Archive For The “Mend The Vow Chronicles” Category

A Push Of Praise

A Push Of Praise

Tonight it all went down in prayer, and in that moment everyhing seemed to fall of my shoulders. I realized that I was not fully trusting God in my current situations, and that I was allowing myself to be led by my own will, and I never want to go back to that place ever again.

I feel as though I was stopping the growth in this journey that I am in, and I know that I had to do something in order to break out of it but I did not know how. A few nights ago as I was in a bad relationship, and I wanted out, and the only thing I did was walk away tired, and unsure if this was going to be the last time I was going to see this man that I waks in love or in lust with.

I knew that night that i had to make a tough decision, and while I was thinking on everything I choose to not go back for a lot of reasons.

  1. He was not my husband.
  2. He was a huge distraction in my walk with God.
  3. He was controlling.
  4. He was not feeding my purpose.

I had to really get a hold to myself, and really pull it together. I knew that nohing was going to change unless I changed the situation that I was in. So with no where to go other than another friends house I choose to gather my belongings, and packed them away in my car, and I drove off.

I ended up drivng to my old apartment complex, and I parked my car. I hopped in the back seat, and I slept. As the morning was approaching I heard God’s voice so clear telling me to jump on the freeway, and I did not question it at all. So as I went to the gas station to get gas I drove two hours to see my “bestie”, and in that moment I knew God was meeting me where He knew I needed distance, and space from that toxic person.

 

Here’s the thing about feeding your flesh

  • The more you give into the feeling the more it drwas you away from God.
  • The more you stop seeking God in those dark places the more you stay stuck.
  • The more you choose to deny your spirit the more your fleshy desire begin to become alive.

 

The struggle not to text, call or video chat has become hard but easy as the time goes by because I choose to be obedient to God instead of giving into my own desires. there is nothing of importance that is going to satisfy my spirit other than God. It has taken everything in me to come to this place of surrender, and I have to really push forward to see this thing through because i do not want to be stuck in this same place of screaming out my emotions to God, and not being heard because of my hard way of doing things in my life.

There is a place in God that my heart longs to be in Him again a resting place where I do not have to worry about who’s for me or who’s against me. I know that I am His, and He is mine. I will. no longer fight against what He is restoring in my life for His glorious purpose for the Kingdom. I won’t be satisified until He uses ever ounce of my life for His divine purpose for my life.

 

When I pray I want to sincerely touch God’s heart, and especially when I pray on the behalf of other people that I knojw that I love, nd also the ones that I do not even know as of yet.

What This Season Is Teaching Me

What This Season Is Teaching Me

 I honestly do not know where to begin, and or what to share, and what to keep personal. I mean as much as I share of my life on here. When does personal become private? Jereè – Founder of Mend The Vow

When I decided to open up about any, and everything that I was facing within my life i made a pact with myself that I would be open, honest, and horribly transparent without fear of being judged by anyone that heard of my story, and or whomever read my blog posts.

 

So here I am an living in the guilt of the shame of my sin, and in the heat of making the decision that will break not only my heart of another heart that is really into my heart, but not apart of God’s plan for my life. When I made up my mind to finally file the official paperwork to file for my divorce my head was so cloudy, and my feelings were so scattered to the point where I do not think I was ready to deal with it all.

When I decided to move back to the same city that my then husband was living at with his new girl friend I felt messed up about why’d I came back, and why I was not sticking to my guns about standing for my marriage. I was shook beyond belief when people would tell me the things that we coming out of my ex- husband’s mouth about not wanting to be with me anymore.

 

I was bothered about him putting our private matters out there, and to just leave me out here looking stupid all of this time when I was the one being the faithful wife to him. I prided myself on loyalty, and prayer in these last two years before it really got bad I was the one that begin making the tough necessary changes in the marriage in order for us to move on to another level in our lives. But sometimes change comes entirely way to late for some marriages.

I believed for a long time that God was going to rejuvenate my marriage, and revive it to the point of healing that it would minister to the world, and to His promises for marriages worldwide, but there is this thing that happened that tore my world apart, and it crippled me from even caring about the survival of my marriage all together. I met someone back in May. We vibed so good, functioned so deeply beautiful together that I thought this was it for me, and I called up my soon to be ex husband, and told him these exact words. “I met someone.”

 

He then immediately said ok file the divorce papers, and things from there in our communication was no more. I thought it through, and I thought I was really ready for what this type of thing brought , but the process of the emotions that cript up on me was too much for me to carry on my own. I got really tight with this man I became sexually invloved with, and I got to a place where I felt lost, and alone. I did not know who I wasanymore, and i really did not want anyone to know what i was facing, and or what I had gotten myself involved into.

