up in him again, because on May 2nd, 2019 was the first time in a long time that I was ready, and willing to rise up again in faith to fight for my marriage.

we spent hours on the phone catching up on life, fantasy sex, and making it happen in the weeks to come. I was unmoved in the process that I had made. He was back in my world, and back in my reach, and nothing was going to stop him from caressing his joint in my mix. I was at this point playing rush, and  roulette with my marriage, and I was more that willing to barging with those divorce papers.

So with him back on the play list I hit my husband up in a text, and told him I was ready to give him his last name back because I met someone, and I was finally ready to move one with my life.

 

 

After that text was sent i felt like there was nothing else to be said so I got back in my Ryan mold, and starting to talk to him back to back day, and night. He took my breathe away literally until God begin to show me the extent of who was hiding behind the man I desired so much.

One night we were on the phone, and I heard something in his laugh that made me do a double check in the spirit. He laughed but he sounded so demonic, and so not like his normal sexy laugh that i was use to hearing from him. this laugh made me rethink the harm i was willfully placing myself in.

The final night that i talked to him was the night that i made up in my mind that I was going to have to really release myself from even ever thinking of being with him again. This started a chain reaction of a series of events that I will never forget. When Ryan called not picking up the phone was not the greatest challenge for me it was not resisting the voice of God to calm my spirit, and to allow Him to wash me in Him again, and to renew my mind, and as well as my heart.

 

 

I Don”t Even  Recongnize Myself Anymore Part 1

I Don”t Even Recongnize Myself Anymore Part 1

i’ve been fighting getting back on this blog to write, and honestly at times i reeally wanted to shut it down. Lately i have been fighting to stay afloat to keep my sanity. I cannot rememberers the last time i felt peace in my life, and I cannot tell you the last time hope was near.

I have done somlethings that has been way outside of my character, and i have allowed myself to taste sin within my marriage. Am I ashamed? At first I was not because it was not my intent to go there with this guy, but the more time I spent with himk to more comfortable I allowed myself to be with him.

I would wait until late at night to go park my car , and to jump in his ride. I would allow him to kiss me, and take control of my body. i literally had to resist him just to not go all the way, and when i say the struggle was definitely real I am saying this was even an understatement. I faced a lot of difficult things in these last three months than I ever have in my life.

Back in February I was going through finanical struggles, and there were many things that were on the line, and as I was fasting it out, and praying it out i found myself really growing deeper in God without wavering in anything that i had before Him.

There were many days where i was praying until I fell asleep in worship. i would get up pray, fast through the day, and go to work not affected by the strom that I was going through. where the which came in at was when my husband FaceTime me while I was at the denist in the chair. I immediately got out the chair, and headed to my car to see what he wanted, because it had been months since i heard from him, or even seen his face.

 

i thought he was about to give me some good news about him coming home; but the only words that were forming out of his mouth were about still desiring a divorce. I instantly felt mad, and disappointment at the same time. i told him that was not what I expected to hear, and i clearly asked him out of the blue was he living with another woman, and he said no. I knew that was a lie, because The Holy Ghost showed me while me, and my husband were in conversation.

After he denied it once i left it alone , and he continued chatting about what needed to get done, and coming to gather the rest of his belongings from our place. I thought to myself okay this is something that is really going to happen. As the call ended I got out of my car, and headed back into the inside to talk to the receptionist to recschedule my appointment. I was really lost, confused, and just wondering what else could go wrong.

I went home, and I begin to intercede on behalf of my marriage, and I was in tears; because I know what God told me concerninkg my marriage. All hope was failing, and there was no life left inside of my marriage. As the month of February was half way to the ending line I get a phone call from my husband at 1 am informing me that one of my favorite people in this entire world had possibly passed  away. I was really in disbelief, and I did not know how to feel. This was a person that extended nothing but unconditional love to me from the first day i entered into the family, and now he was no longer here on earth.

 

i did not know how to reach out to console my husband; so i just froze up, and boy did that back fire on me. He blaimed me for not reaching out when he shut me out of his life for so long I did not knowi how to reconnect with him. so i was just merely getting through the things that i was going through in my marriage, and in my own personal life. This is the thing some people forget thing emotional state they have left you in, and for my husband he forgot how he left my heart in a wreckless state.

