Archive For The “Un-Mended” Category

A Mother’s Betrayal

A Mother’s Betrayal

 

Tonight I am in high emotion, and here’s why 

 

The betrayal that I feel right now has me wanting to explode ten thousand times over from what my mother is doing right in front of my face. befriending the person that put their hands of me just six days ago. I know I should not be surprised; because this is the same woman that put me out of the house at night when I was twelve years old after I told her who raped me, and she slapped me while telling my abuser to go back into the house.

I guess nothing really was expected to change when all I received from my mother was heart break after continual heart break. There has never been a since of love that I felt from her. I can remember her always showing love to other kids, but never to me nor any of her other children. I always fought for a place in her life, and for once I thought this year we were headed in a different direction, but the joke was on me again to even think that there could be anything real coming from her.

 

I feel as though I am being tested in the fire because even though I am seeing her actions God is telling me not to responde to anything that is going on aoround me currently. And for the most part I have been listening to the sound of His correction that is guiding me to a place that is not very familiar to me when it comes to me keeping quiet especially where my mother is concerned.

I feel like like the little gril trapped back in 1994 where i just want to cry all day, and hide under a cover just to feel invisible around everyone. But what I can not do is allow this to shatter my heart. I am already facing the pain behind my marriage ending, and this is only adding insult to injury b not having the support of my mother behind this. I feel so ripped of, and I feel like there a a major lesson for me to learn in all of this, but right now my tunnel vison is not allowing me to fully grasp what that lesson is.

 

I feel like I am the adult poster child for reoccurring pain where my old childhood wounds have not healed, and the band-aid keeps officially unpealing over, and over again. I know this is something that I do not want to keep encounter in my life. So I have thought long, and hard about this choice that I am about to make concerning my mother. I have battled with the fact of can I go on with my life without ever seeing or hearing from my mother again, and the answer I have determined within myself is yes. Hell yes! Because there is way too much pain, and she ignites it every time she gets into her evil streaks.

I want healing to come, and i know as long as she is even attached to my life there will be no full closure of the pain from everything that I have experience with her being my parent. It is a sad shame that at this age I am still struggling with this issues. I remember wanting to end my life back in 2009 because of all this pain she gave me. I never thought that she would betray me like this again, and sometimes I wish I was never born of her womb. I feel like it was a curse to my life. who in there right collective mind would offer up there child to different man, and then go to church on a Sunday worship God or whomever she serves, and knowing what you are putting your daught through at home?

 

I am really emotional right know for a lot of reason, and I do not want to break down. I feel like I am giving power to this situation if I do, but at the same time I feel like I need a good cry before God in worship to surrender all of this frustration that is building up on the inside of my heart. This is really not a good place to be in for anyone.

 

We always here of women having Daddy issues   

But what about the women that faces the same issues, but with their mother. This is a deep subject that rest in the households of some women that I know. Tonight I talked how I felt with a good friend before I even came to the point of writing this post, and she confided in me that she still deals with mommy issues with her mother.

 

I thought i was the only one that was fighting this battles with my mom, but that goes to show you how the enemy will make you feel like you are lone in what you are facing. I want to take action, and take this a step futher by doing more to spread awareness about not having a mother love, support, or guidance growing up as a child, and still not having it as a grown woman.

Register today and get 20% off of your first 3 months of your subscription when you join Mend

 

My mission is to break the cycle of abuse that is reoccurring in my life, and in the lives of other women. Now is the time to take action, and to join a Sisterhood That is here to support you on your healing journey.

 

An Unloved Daughter

An Unloved Daughter

Fear has kept me from writing about this, but fear will not stop me from healing through writing this.  Jereè – Founder of Mend The Vow

A repeated cycle is all I know about her. There is no depth of of a mother, and daughter relationship. She just pushed me out, and left me to fight in this world alone. I never noticed how cruel the world was until I begin to feel the effects of it, and it became even realer when I felt the coldness of my mothers shoulder as it turned even colder towards me as a child, teenager, and as an adult.