I thought i had enough strength left to fight a little more to put this all behind me, and to move forward with the rest of my life. man this thing never ends well when I try to do it my own way. i thought i could begin a new fun filled life with this new guy in my life, and still serve God, and freely move about in my purpose, but this is so far from the truth of it all. I feel the guilt when him, and I kiss because its sin, and it shines like a magnet over my head.

 

I feel the stigma of pain that I felt when facing the adultery that my soon to be ex-husband brought into our marriage. The hurt, the shadows of women that he slept with were on the sheets of my bed every time he came home to be intimate with me, and now that him, and I have department I am doing the same to him in his absence.

What I am learning is that when I pointed the finger at him i was creating a pattern for myself to be judged on the same sin that he was currently doing, and when I was laughing at him I was disrupting the kindness that I was suppose to show him as his wife even though the sin was created I still should have been praying for the Glue (God) in our mariage to stand up, and fight for us.

 

I knew getting invloved with someone else while I was still dealing with all of this in my marriage headed for divorce, and being still emotionally messed up over it was not a good combination.

The road to redemption 

I havedecided to ultimately break it off with the guy that I am seeing, and I am dragging my feet in doing it. I know that I need to put a rush on it sooner than later because it is not right for me to be entangled in this tyoe of thing especially with me being a Christian I made a mistake, and I am deeply asking God to forgive me, and to allow me to feel the entire effect of this storm; so that I will never have to repeat it ever again.

 

 

Running From The Truth

Running From The Truth

The way of my faith is not noticeable any more, and i feel like I want to blind back in with the world because I feel like I am not strong enough to beat the odds in what I am facing in this season. I feel like i keep allowing myself to get caught up in things that are not meant for me to be in or even around.

my conscious is not where it needs to be, and I have not been seeking God as often as I should except for this morning. I got up and had a real raw conversation with God, and I asked Him to show me was my marriage his will for my life, and other things that were on my heart to get a cross to Him.

I miss the relationship that I share with God but I keep placing things in front of Him. I am not feeding my spirit, and I keep running from what i know is the truth. I know that God is all knowing, and all seeing; but what happens when I keeping making excuses as to why I do not want to do this or that?

I feel so empty, so sad on the inside. I feel like the only thing i want to do is lay around the house, and cry my eyes out. The truth of the matter is I want to feel love, I want to feel what I know in human form. But is this the only way for me to seek out what the heart wants? There has to be some other attachment that I can connect to other than the human body. Right? I miss my husband, but I am so tired of hearing from the lips of talkers of what he is doing, and how he is not concerned about me, and how he has moved on with his life.

 

I want to do the same, and i want to do it without being interrupted in the process, and I know that when this happens it a done deal on my end. But I think about what God is doing in the middle of all my sinful ways. why does he want to reconcile a damage and unhealed marriage? I can not understand why it matters to him so much when my husband, and I have hurt each other so much to where it is not repairable.

My heart is in ruins, my mental is deeply damaged, and i do not know if I can hold on to God, and suffer in this trails of marriage, and ministry. I was listening to the song “Broken” today By Shekinah Glory Ministries as I going through something so raw, and so deep that I told God I can not serve you any longer. I told Him that I was not cut out for this life. There is so much pain in saying yes to God, and no one can tell me different. The things that i have suffered for the Gospel is great, and the places I have been spiritually have been breathe taking, and at the same time I questioned for the first time in my life is it worth it?

 

I reach out to my mother, and told her my thought process, and the first thing she told me was that God said that this broke his heart hearing this from me, and I was like sorry, and she told me this will break your best friends heart, and I was like sorry. People do not know that silent battles that I face I am legit tired of going from happy in ministry to sad in the process of the wait.

Now to be totally honest I have not done my full best in this season because I have allowed myself to be influenced by some actions that I normally would run from, and at the same time i know that theTh. current things that I find myself entertaining is not even me. I wonder if i will ever get back in the fight like I use to be in. Fighting in prayer, fighting by digging deeper into the word of God. I have no clue who I am right now, and I do not want to be one of these Christians out here just faking a feeling.

 

I need God  to just really shake me, and put my back on the potters will. I am definitely willing to do my works again. All I know is that I want to get back into a place in God where nothing can distract me from Him. I pray that He will reach down from heaven and give me a sense of direction of where I am headed in Him. I am currently walking on shattered glass with a broken balance in my faith. I want to be cleansed once again in His Blood. I am so tired of being defeated my myself, and by the enemy.

