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Archive For The “My Story” Category

Today I Embraced My Issues

Today I Embraced My Issues

Today was the day that I had my first counseling session, and let me tell you it was somewhat comfortable, and uncomfortable at the same tine. There were a lot of things that flowed freely in the conversation on my end that i was surprised about that i shared with my therapist the reason why is I just do not feel comfortable share my life with someone i do not know but this was so different.

There were certain topcs that came up that i truly thought wold not bother me if I talked about them but boy was I wrong like the death of my father really still internally rips me to pieces each time I talked about him today because I still miss him, and have not dealt with the absence of him being murdered back in 2013.

 

I was a true Daddy’s Girl, and no one could tell me anything where my father was concerned it feels like I lived in a place of solitude after he passed away i was bitter, and angry with no sense of understanding as to why this would happen at that particular time in my life when my father, and I were mending our relationship after not being in one another ‘s life for sometime. This really shook the core of my heart, and I really just shooved my feelings to the back burnng, and moved on with my life like he never died.

Today I found out that I was still in mourninkg, and that I needed to figure out away to set some time aside, and release the pain, and to finally heal, and move forward from the absence of not having my father anymore. There will always be days to where i might allow his face to cross my memory bank, and at other times I just will not think of him. I remember the times where I would want his picture up to reflect on the love him, and I shared as father, and daughter but i cannot even bring myself to look at pictures of him because it hurts to much.

I know will come to a resolve in putting this chapter in my life into perspective, and I will celebrate the love that i once shared with my father by living a bold life before God, and representing all the good qulaities that my father instilled inside of his heart but could not carry out. My father loved to write poetry, and I love to write poetry so i think I will do something in that area to celebrate him daily.

My husband is not my father, but why did I expect him to father me?

Today i notice through the years I have been pressing the issue silently for my husband to fulfill the duties of my father like love me, and take away all of myfear like my father would, and the pressure of not getting all of what i expected really made me angry until I realized a few months back that it was not my husbands job to father me he is my husband, and not my father this was hard to take in because my husband was there for everything from the time my father was in the hospital until they found my dad murdered outside of his apartment building.

As I begin to discuss these things with my therapist tears were falling from my face because i thought about all of the pressure that I’d placed on my husbands shoulders. Things had to be repaired between us in this area but how, and where would I begin to start? What would I say to him to get him to understand my need to apologize?

Other issues & topics that were touched on during this session! 

my mother came up in this session, and it was something that left me feeling a bit shady for a few reasons.

Issues that were dissed during this session that has a major impact on my life. 

  1. Becoming a better me, and a better wife.

2. My mother never mothered me, and we lived in the same home, and she was the moment distant person in my life, and it is still like this today. 

3. The man that sexually assaulted me came up.

4. Planning goals to heal from it all.

There is a long road ahead in this healing process, and there will be a lot of pain that will be unearthed in these sessions to come but I know one thing God has eveything concernig me in the palm of His hands.

 

Tonight I am standing on this passage of scripture for this journey in my healing process. 

“I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.

He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee. Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone. Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭91:2-13‬ ‭KJV‬‬

 

What I’m Learning In this current Season

What I’m Learning In this current Season

Nothing is too hard for God to put back together when you place your faith in Him. 

This season God is showing me that this faith walk is merely is a test of strength, and pure obedience in all things. Nothing that I am going through currently is going to take me out but rather strengthen me for things to come in the upcoming seasons of my life.

God has been so good to me, and I know that when you are assigned to something God will stretch you in a way where you have no choice but to expand your faith, and grow in where God is calling you to.

I know that in life sometimes it may seem like I am  going through, and going through again, and again but I am learning to leverage my trails, and my my praise, and worship to God. see I was once at a low point in my life where when I went through I would just sink, and let the storm beat me, and break me, and when it was over I had no strength left to care about fight through to the next season.

God had to really show me how to be still, and show me how to fight through my sound, and this was the first lesson that I have learned this year is how to raise my authority in my worship, and I am telling you this is one powerful instrument that no one can use but me.

There is nothing like the sound of worship that lingers before God especially when you are going through the rough storm of your life, and you choose to not only give God a praise, but to not look like what you are going through in public, and or behind closed doors. This is called being spiritually mature in God, and this is where I am.

I refuse to lay down in the pit of this storm but I rather be willing to offer up all the praise that I can mustard up, and give it unto God as a sweet smellign fragrance. See I know that my worship has to come from a clean place, and through clean hands with a pure heart, and this is what I have, and thy remain that way because I mind my own business, and I am not consumed by the affairs of business that is not mine to mind.