 

I always somehow find myself grieving the relationship that never formed between her, and I. Its like I yerned for a mothers love, and all she gave me was a distant heart. I cannot remember ever being close to her let alone feeling loved by her. But she always knew how to fake like she needed me; but this only happened when she needed something from me.

 

At the age of thirteen years of age I asked Paulette to go to counseling with me. We scheduled the appointment, but there was never a session of theropy to be had. She never took into account the damage that she allowed to happen in my life. The abuse of different men that sexually assaulted me as a child. She never ever said she was sorry for the rape at the age of eleven when T.C came back around in our lives. How could she not protect me?

 

I have a lot of resentment towards her, but I still love her, and this is the things that I do not understand about myself. How can I love a monster that has a title of mother? She invaded my space with hugs, and alter calls, but truth be told religion is just a huge front on her part to cover up the mask pain that she placed on me.

 

I never felt the affection of a mothers love, and I longed for it to the point I wsould be around her while barring the pain that was afflicted on me by the men she allowed around me as a child. The measures of scars felt from this heart never seems to close when the wounds on my heart are still bleeding open.

 

She hid from the world behind the pulpit selling dreams to people of faith while destroying me at home. The first time I met my father was the first time I felt a solid love from a parent, and although he remained in, and out of my life one thing never failed his love for me.

Today I am choosing to free my heart from her pain, and today I cried in releasing this. My efforts is to grow past this cycle of hurt, dysfunction, and move into the lane of healing, and betterment of myself as a woman. I refuse to live another day unhinged in the shadows of a love that I can never find within my mothers heart for me.

 

No matter how the wind blow on my face I will never know the beauty of a mothers love, but i do know that the abuse stops her I will no longer allow it to breathe in my heart, ans or around the heart of the women that I will give birth to one day.

 

Here are some traits of cycles of abuse

  • Your child suddently withdrawls from their normal activies 

  • Your child becomes more, and more distant from people that were once close to

  • Your child does openly talk to you like they use too

  • Your child shows signs of sexual maturity too soon in their age bracket

  • Your child starts to act out for no reason 

When a child experiences any form of sexual abuse it ties them to their abuser for the rest of their natural life. there are times where I remember wanting to take my own life, and I was only elven years of age. I ran away from home because the sexual abuse was beginning to become so unbarable. I could not take him sticking it in, and out of me on a consistant basis. The pain was too deep, and when I form the courage at the age of twelve years old to tell my mother she slapped me, and told my abuser to go back in the house after she put me out, and sent me away to live with my big sister.

 

This jouney of digging deeper into that closet of hurt, and peeling back the fear to tell of this is crushing me right now, but I am fighting for my healing this time around.

 

If you are experiencing any pain of sexual abuse, and or are healing from childood abuse tell someone, and know that you can always reach out and e-mail me with your question, or just to vent hopeforthehealing@gmail.com

Deception In The Bedroom

Deception In The Bedroom

One of the most tragic things that can happen in our lives is thinking that we are right about how we want to live our lives, and be fueled by the deception that the enemy presents us with on a consistent basis.

Well if you have ever fell into the greatest deception of your life, and current you do not know how to get out I pray that my trail, and tribulation in this #Un-mended truth will shed light on being blinded, and deceived by the hands of the enemy.

I have been through a lot in my life, and there were a lot of things that displaced my thought concerning who I wanted, and who I was supposed to be. read my full story Click here

[bctt tweet=”Being damaged by being sexual abuse lead me into a bed that i should have never crawled into. Being intimate with another female was the worst decision that my flesh had ever desired, and made. ” username=”@mendthevow”]

The year was “2001”. back then I was living in Las Vegas were at that time I was young, popin’, and living on my own at the age of 19 yrs old. 

The longing for growing as a young woman was the only thing that fueled me to do something with myself, and if anyone knew anything about me I did everything B.I.G! Bold, irresponsible, and Greedy. Yup that was me way back when, and I did not care about how people perceived me because I was the girl that had it all while everyone was happy to grace my presence I was just a lot girl searching to belong.