 

The fact of the matter is I am tired of running from the truth, if love is love, and my marriage is meant to be reconciled by the father than I have to stop allowing others to depict how I should handle things concerning my marriage. I have to learn on God, and stop running on this playground called my feelings. There is much more to me that what I know I am really at a stand still, and i really need you guys to intercede on my behalf.

 

 

 

The Struggles Of Lust while On The Mercy Seat

The Struggles Of Lust while On The Mercy Seat

I wish I could listen to trap music while writing this blog post , and yes I still am finding it hard to even share what I am about to share with y’all!

I have been fighting left, and right with lust for the last few months. I was not always like this I was mentally sharpened to dodge these type of situations when it came to desiring a men that was not my husband. I feel like I am turning into a serial “Lustenator.” ( I know it is not a word, But this is the only way I know how to describe hw I have been feeling as of late.)

 

it seen like every time I gain some ground in overcoming not answering the phone, he calls, and I do not answer. I thought about blocking him, but i will only unblock him because I want to know if he is thinking of calling me, and I want to know that I am strong enough to not answer. It is like a cat, and mouse game.

I have had it up to here with the going back, and forward with not being able to pull my defense down, and last night something that I did not see coming came, and so did I. I was visiting a friend trying to make amends of something that got out of hand between him, and myself. I was just making small talk, and by the time I could get any words to come across my lips he grab me close to him, and laid me on his bed. I was not expecting this to happen.

 

By the time the stop came from  my lips my bottom half of my clothing were off, and he was indulging in my stuff. He was trying to go further, but all I seen was my husbands face, and I jumped up, and the guilt kicked all the way in. I rushed to grab my clothing, and headed back to where I dwelled. I jumped in the shower, and tried to scrub the actions that just took place off of me as best as I could.

As I laid in my bed all I could do is smell the sin freshly on my skin, and I was so embarrassed  knowing that I fell into this lustful thing. I thought about alcohol, and I thought about just not even remaining saved; because things were getting really bad in my life. I did not know if God threw me away already, and or if He even loved me. This is how the effects of the sin made me feel.

 

I did not do anything to try, and justify my action to God, all I did was ask him not to take The Holy Ghost from me. It all I have to get me through these crazy falls that keeps on happening in my life. I know that when I woke up this morning I prayed, and I went about my day. What seemed like a horrible nightmare turned out to be an infectious battle of being lonely, and missing my husband.

I was quick to heed to the voice of God to get into my word, and read James 5:8 I did not understand why God was leading me to understand something so needed most in a moment where I needed grace, and mercy from Him like I never needed it before in my life. My yearning for intimacy bubbled over, and it unmasked the weapon of lust, and I felt so insecure, and defeated in this area of my life.

 

What I need the most in my life is a passion to fight against the things that are coming for my life, my marriage, and most of all the ministry that God has laced in my hands. I can not forfeit the assignment on my life. I feel like i am half baked, and stretched to no end. The type of vices from the enemy is coming full force, and it does not take any breaks from my life.

I desire to know the deep forms of fighting in the sprit so that I can war properly in the Kingdom of God. all I can think of right now is that His grace is sufficient  for me. I had to fess up to my best friend, because she know first hand what I am going through, and she did not judge me; but she did correct me in love.

 

The learning curve has not been found in this season as of yet, and I know that my choice to stand, and fight is left up to me. my weakness has kept me away from God. I find myself not reading my word, and not praying, and or spending the time needed to press in. I am currently fasting it out, and the struggle with this has been quite challenging.

I know that the victory of overcoming this will come with a fight, and I am ready because I am legit sick, and tired of being defeated in all that I am facing. I have to know that God is in total control, and that my life is all the way in His mighty hands. The wages of sin is death, and I do not want to die, and left up m eyes in hell. my effort in gaining the victory of lust is to shed light in the dark places.

 

Ladies if you are suffering in silence just know that it is never right to continue doing what you are currently doing even if your hubby is in the wrong remaining faithful is always the right choice. I will continue to firmly press in to God, and to fight off this lustful nature. I only want the pure heart of healing for my myself, and my marriage.

After all these years of pointing the finger at my husband about being unfaithful, and not knowing how to keep it in his pants…. Now look where I ended up. confused, tied up in an emotional affair, allowing someone’s tongue to sample the goods, and for what? Chile nothing is more disheartening than knowing that this flesh is on display, and the enemy knows it.

Caught Out There

Caught Out There

The one thing that is hard to admit is that I am on the other side of infidelity. The one thing I applauded myself on not doing, and I deceived myself; because I thought I had proofed my body to resist anyone other than my husband.