 

Stop Guarding Your Heart: After The Reconciliation: Part 1

Stop Guarding Your Heart: After The Reconciliation: Part 1

After I got back together with my husband i was stuck in the mindset of things going back how thet use to be with us. you know before the affair, and before the separation i just had it in my mind that I wanted that old thing back with us. I always envisioned the day that we would be back close staring at the t.v doing nothing but enjoying laying near his heart, and breathing in his scent; but boy was I living on  fairytale island.

As days turned into months i found myself trying to reinvent us, and he was still stuck on the island of why did i come back? He told me that I had hurt him so bad to the point where he hated me, and he really did not know why reconciled back to this marriage. Was I stock to hear this as his wife? Yes! And I started at that point to retract on all that God told me to stand for where my marriage was concerned.

So many thing at this point where running through my mind. Like was he still seeing this other woman while trying to see if he still could work on this thing we were still calling a marriage?  I felt so mislead by what he felt towards me on the other side of his heart. I want to revert from him even thinking about the things that he let come out of his mouth to me. But I could not stop him from feeling low in love, and low in comfort. I understand I hurt him. But did that cause for him to go out, and shame me by cheating with some woman?

I tried to lie to myself that everything was going to fall back into place, and I somehow convinced myself that my husband was just acting strangely because it’s been two months since we had lived in the same space, and we just needed to readjust to one another. Again i was so wrong for thinking so immaturely. I lost him to the source of another person, and I now was being compared to her. He told me things that made me want to punch him in the face, and I wanted to find her, anddraw blood; because she had not just slept with my husband but she comforted him, and nutured his heart that was collapsing.

I wonder if the road could ever turn for us in a positive way, and then i was thinking of how revengeful i wanted to be toward him; so I compiled a plan of action to disassociate myself from my husband. bad idea, because the only person that i was hurting in the long run was myself. Why? because I am his wife, and I am the one that is confessing to be saved, and filled with the Holy Ghost.

I spent months being uncaring, undesirable, and unbothered by the needs of my husband. I becae detached from what made him happy, and what I needed to do in prayer for God to get the glory. I fell into a deeper pit that I allowed myself to fall into. And lets be clear it wasn’t the enemies fault this time I solely allowed myself to push my husband further away from my heart all because I did not want to be truthful of the hurt, and lack of communication that I was displaying.

The more I would push him away the more he returned to satans playground, and I didn’t care because I was using my pain to fuel my plan, and I was not going to shape my heart in the.right direction just because i know that it would give peace to my home. Oh yes I was burning up with deception lies, and a cry for revenge because I relaized that my heart was bleeding.

I was so convinced that if i set out to punche my husband that it would make him see the era of his way, and that he would come begging for my forgives. Now at this time i was blinded by this bed that I made , and proudly dressed in the material of my own hell. Could not easily rn back to God, and ask kfor His help this time. So I had to lay in this bed of discomfort while my marriage was still bleeding, and suffering more than ever.

After awhile I found myself dying a little on the inside daily; because I could even stand myself, I was already broken on the inside, and now I made myself hate my own husband instead of praying for healing I created hatred in my marriage. The eneny a filled day with the plans that I put together for my marriage. He became the main dancer in my one woman show in destroying my marriage.

All of this transpired in a blink of an eye, and after seven months of being back together I am finally able to see clearly , and work on, and past the deceit in which I have place in my marriage.

[bctt tweet=”Guarding your heart in your marriage is the worst thing you can do as a wife. ” username=”@MendTheVow”]
It’s Just Hair…. Or Is It?

It’s Just Hair…. Or Is It?

Sometimes things can be overlooked that can really fester in ones marriage. 

 

For some time I’ve been playing around with my hair in it’s natural state, and my husband could not stand the fact that I made a decision about my hair that he was not in agreeance with. I felt just like most women in the world it is my hair and I do not need to get a clearance from you ink order to wear my hair the way I choose to: but this is where a small conflict in my marriage cause an even bigger rift between myself, and my husband. I thought as long as I was taking a stand for the way that I decided to wear my hair that eventually my husband would come around to loving the hair that I love wearing not so for years he suggested the style in which he desired for my hair, and for years I ignored him because I purposely wanted my desire more than his desires to see me in the desirable way he intended.

 

[bctt tweet=”Hair isn’t more important than keeping the state of your marriage intact. Allowing your husband to see you in your most beautiful state in his eyes is so important.” username=”MendTheVow”]

Click on the link below to watch the video clip.

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My advice to you….

