Divorcing The Bad Girl
i’ve been up to no good as far back from the age of twelve years old when I started dating guy that was in his twenties I told myself that I could handle it; because my abuser was around his age, and handled me. I never thought that out of something was hurting me was going to be the very thing that turned me into a top notch “Bad Girl.”
I often would think about the danger that I’d put myself in, but I never gave it a second thought because no one was watching me anyway. So there I was in my prime tender little age of growing into a young woman, but still looking like a baby in the face. I was ready for the world, and whatever came with it.
I did not know the responsibilities, and harsh demands that was coming along with this life I threw myself in. All I knew at that time of growing up was I had to have an escape plan of getting out of that mad house that I was living in. I found comfort in being in control in the spaces that I had filled in my lonely little life.
Back in nineteen ninety four I begin drinking to ease the pain of my scared heart. I would sip Gin from a babies bottle while in the back of the class. I did not care what was to become of my life all I knew was my heart was already destroyed, and there was no repairing it.
I thought about all of the things that I was not protected from
Molestation: from the age of two – six years old
Rapped at the age of eleven, and fifteen years old
Kidnapped at the age of 18 years old and held in the closet for three days because I was being human trafficked to be used as a sexual tool
Suffering emotional, and mental physical abuse.
- I always felt like pain was chasing me like some sort of magnanimous pleaded with me to always having a forgive heart, but I was not made like this. shame took over me, and I felt as thought I was being pull deeper into a dark hole, and I did not stop it from pulling me into each day that came, and went.
There was no question in my mind that I had a dark heart, a heart that did not love the way it needed to. I was traped within myself, and I did not have an escape plan. I was the diva the one that people notice because of the innocence of my young face. It got them every time. i would hang out with my young thugs in the day time, and go up the hill to huge my boo.
By the time my fifth birthday came around I was the it girl, and I was not to be messed with on no level. I had my little crew, and we just partied, and did us all day long. Life ws just that life, and all I was doing was just existing. I was popular in the crowd, and I was hustling any way that I could to stay fly in the last clothes, and in the latest shoes.
The quality of life I wkas living was a hard one. I could not get through the day without a bottle of alcohol in my hand, and a joint in the other. I was consumed with this way of life, and the back lash of some of the choices that I made often came back to slap me in the face.
No one knew of all the things that had went down in my life before I moved to the bay Area, and I wanted it to remain that way. kI did not want anyone to pity me, and I did not want to be reminded of it either. I had no emotions left in my heart, and I barely was home at this point in my life. I was fifth teen, and running the show of my entire life. My mother was barely home, so you know that was always a good thing for me; because I was able to have my boy friend over, and just spend time with him.
One day me, and my mother had the biggest fight in the world, and we both agreed that we could not live in the same house; so I got my first apartment at fifth teen, and a half. It was close to where she lived, and I was really feeling entirely overwhelmed to have this much responsibility on me. nevertheless I managed it.
I was coming into my own more, and I started getting more, and more into this life of being the bad girl. I had street credit now for some of the things that I carried out, and I has a rep to maintain even when I did not feel like I wanted to contribute to it. Me, and my girls started boosting from local clothing stores, and selling the tiems we got for a major profit.
I liked the attention I was getting from the local dope boys, and I can tell that some older man was taking an interest in me. One day I was walking down the street, and the homie stopped me to chop it up with me, and as I was about to respond to him out of no where this guy came out of the mechanic shop, and looked at me, and motioned with his hands for me to come to him. Now I did not know this man, but I kow that he wanted to spit whatever game he thought he could.
so I ended the conversation with my home boy, and I went to go see what the old head wanted. He simply asked me what I was doing out of school, and where my parents where. I was thinking to myself like! For real? he wanted to know so much about me, but said so little about himself. I really was not interested in him like that until he started speaking my lingo. he asked me if I wanted to go t othe mall, and I kew not to bite on it hella quick. I look at him, and he look at me we both paused, and I said yeah I wanted to go.
We ended up spending a short time at the mall. he thought I was going for clothes, and shoes, but I already had my wardrobe om lock; so I went for the next best thing jewelry, and not just the regular run of the mill jewelry. I wanted an expensive gold chain with a pendant. He went on, and on of why he did not want to buy it, and I was like you asked me, and a gajillion seconds later he broke bread.