This was not in my plan to allow my lips to be kissed passionately by a guy that was not you. I was in ruins in my mind all because I allowed my emotions to counter react to what I was attracted to in this fleshly body. I almost ruined everything that I was standing for in my marriage by releasing my inward desires on the outer parts of my skin. His touch was everything i was missing in my life, and with one kiss I was hooked  on him to the point where I was doing anything to see him. skipping time out with God, ignoring the important people in my life.

Nothing at this point in my life was so focused on my mind other that spending time with this guy. he was dropping nuggets of hope in my ear, and as my ears yearned for more of what he was saying i was distancing myself from setting my faith, and hope in reconciling back with mu husband.

 

This guy had me so open that no one could get my attention. He smile, his embrace, and his charm really had me at a loss for words. he was arranging words like you’re my soulmate, and you’re my wife. Basically everything that challenges what God said concerning my marriage was taking a turn in a negative way.

 

There had been times where I did not feel like myself when I was with him, and I knew what we were doing was not right, but I did not care; because I missed being touched, held, and most of all the center of attention in someone’s eyes.

 

I thought to myself this was for sure  the guy for me, and as he was telling me that I should proceed with a divorce so that he and I could work on our future together. He told me all the things that God told me that I was going to have with my husband. I did not see what was happening to me in the beginning because I was so broken to the point that I did not care who I ended up with I just wanted to be wanted.

 

Here are some factors that I did realized in the middle, and at  end the  of breaking it off with this guy!

  1. After I got my head out of the clouds just to ask my pastor at the time  to simply say a strong prayer for me that night, and the following day my former pastor instructed me that the distraction was sent to spiritually kill me, and this is without me ever telling him that I  was involved with anyone.

  2. After finding out this information of this prophetic word from my former pastor do you know I still was in connection with this guy. I t was something that I was lacking in my own personal life, and at the moment it was very hard for me to give up,
  3. Every time I would get around this guy it was like I turned into someone else, and I could not fight against what we were doing. The intimacy we shared never lead to sex, but baby it almost did, and as bad as I wanted to I know about what those soul ties come with.

  4. The one thing that really frighten me about this guy is every time we were so close to becoming intimate he would get overly aggressive. This was something that shook me because I was rapped at a young age, and when things remind me of something trying to force themselves on me the first thing I immediately to is freeze up, and get ghost.
  5. I blocked him for a full month , and a half from March – Early May of 2019, and I thought to myself it is finally over. I finally thought I would be able to breathe without being bothered with this person that was so wrong for me, but yet felt so right for me when I was with him.

He called my phone May 2, 2019 from a number that was not stored in my phone. I answered he spoke, and I did not recognize his voice at first, and he spoke again, and my whole world shook. Here I was free of all this whirlwind amazing false filled love, and here comes Mr. not the one chasing my phone number down. I asked him how he got my number trying to remain strong, and at the same time wondering why it took him so long to reach out to me.

he informed me that he lost the phone that he had owned prior to having my phone, and that he went back to a recent place I once visited to get my phone number from a mutual person that we both known. I was really impressed, but at the same time I told myself I could not get wrapped up in him again, because on May 2nd, 2019 was the first time in a long time that I was ready, and willing to rise up again in faith to fight for my marriage.

we spent hours on the phone catching up on life, fantasy sex, and making it happen in the weeks to come. I was unmoved in the process that I had made. He was back in my world, and back in my reach, and nothing was going to stop him from caressing his joint in my mix. I was at this point playing rush, and  roulette with my marriage, and I was more that willing to barging with those divorce papers.

So with him back on the play list I hit my husband up in a text, and told him I was ready to give him his last name back because I met someone, and I was finally ready to move one with my life.

 

 

After that text was sent i felt like there was nothing else to be said so I got back in my Ryan mold, and starting to talk to him back to back day, and night. He took my breathe away literally until God begin to show me the extent of who was hiding behind the man I desired so much.

One night we were on the phone, and I heard something in his laugh that made me do a double check in the spirit. He laughed but he sounded so demonic, and so not like his normal sexy laugh that i was use to hearing from him. this laugh made me rethink the harm i was willfully placing myself in.

The final night that i talked to him was the night that i made up in my mind that I was going to have to really release myself from even ever thinking of being with him again. This started a chain reaction of a series of events that I will never forget. When Ryan called not picking up the phone was not the greatest challenge for me it was not resisting the voice of God to calm my spirit, and to allow Him to wash me in Him again, and to renew my mind, and as well as my heart.

 

 

Before You Give Up On Your Marriage Read This!!!!!

When God sends a words of reconciliation to your marriage it often thought of as a rapid response from heaven, and in most cases the wait can seem impossible when God is not moving as you think that he should. But what you have to understand is that the things that God is turning around in your marriage has patience invovled, with God working in eternity you can not fight against what needs to happen.