I was always so trusting, and so naive to a lot of things, and no matter how street smart I thought I was something, and or someone was always pulling the wool over my eyes.

The moment I met him he was trouble, and I did not care while everyone including two of my older brother were warning me to stay away from him, my flesh could not resist “Rudolph” The key to my first encounter. 

I can remember it like it all happened like yesterday. and I regret the day I ever spoke a word from my mouth to his ears because he left a scar on my heart, and bruises on my skin that would cause me to hide this pain deeply down in the back of my mind for 18 years.

The darkest moments of my life were barried deep in the Las vegas in a bed that I did not sleep in but found at that time what I thought was the greatest desire of my life. 

On a Wednesday morning I headed to a job interview, and as I was appoaching the next move to take in my life out there in “Vegas” There he was, and here the bus came, and as I boarded the bus our eyes locked. From that moment everything changed, and my life the way I thought it should go wnet right down the drained after I exchanged digits with him.

A few days after my interview he called, and I was unbothered yet excited that he remembered me in his thoughts. Why? because I wanted him, but I did not need him for anything, and the latch to my heart had already been undone, and corrupted with sexual immorality that I did not care about him abusing my body, and or just wanting sex from me.

On the third day of talking, and becoming a little familiar with him he asked could we chill, and I jumped at the chance to say yes without even considering his motives. i was eager to be around him, and anything like my “brothers” trying to stop that would have no authority to do so. How I would regret not listening to sound wisdom from them.

[bctt tweet=”The error that I was walking in was reeling all in my spirit, and guess what Idid not care but every time the act was committed my spirit felt so low. ” username=”@mendthevow”]

The first time he came to my apartment he was controlling, and I thought I like a man that takes charge. I did not know why I was feeling like this when I never allowed anyone to control me. I always set the tone in whomevr I choose to deal with but he was certainly different.

He mentioned that he did not like the company I kept, nd this was on the first night. “Clearly a red flag that I was blind to”.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into the most hurtful, hateful, and harmful times of my life. He wrecked every possibility of trust, and every thought of freedom. There was no rush in getting to know him at first on his end, and as he showed up to my apartment on a daily basis he managed to run everyone that cared about me off.

i·so·la·tion
ˌ
noun
  1. the process or fact of isolating or being isolated.
  2. “the isolation of older people”

This was one of his methods to get me cornered to get me all to himself to gain full access to my mind, my body, and my time.

After he started unfolding his plans for me i stll unknowingly decided to stay around because he had grown on me, and I thought i now needed him instead of just wanting him.

The abuse begin to seep in. First it was an agrument which begin over little things, and he would tear me down with his word. He would be angry about the smallest things, and would blame me for everything that he did that wnet wrong while we were together.

The day that he got me evicted from my apartment, and disturbed my peace of mind on a level that i never thoguht was possible was the moment he enslaved me, and locked me away, and was breaking me down to the lowest point of my life while salpping me across the face, and violating me after an arguemt. He would then apologize, and stating I made him upset so this is why he had to teach me a lesson.

I adapted the more he broke me down because my self worth crumbled, and let’s not mention self esteem there was not any left. he was grooming me to his game of streets, and when he fianlly revealed his ultimate plans for me I literally collapsed in my spirit. Why? and there was no none to help me because he ran everyone away.

He kneeled a whispered in my ear that I was his, and anything he wanted to do with me was his choice my eyes got so wide when he mentioned the other things in my ear which horrified me to the core of my soul. “He wanted me to prositute for him, and this was the moment I told him to kill me because there was no way in hell that I would ever do that williingly or forcefully.

pros·ti·tute
ˈprästəˌt(y)o͞ot/
noun
  1. 1.
  2. a person, in particular a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment.
  3. synonyms: call girl, whore; More

    He locked me away to break me even more, and somehow I did not break, and as the days went on he was running out of patience, and out of money was he decided that he would allow me to go back to my job, and as he handed me my identification He kept my social security card for insurance that I would habe to come back to him after work.

