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When Things Get Sticky Post 8 Months (After The Reconciliation)

When Things Get Sticky Post 8 Months (After The Reconciliation)

Last night was the worst night since we’ve been meshing things back into what seems to be our new norm. I have been in a spiritual battle that can’t come to an end because I seem to be constantly warning with my flesh. I am growing tired of believing that we can survive this affair, and the not some happy place of what happened before the separation, and the affair. I am constantly tugging on my heart to hold on, but I feel like I am drowning in my own tears.

 

I try to find ways to stay motivated, but what am I suppose to do when the thought of the affair comes to my mind? I pray daily for strength, and even that it draining because I am fighting against how I feel, and what God is leading me to do. I want to give up on him, and just separate myself from everything that reminds me of this life with him.

but how would I go on with myself knowing that I could possibly be aborted a mission that God is instructing me to see through?  Am I beating myself up too much or am I just living fleshly while riding the wave of the spirit?

 

There are things that have happened or that I feel that has happened that is making me lose all hope in him again. I feel like he is out there messing around again, and every single time I ask him he says it not true, and when I talk it over with my friends all they can say is did you pray about it? And my honest answer is to scream ” I am tired of praying.” this is my true feeling at the time. Why would prayer be the first thing that they always initiate as an answer to all my answers?

 

[bctt tweet=”I fear the changes are unveiling the anchor in my marriage. For every tear I’ve cried the savior is there comfort me. ” username=”@mendthevow”]

 

I truly am uncertain of what to believe anymore! Do I really need to self-reflect on is true, and what is driving my insecurities? or do I just throw caution to the wind, and let time speak of itself? The shift of trust has fallen from my view and the more that I think about how I want to build, and how I want to love, and how I want to heal it all becomes a blur of unnoted things that may be an unchecked list that will somehow remain just a thought in my mind.

As i thought things over, and asked God some questions concerning my husband I felt peace in the put of my spirit. see the enemy will try to distance you from desiring to move forward he not only wanted me to believe that my husband was up to no good but he want me to question God. I now know that I must equip myself more in prayer, and stop allowing my insecurities to ruin my frame of mind when it comes to me mending the peices of my broken vows.

Stop Guarding Your Heart: After The Reconciliation: Part 1

Stop Guarding Your Heart: After The Reconciliation: Part 1

After I got back together with my husband i was stuck in the mindset of things going back how thet use to be with us. you know before the affair, and before the separation i just had it in my mind that I wanted that old thing back with us. I always envisioned the day that we would be back close staring at the t.v doing nothing but enjoying laying near his heart, and breathing in his scent; but boy was I living on  fairytale island.

As days turned into months i found myself trying to reinvent us, and he was still stuck on the island of why did i come back? He told me that I had hurt him so bad to the point where he hated me, and he really did not know why reconciled back to this marriage. Was I stock to hear this as his wife? Yes! And I started at that point to retract on all that God told me to stand for where my marriage was concerned.

So many thing at this point where running through my mind. Like was he still seeing this other woman while trying to see if he still could work on this thing we were still calling a marriage?  I felt so mislead by what he felt towards me on the other side of his heart. I want to revert from him even thinking about the things that he let come out of his mouth to me. But I could not stop him from feeling low in love, and low in comfort. I understand I hurt him. But did that cause for him to go out, and shame me by cheating with some woman?

I tried to lie to myself that everything was going to fall back into place, and I somehow convinced myself that my husband was just acting strangely because it’s been two months since we had lived in the same space, and we just needed to readjust to one another. Again i was so wrong for thinking so immaturely. I lost him to the source of another person, and I now was being compared to her. He told me things that made me want to punch him in the face, and I wanted to find her, anddraw blood; because she had not just slept with my husband but she comforted him, and nutured his heart that was collapsing.

I wonder if the road could ever turn for us in a positive way, and then i was thinking of how revengeful i wanted to be toward him; so I compiled a plan of action to disassociate myself from my husband. bad idea, because the only person that i was hurting in the long run was myself. Why? because I am his wife, and I am the one that is confessing to be saved, and filled with the Holy Ghost.

I spent months being uncaring, undesirable, and unbothered by the needs of my husband. I becae detached from what made him happy, and what I needed to do in prayer for God to get the glory. I fell into a deeper pit that I allowed myself to fall into. And lets be clear it wasn’t the enemies fault this time I solely allowed myself to push my husband further away from my heart all because I did not want to be truthful of the hurt, and lack of communication that I was displaying.

The more I would push him away the more he returned to satans playground, and I didn’t care because I was using my pain to fuel my plan, and I was not going to shape my heart in the.right direction just because i know that it would give peace to my home. Oh yes I was burning up with deception lies, and a cry for revenge because I relaized that my heart was bleeding.

I was so convinced that if i set out to punche my husband that it would make him see the era of his way, and that he would come begging for my forgives. Now at this time i was blinded by this bed that I made , and proudly dressed in the material of my own hell. Could not easily rn back to God, and ask kfor His help this time. So I had to lay in this bed of discomfort while my marriage was still bleeding, and suffering more than ever.

After awhile I found myself dying a little on the inside daily; because I could even stand myself, I was already broken on the inside, and now I made myself hate my own husband instead of praying for healing I created hatred in my marriage. The eneny a filled day with the plans that I put together for my marriage. He became the main dancer in my one woman show in destroying my marriage.

All of this transpired in a blink of an eye, and after seven months of being back together I am finally able to see clearly , and work on, and past the deceit in which I have place in my marriage.

[bctt tweet=”Guarding your heart in your marriage is the worst thing you can do as a wife. ” username=”@MendTheVow”]
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