Broken Identity ( Suicide Awareness Month)
Back in February 2009 i took over 60 + pills to end my life, and i was not depressed nor delusional about the choice to end my life. I had gone through a lot of horrific things in my child hood, and by the age of 15 I had already been brutally raped 3 times once when I was 11 years old, and again by 2 men by the age of 15 years old.
So you can probably understand why i did not want to live in this world where I felt alone, and out of alignt with what I was told to be in this world, and this was feeling pained by the faults of what these men had place on me with the sexual intent of their desires. I was bound, broken, and betrayed. i had no use for love, and it turned me into a very hatful person I did not smile, I did not love, and I most certainly did not address my issues of shame.
I was made to believe that it was all my fault, and that I was useless to the world, and in that mind set i consider just to end everything. I was not worried of where my soul would rest for eternity. I was not concerned about displeasing God, and I was not worried about breaking anyone heart because many people had already borke my heart.
I felt like my purpose in God would never be because I had already been broken to the point of no repair, and i just wanted the suffering of my heart to fade way, and stop beating. The moment I woke up in the hopsital after inflecting self harm of swallowing 60+ pills i thought in the back of my mind how I’d could not believe that i made it back, and how i wanted to successfully do it next time without waking back up. But in my despair god was up to something, and I did not lke it. He was repairing my heart, my mind, and my spirit back to him.
As i popped the pill bottle opened I felt a sense of relase as I swalled those first couple of pills, and as I finished the process with water all I remember is darkness around me, and the lights to my soul were finally cut off until hours lakter i woke up in the hopital with all these medical professionals at my bed side pumping my stomach, and feeling me throught a tube liquid charcoal. View the video below to see my full story!