 

When love is not important in a marriage anymore the hinges come unloose, and the many comparisons begin to happen. What does she do for him that i did not do, and what does he see in her that he stop seeing in me. This played in my mind for a while, and i had to not think of it anymore, because it was going to drive me insane. He ended up coming over to talk, and he broke down, and so did I at this time we were both on some other stuff I was in the process of trying to find money to pay the rent, and he was on some distant lover type stuff.

The essence of my heart changed. I went from (Anita baker) giving him the best that I got to conforming to (Usher) I am ready to sign them papers.  Hey this is the me now that he turned me into. He thought that i would always be here in a relationship form for every time he would go out, and cheat i would wait for him to come home so we could reconcile our marriage, but this gets tiring. he has always used the excuse of not being able to live his life because he grew up with having to raise him siblings. And………………? What does the measure of cheating has to do with me?

so yeah right now i has a huge chip on my shoulder, and I am not adjusting it anytime soon. I feel very besides myself, because i do not like feeling this way. I cannot pray like i use to, and i often feel disconnected from God. i’m currently feeling like I am not thriving in the Kingdom as I should be. I feel as though I am just breathing, and silently crying for my husband, but the other side of me is just like do not allow yourself to think about him, and or even focus on the thought of getting back with him.

A moment of transparency!

Lately I’ve been struggling with waiting it out! I’ve been in a place where nothing else isn’t working in my marriage I’ve prayed until I couldn’t pray anymore & I’ve cried so hard to the point where I couldn’t get of bed for days on end.

I’ve tossed and, turned until sleep could not be found! I got prophetic prophecies that God will restore my marriage! But I’ve grow tired of waiting. I knowing that divorce could be a better option because he’s moved on, and I’m holding on to a piece of paper..

This isn’t a plea for sympathy or attention I promised myself that no matter how hard the journey got I would always remain as transparent as I could to help other women that maybe struggle in this area or remotely similar to it.
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Well here are the current facts he’s living with another woman & he’s living his life without me, without communicating any signs of reconciliation to our marriage, and the fact of the matter is I’m out here looking like boo boo the fool because I still desire him, I still desire to be his wife.

I’m desperately holding on to what God said, but I’m tip toeing on other roads that I shouldn’t be walking on, and I know that God isn’t pleased! I feel guilty, confused, and I feel like he’s doing him!!! Lord why can’t I do me? Simply because I belong to God, and my husband isn’t walking in God’s will right now, and I know someone has to fight or drown & with everything filtering in my mind right now like confusion, resentment, anger ect,

I ultimately want God’s will for my entire life & marriage and not a thing less; so I choose to calm my mind & fast, pray and stand for my marriage until God does a great work in restoring all things in my marriage.

Mistakes happen right?

God does not live in our feelings. He lives within our spirit. The way to freedom is by worshiping Him in spirit & in truth! I’m so off track right now & it’s really hard to see the path to the road i use to be on called purpose! Ultimately I can’t address certain things in my life; all because I refuse to it hurts to bad to say I failed as a wife. I often wonder did I do everything right, or did I allow my feeling to over shadow what God spoke to me concerning the promise of my marriage? Back in March I got got tied up with this guy we’ll call him Casanova because he said all the right things! You know the enemy sends you what you like, but the bottom line is whether you entertain what he sends your way
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We all have free will out here or do we? There comes a time where I know I’ll have to release this relationship with Casanova! I don’t know how to influence myself from him our conversation last we have, and I mean our convos last for hours on end. The void he’s not feeling is crucial, but the attention is the substitute! There’s a saying the grass ain’t greener on the other side, and I agree wholeheartedly because all I want is Mr. Black

Please continue to send your prayers my way because they are desperately needed! The enemy loves to see marriages fail! I know without a doubt that God divinely placed this marriage together, but at this moment in time it’s very hard for me to see it because of all that has transpired. My will to hold on for dear life to my marriage has come apart, and I need to just focus on me, and solely allow God to do what He needs to do in my marriage! Jesus please take this wheel & redirect us where you called us to be
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A word of encouragement

Hey Ladies! What challenges are you currently facing in your marriage?

Are you more focused on his faults or the way he’s not doing what you want him to do when you want him to do it?

Well let me stop you right there. You’re not his mother but your his wife & if the alignment of God’s promises is not prevailing in your marriage than maybe it’s time for a heart check. Instead of you reflecting on what the Mr. is doing & not doing just pray for him, and then look in the mirror and ask God to show you yourself, correct the mistakes you’ve made while still standing on His promises for you marriage.

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