  4. As I exchange words of  I will be back after work I knew this was the only chance I has to save my life, and to ruin his plans for me. i called a co worker that I met on the job, and I told her some of what was going on, and she was in disbelief because she was like I never thought he was like that “In the beginning of knowing Rudolph he end up working at the same job but left because he loved getting money the fast way.

She just looed a me with pity, and was like girl I had no idea you were going through tis with him. She came up with a plan of action, and caled the authorities, and we were told to wait at a safe location near by until they arrived at Rudolphs residents.

As hours past, and as I grew worried about what woud happened the police came, and we met at a local gas station directly across where the nightmare took place, and they told me to call him, and as I proceeded to do so he answered calling me a dirty b word for calling the police. I thought to myself “How did he know?’. Well he drove up to the gas station while I was calling him, and when I tell you he acted as thought he had a gun, and the whole peace scene almost turned deadly the police reach for their guns, and he was trying to take everybody out with him.

After telling the police of the things that he did, and the fact that he kept me against my will they mentioned that it was my word against his, and made him turn my possessions, and some how the one thing he could find was my social security card I was very scared at this point that he would be able to track me, and find me and do more harm if not kill me for escaping on him.

Well after this storm subsided more things happened like  absorbing fresh air, and engaging in sexual sin with the woman who helped me escape the hell that I was in. I ended up having at that time in my life no where to go, and as she lend her ear, and her shoulder to cry on she also opened her bed to me.

I did not perceive that she was even into women I was reeling from all that happen that I walked right into another hell, and the first encounter with her sexually was a disadvantage of needed to be comforted, and the distraction that it brought kept my mind off of the things i did not want to give my attention to.

She knew exactly the angle to play, and i fell for it everytime. She would talk to me, and comfort me, and we would end up in the act being intimate over, and over again, and by the time it was done I grew further into darkness, and by no means did she ever force my decision to interact with her sexually I knew exactly what I was doing by making the conscious decision to step into her bedroom.

After being connected to her for some time she wanted more emotionally than i was willing to give, and she knew all that I had been through with that last situation, and at this point I was just having fun. She turned into someone else when I stop sleeping with her we got into so bad one night that she grabbed a knif, and tried to stab me. how! right?

Well the night that she exposed her crazy side i ended up returning to where i did not want to be my stomping ground California, and from 2001 – 2011 I had various sexual encounters with different woman, and I was drowing in the pit of hells gates. I could not stop engaging into the sexual deeds with women.

One day I made up in my mind that I was not going to ever be with a man again because they hurt the core of my heart, and being with a woman did not bring the same hurt that a man providing me in my past.

I was stuck on this choice, and i was committed to my decision, while i was making these plans for myself, God was executing a different plan for my life that i at that time was not aware of. in 2011 i tried my hardest to hook up with women, and everytime i would get ready to meet up with them something would go wrong, and I would get fedup up, and try again, and  again, and each time I know now God was blocking the enemy from leading me down the wrong path.

I had no idea that God cared so much about how I lived my life, and I did not know that He was going to position me to heal from being by sexual, and from being a serial womanizer thank God for heal, and for pursuing His daughter.

i went through a lot of purging spiritually, and I had to learn through God how to break the soul ties thatt were connected to me through the sexual desires, and encounters that I experienced with these multiple women.

I thank God that I am free, and that I am no longer living a lust filled life, and i want you to know that there is freedom in finding sexual purity in God. I had to really go through the straggly struggle of not desiring, or craving to be with another woman, and it hurt like hell to get over the desire. my body ached for it, and every time I thought about going back to it God held my hand even when I did not ask Hm to.

If you are desiring to break free from the bondage of same sex relationships you can reach out several different was by e-mail mendthevow@gmail.com  send your question by  Click here Last but not least you can message us on Facebook by Clicking Here

The Moment After

The Moment After

When the light go off tonight, and the sounds of the winds blow through the cracks of your window pain.

What is the one things racing endlessly through your mind tonight?

Are you feeling restless about something?

Have you begin to lay awake in the midst of your worry?  

I remember allow my thoughts to take over my every move, and I would set trapped in the compartment of my mind battling my intter thought. I remeber not being able to silence my mind, and the fear of not getting another nights rest would always linger in the back of my mind.