 

Over the summer in 2018 my marriage was going through a hardship of trust issues, lack of care, and lack of respect on my end towards my husband. He kept asking me to change, and I kept feeling like he needed to change, and not myself; so as things started to go further down hill I begin to see him less, and less to the point where he stop coming home, and when he did come home it was onlty to shower , and get dressed for work, and at this tie I was trying to change the beat of the drum when it came to how I taklk to him, and how i treated him as a man. I was doing all the things that he was asking me to do when he was still in the home before it got extra, and out of hand.

 

By then it was entirely way too late he check out mentally, and I was left feeling wrecked in my own feeling uncertain of what, and what would become with the rest of my life. I thought I was going to move through life following a path of my own, but then God started talking He gave me the secret sauce of how to fight the good fight of faith where m husband soul. He instructed me that my marriage was in shambles, but the key to the promise of my marriage was through my total obedience; so as my husband was out of the home, and not checking for me God begin to slowly get my attention when He told me to go on a 21cday fast not just for my marriage but for marriages all across this world.

I was in no place to fast on behalf of someone else’s marriage in the thought that formed in my mind, and i realy did not have enough strength to jump on a fast that would require my undivided attention. Honestly all i wanted was my husband, but God pursued me some more, and i stp saying no, and as the days went on my heart grew a little more hopeful concerning the hopes of being reconciled back with my husband, and having a loving, and happy marriage. I know that the road to this path was not going to be a easy one; so I was learning as God was leading my feet to move in the direction that He was laying for my feet to travel on.

 

It began with a yes Lord, and a small amount of faith that was all I could mustard up after crying for weeks over the thoughts of me loosing my husband, the one person that I knew God sent in my life to love me. But God was revealing so much more in me that i knew, and it would take a matter of six months of praying, fasting, and standing to see the full plot that the enemy tried to cover my husbands eyes with. See what we as wives do not understand is that we have the spiritual authority to pray against what tries to form in our husbands lives, and in, and round about in our marriage.

 

August 2018 is where God showed me my strenth in the familiar places of how to pray in the mind the things that bind us apart, and when He commanded me to stop looking just at missing my husband, and trying to just fixate on my marriage a real light blub went off in my head concernig the bigger plot of the enemy he not only wanted to distance my husband from our marriage but he wanted his life. i really started to war in the spirit, and as God started placing people in my life to fight with me I begin to build the spiritual gates around me that would deny access to the enemy.

 

September is where I gained more spirital ground to fight from a place where it just was not about myself, but I started to fight for my husband, for his heart, for his happiness in God, and for his ministry. God says in his word that a wise woman builds up her house , and a foolish woman tears it down. Proverbs 14:1

October 2018 taught me how to uncloud my judgement, and how to get out of the way of God by not doing what He can ony do on behalf of my marriage. i learned the errors of my ways, and I fell a lot of times in trying to make my husband come home. I paid his car not, and I was still paying his cell phone bill kafter God told me to stop trying to make him stay. There was a lot of things that God wanted to do for both of us in this time apart, and I had to learned this lesson the hard way.

November had to be onek of the hardest months for me as a wife it had been close to weeks since i had laid eyes on my husband, and I never thought that the day would come where I had no psychical control in not being able to roll over in bed to cuddle up to my husband. i was so vexed inside my spirit of the ways that I thought on of how I talked to him, and how I pushed him away.

December is where i matured the most in God. i felt the turn around in my favor when I really let God lead my heart back to the heart of Him. i had no errors, no fault finding where my husband was concerned, and for the most part I was so ready for him to return home but I knew that I had to wait for God to sound the alarm in heaven, and for Him to open the door for my husband to come home.

 

So here we are in January 2019

  1. the tears flowed
  2. the preparation of making ready our home comfortable for my husband has been done
  3. the forgiveness on my end has been done
  4. the instruction of God to me concerning the return of my husband has been laid out to me
  5. favor has been found in God’s heart for me in my marriage to be reconciled
  6. the defeat of the strange woman has been sent out on the battle field of prayer for her to depart in all areas of my husbands life
  7. Now the waiting is coming to an end.

 

So what now?

Whie God is still dealing with my husband, and tearing down the rest of the enemy camp I am rising up givig God thank for all that he has taught me, and for all that he is doing and will do in my marriage.

 

S/N

You can not just sit unprepared, and without expectation you have to really address you own fault, your own issues, and your own insecurities while being ready to fight like a woman of God who will not allow a strang woman to play house with your husband whom God has given you for a lifetime.

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