Do not let your own selfish opinion of how you desire something outweigh your “husband’s” desire you see you in the way he choices. Have you ever considered that he might find you sexy in the view he needs, and wants to see you wear your hair?

Take the time to unselfishly be more considerate to having a open my when it comes to wearing your hair the way your hubby ask you to wear it.

 

 

Until next time ladies.

If you have any questions or if you want to share a hair story that pertains to this post click here

 

I Remember The First Day As a Wife

I Remember The First Day As a Wife

Remeber the first time I realized my life was changing, and I was no longer a fiancé but a bride, and for me this was a little overwhelming but in a good way. The day I became Mrs. Black everything felt right, and everything was going well in my home, but I know that I had some baggage that was left unhandled. I thought that I could just shove it under the rug, and that it would just go completely away. Little did I know that in the months, and years to come all of my suppressed anger, and emotional feeling will somehow cause my marriage to become a marriage of misery.

I thought that if I played everything by ear that things would somehow equal out to what I saw in my fairytale in my mind. As I look back to that time almost 6 years ago I am thank that God is releasing all of that toxic mess that was going on inside of me. Ladies not dealing with your past can lead into your present, and it will rear its ugly head in your future if you let it linger. The one piece of advice that I can give is to always be honest with your husband, and never get upset when they are asking about your past you never know if God is leading you to your breakthrough.

Fear is the enemy, and being fearful can ruin your future so please take the time to salvage your past, and make sure that you unpack your baggage deal with it. Never put anything before your happiness with your husband. Sometimes we can overlook things that we may think that we’re healed from. We all have things that helps us reach our beginning process in our healing stage for me it was sharing my story with other women, and since May 14, 2014 I’ve been encouraging women to share their truth, and to draw closer to God, and their husbands. Nothing is going to start off easy, and we all know that everything is a process’ so seek God to draw your strength from, and ask God what he want you to do.

Remember that your testimony can unlock someone else’s breakthrough. So I know that you can do it, and that you are going to win in the end of completing your healing process. I rooting for all women to shed that old skin, and to reclaim your life in the name of Jesus’.

God I call upon you right now asking that you will go, and lay your healing hand on every women that is dealing with depression, and that doesn’t see a way out of their Desiree.

Father I know that you can, and will heal them from their pain. Lord you’re a healer, and it’s proclaimed in your word that by your strips we are healed’ so Father I know that you can do anything, but fail, and I know that you will show these women that are hurting the way out of their circumstance. I pray these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

What does the real you look like?.

What does the real you look like?.

Are you hiding the real you, because you’re afraid of people seeing you, and realizing that you are artificial?

Who can really relate to being in a space where they once hid their real identity from people they love, people they respected, and most of all the one person that you vowed to send eternity with. Yes ladies I am guilty of hiding my true identity from my husband. Why? Because I was ashamed that he would judge me based on what my past did to me as a woman, and I refused to relived the things that happened to me long agon. The year was 2011, and he came into my living room I was drinking, and he was with my brother I never thought that by meeting someone one night would cause a shift in a way in my life like no other time before.

When I set eyes on him God revealed to me the secrets of what was to come between this man and I, but I was in this state of hurt not knowing where I was headed in my life, and further more I really didn’t care what was to happen to me. I was in a place of darkness, and I really did not know how to get into the light. I was fearful, and wanted to hurt people the way people hurt me in my past. I didn’t like to be around people, and I was just find with that, but to fool the wise I would just laugh and appear to be happy when I was around people. I didn’t know what it was like to be loved or feel loved from anyone. I came from a home where love wasn’t shown or rarely spoken of.

The year 2012 was the year that changed my life for the better in more was that I could ever dream. God sent this man in my life to be my husband, and I was so scared to show him the real me, because I didn’t want him to know what details of abuse, and shame God behind this smile that I falsely gave. I didn’t want him to know that I didn’t know how to love myself’ so how could I I possibly love him? This man that didn’t owe me anything came into my life, and began to fiercely challenge me to break down the walls that I build. He showed me nothing but real, and unconditional love, but I still didn’t show him my true self until our second year of marriage. I started to tell him of all the things that happened to me in my life from childhood, and also into my adulthood, and with tears in my eyes he never said a judging words against me.

I  all the gratitude in the world to my husband for guiding me to a place of peace in my life, and to god I owe everything. You sent this man to me when I was bare, and broken. Get the full story here

Ladies I want to encourage you to unmask yourself don’t be artificial in life, in your marriage or in anything. I challenge you to tell your truth, and not be ashamed of who you are. Share you story

 

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