I would always wonder would God rescue me from the misery that I was trapped in, and it took many sleepness nights, and early mornings for me to realize that i cound not jus simply sit , and desire for God to effectly change my situation, but I had to affirm within my mind that I had to push back the thoughts that I was wrestling with.

Thoughts of ending my life, because I was damged both physically & mentally from the shame of me being raped as a young girl, and the mental abuse that I went through as a child, and as a young adult. I thought suicide was the only option. so back in (2009) I took an enormous amount of pills, and was out like i would not breath again, but much to my unfortunately surprise i woke up in the emergency room while the doctor was pumping my stomach.

I was told to drink this which was some dark substance which later on i found out it was charcol. It;s meant to consume any linger amount of pill residue that was not pumped out of my stomach. I was then placed on a 72 hour hold to be evaluated, and boy did they run a number of question my way .

i was wrestling with my own mess, and then I had to deal with a bunch of professionals throwing questions here, and there my way. I wanted to go home so bad, but they wanted to figure out a way to get me to discuss my problems what they really wanted to know is… What brought on the need for me to desire to end my life.

I didn’t open up to the staff right away until they let me know that by law they could hold me for a year, and I started to rethink of telling them my reason why I decided to take my own life. if anyone knows about angels well you have to know that demonic forces exist as well, and that night as i was home alone reeling from the pain of my present, and my past the darkness of hell came upon me, abd flooded my pathway.

The enemy coldly reminded me of all the things that negatively happened to me.

Not having my father in my life

Not being able to bond with my mother

Not being able to bare children

Not having someone to love me as I am

All these things in that moment were true, and I did not fight back because he knocked me down, and hit me where he knew it would leave a huge whole in my heart again. I follishy listen to him when he said no one loved me, but my spirit did not. If only I knew to draw from it, and fight back. But God knew in that very moment that He loved me, and that He care about my life even if I longer cared about my life.

Isn’t it funny how God wrecks our entire life without permission? I wanted my life to end, and God with out needing my say so remove the the hand of death from my life. I am eternally grateful that He did not let me go out like a punk.

I did not know back then that I’d be sharing that part of myself. But God knew, and He is always intentional with His plans, and purpose for His children. If you are facung depression, suicidual thoughts, or any dark moments pray the following prayer with me.

God,

Take me under the shaows of your healing wings, and provided reast for my weary heart. Let not my soul be troubled another night. i trust the plans that you have for me, and I am determined to see the exchange of my pain for your purpose for my life. I need you, and I desire a grater change for my life.

i pray these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Un-Carried: An Empty Womb

The Un-Carried: An Empty Womb

When I was a young girl I was sexually victimized to the point where it left me unable to conceive the normal way like any other woman. This left me feeling like I was an incomplete person I use t to look at other women that were happy healthy, and yes pregnant with little toes in their womb, and I would begin to feel that burning anger of dissatisfaction from the pit of my soul. nothing felt in place in my life because I was robbed of the innocents to make my own choices.

Here’s my backstory!

I was sexually abused from the age of 8 years old until the age of 12 years old by this monster named (T.C Martin) which at the time lived in Los Angeles CA

(1990) The first encounter of abuse went on without anything short of perverted. I remember laying on the couch, and he comes T.C he came in the house without knocking and asked if one of my older brothers were home I replied no not thinking anything of my answer to his question. He then proceeded to make his way int the doorway, and enter in our home he looked around to make sure no one else was inside with me. As he came over by the couch he cuffed me up in his arms telling me that I was going to be his little woman, and I being only 8 years old felt nothing of what he said until he starting touching me in a way that a grown man should never touch a young girl. He felt so slime, and I felt so sick it was like my spirit was watching everything that was happening to me, and I could not do anything to stop it.

 

[bctt tweet=”I felt like I was somewhere else because to my knowledge nothing about this felt normal.” username=”@mendthevow”]

 

He just did not want stop touching me. He kept saying that it was normal for this to go down, and that i could not tell anyone.

This was the first day of many that I would be left home alone with no parental supervision, and this was known by T.C this was why it was so easy for me to become his unwilling victim of sexual abuse. As the days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months the darkness came again, and again there grew a thick cloud of fear over my life. I was not the same, and I would never be the same.

 

The first sign of deep depression was at the age of 8 years old when he first placed his hands into my panties I tried to resist him, but he kept nudgging me back, and i did not have anyone to help me. I felt so low inside my spirit. I had always found solice in God but I could not even reach out because i had to keep my mind off of everything else, and run to somewhere safe in my mind.

After every unwanted touch of abuse by him, the depression came and after the years of silence, and the rape at the age of 11 years old I broke my silence at the age of 12 years old, and finally told someone. That day in (1994) was one of the best times of my life. I was finally able to breathe for myself, and I did not have him breathing the lies of fear upon my neck. the escaping from his claws were finally undone or so I thought.

 

After I turned 18 years old I move out of California to Nevada, and everything was somewhat ok in my life. I was working, and I was trying my best to live normal “whatever normal maybe.” At this time in y life, I was scheduled to go to the doctor for just a normal checkup or so I thought. The doctor runs some tests and a few weeks later I go back into the Doctors office to have them read the tears begin to flow as he read the results. You have Chlamydia, I was shocked because of what I was hearing. How? Why? and when did I possibly get this?

As I gathered my thought and turned back into life, and to what the doctor was saying he explained that Chlamydia can lay dormant for years without being detected. He then proceeds to ask me a host of questions pertaining to me being sexually active. I told him nothing about the rape because I was not comfortable, and I didn’t want his sympathy.

The Doctor read off further information on some other test and mentions that chlamydia corraded my fallopian tube, and there is not a good chance that I would be likely to carry a child to full term, or in my case at all. This really devastated me, because after all the pain that I went through as a child I still had the desire to have children. But he stoled that away as well. I received the treatment I needed and was cured by the medicine because it was curable with taking antibiotics.

 

He had this look in his eye like you did know you had this? And I explained that I did not come from a home where we routinely went to the doctor, and his the look on his face was in disbelief.

 

I was so ashamed, and so hurt by this new information I just received. I wanted to just die, but I was so young, and still want to succeed at something anything to make my life mean something to myself. I wanted to change, but I was so damaged by the cycle of abuse I just did not care about myself anymore. Fast forward to the age of me turning 21 years old (2003) I was back in California, and I move with life not moved on but just going with the flow of it. At this time in my life, I am in love with the thought of being in love. I have a man in my life, and it’s working. The year is coming to an end when ooops i find out that I am prego.

Yay right! Nope, 8 weeks into the pregnancy I find out that the baby is growing on the outside of the tube, and they immediately schedule a surgery to remove the baby. I was livid I told the Doctors that they were not going to remove my baby, and if they’d tried anything I would have my man beat them up. I was in my feelings yes but truth be told they were only trying to save my life.

I thought that life was finally being good to me, and then here comes another failed thing in my life, and to think of the thought of me overcoming all that I went through up until that point in my life. Things kept going downhill for me. I finally agreed to give the Doctors permission to operate, and things got handled.

The baby girl or baby boy that I could not carry to full term would have been 15 years old this year,

‘I didn’t realize how many women suffer from pregnancy loss in silence. We are taught not to talk about the bad.’

Source 

 

 

 

Here are some facts about Chlamydia

Chlamydia is a sexually transmitted disease. The number of new cases is steadily on the rise. The symptoms of chlamydia infection can vary in females from little or no symptoms at all to abnormal vaginal discharge, severe pelvic and abdominal pain. In males, the symptoms are more localized consisting mainly of penile discharge, pain with voiding, and occasionally, painful enlargement of the testicle.

If left untreated in the female, chlamydia can cause scarring of the uterus, tubes, and ovaries, which can cause tubal pregnancies and sterility. If left untreated in the male, scar tissue can form inside the urethra creating strictures and obstruction, and rarely, scarring of the testicle structures and infertility.

It is possible that your one friend has chlamydia even though the lab test is negative. This is because the chlamydia organism doesn’t always show up on the test, even though it may be present. It has a lot to do with the type of test and the way the specimen is collected.

Your friend who hasn’t had sex in a year could have chlamydia. Chlamydia can lie dormant in the body for extended periods of time, with little or no symptoms. This is especially true in the female.

It’s very important that both the patient and partner see a physician and get treated with antibiotics as indicated. Treatment is given if there’s a clinical suspicion on history and physical exam, or if there is a positive chlamydia test. Sometimes more than one antibiotic course is necessary to eradicate the infection, or it may crop up again.

Source

Now after all of this defeat. Do you think I’m going to just take this sitting down? no i am fight backing with the prayers Hannah to God over my womb, and you can to belows.

Hannah’s Prayer

 

“So Hannah rose up after they had eaten in Shiloh, and after they had drunk. Now Eli the priest sat upon a seat by a post of the temple of the Lord. And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the Lord, and wept sore. And she vowed a vow, and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head. And it came to pass, as she continued praying before the Lord, that Eli marked her mouth.

Now Hannah, she spake in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard: therefore Eli thought she had been drunken. And Eli said unto her, How long wilt thou be drunken? put away thy wine from thee. And Hannah answered and said, No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit: I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but have poured out my soul before the Lord. Count not thine handmaid for a daughter of Belial: for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief have I spoken hitherto.

Then Eli answered and said, Go in peace: and the God of Israel grant thee thy petition that thou hast asked of him. And she said, Let thine handmaid find grace in thy sight. So the woman went her way and did eat, and her countenance was no sadder. And they rose up in the morning early, and worshipped before the Lord, and returned, and came to their house to Ramah: and Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her.

Wherefore it came to pass, when the time was come about after Hannah had conceived, that she bare a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, Because I have asked him of the Lord. And the man Elkanah, and all his house, went up to offer unto the Lord the yearly sacrifice, and his vow. But Hannah went not up; for she said unto her husband, I will not go up until the child be weaned, and then I will bring him, that he may appear before the Lord, and there abide for ever.

And Elkanah her husband said unto her, Do what seemeth thee good; tarry until thou have weaned him; only the Lord establish his word. So the woman abode, and gave her son suck until she weaned him. And when she had weaned him, she took him up with her, with three bullocks, and one ephah of flour, and a bottle of wine, and brought him unto the house of the Lord in Shiloh: and the child was young. And they slew a bullock and brought the child to Eli. And she said, Oh my lord, as thy soul liveth, my lord, I am the woman that stood by thee here, praying unto the Lord.

Therefore also I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the Lord. And he worshipped the Lord there.”
‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭1:9-26, 28‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I pray that you will learn from my truths, and that if you are going through similar battles you are not in the fight by yourself. reach out, and e-mail hopeforthehealing@gmail.com

The Other Side Of Faith

The Other Side Of Faith

By faith I am writing this letter in hopes that you will forgive me for delaying your enter into this word. I have taken a lot of losses in my life, but you are not going to be one of them. I am going through a major restructuring of my life in order to heal from the inside out, and I am doing this first for me, and secondly so that I can be the best mom for you. When you come into my womb it will be into a new temple , and a reshaped heart that is running to the heart of the Father.

I can not want you where I can not currently give you all of my heart right now; because my focus is on healing, and to productively reduce the gernerational curse that has plegued our family for generations. I know that this journey for me will most be the most easiest, but it will be so rewardingk to look into your eyes one day, and see God heart reflecting in your eye gates.

My strength comes from wanting to enter into a new element of my life by tearing down the darkness that has captured my heart, and has stopped me from accomplishing certain things in my life, and i will not allow that to defy the rest of my life from this moment forward I promise you that i am doing everything in my power to be better in life, and as a woman that you can one day be so proud of .

You are always at the forefront of my mind, and you are always in my prayer. I can not wait to meet you, hold you, and love you to God;s heart. There is a lot in store for us to share as mother, and daughter, and the best of our lives will be shaped, and molded by God.

Love you always Mommy!

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