What made me feel. complete back then were things, because things did not hurt me, and they could not just up, and abandon my heart. i never need a human being ro validate me or to tell me that I was worth anything. I never believed them any way. I was closed of from everyone, and I experienced some dark times back then.
What happen next in my life changed my heart for the worst again. Rico and I met when I was 20 years old, and we carried on a relationship for six years. I ended up with Rico, because he provided what at the time I thought was real love, and protection. He was a real life gang banger, thug, and was tied up in all type of things that went on in the streets. What unfolded in my life with him was him controlling me pulling knifes on me, and as well as guns, because I didn’t want to go places with him.
I went from being his loving girl friend to being his object of control. He had to know where I was at all times, and at first I looked at in as though he just loves me, and didn’t want anything to happened to me. This was not the case he wanted to know my ware a outs, because he was out there cheating on me, and didn’t want me running into him where he wasn’t suppose to be.
The major incident that made me leave the relationship was in 2006. He tried to kill me my sister and my sister two young children. I left with the clothes on my back, and never looked back. But the things is I still had all this baggage that was weighing on me, and it started to get very heavy. I tried escaping this world by committing suicide in 2009, but it wasn’t in Gods plan for my life to end that way. I was kept on a 72 hour hold in a Kentucky hospital. I never thought that I would be a the lowest point in my life.
I thought that I would have peace in death, but I was brought back to live with the demons that haunted me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know that I would ever find peace in my life in my heart or even in love. In 2011 I met the man who is now my husband. God sent him to love me. Nor just as my husband, but as a man of God.
I went thorugh so much as a young girl, and as a woman, and now I have spent the last three years breaking up with the bad version of myself.
But my turning point came when God turned my pain into my passion by taking me on a journey to share my story with the world.
Here’s how I felt, and some deeper things that happened in my past relationship.
Baring the deepest parts of yourself is very hard, but is so worth it in the end. Join me on my journey in forgiveness & leading women from brokenness to experiencing their breakthrough.
Unplugged from the world is how I always felt, because I was in trouble within my own being. I never knew how to discuss the abuse that had taken place, and all I wanted to do was hide myself in my misery; so I shut off my feelings to the world.
I never thought I could get closure of my dark past. I always sought within myself the questions of why me? Why did I have to be the one to carry out this burden to the world to share and help heal the hearts of other women when no one ever took the time to heal my broken heart. Until one day it all begin to make sense. God spoke to me, and commanded me to share my story of all that I had gone through. I am a woman who has
Surviving Childhood Molestation
Surviving Living In A Broken Home
Surviving Domestic Violence
Why I created this platform:
mendthevow.com is a platform where I will keep it real, raw and deal with relevant women issues and help inspire you to heal from your past. She will push you past any Excuses and transcend you right into ACTION. my belief is “Life Is About Growing As A Woman” so I have not only made changes in her own life so she would lead by example but she also gives you weekly insight to her past by sharing how she defeated her fears of her dark past. I have a a humble spirit and I give sisterly love as I support women during their time of healing from their past.
I have a desire to make a difference to the the people that are willing to make a difference with themselves by offering her dedication, ethics, experience, and insight. Her diverse history of leadership is an advantage to her clients. My clients will receive the advantages of her knowledge and skills in counseling , communication, how to management your life,Life marketing decisions, organization, research. I know first hand what it takes to be a professional and I am familiar with the latest techniques and counseling and communication concepts.
My mission is to teach women how to Break Down The Walls they have build up within themselves from past relationships of abuse and filter their minds with love and strength within their selves. So they can begin to live a life they love. I teach powerful yet practical strategies for overcoming mental, emotional, spiritual, and relational dramas…creating space to increase self-confidence. my real attitude, positive outlook, and authenticity have caught the attention and hearts of women from all walks of life.
No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, And their righteousness is from Me, Says the Lord. (Isaiah 54:17)
Here’s more of my testimony of me coming of of that old life I use to live.
I never thought I would be here living out my purpose for God. There was once a time in my life when I turned my back on God for allowing all the horrendous things in my life to take place.
Growing up, life wasn’t as rosy for me as it might have been for others. I grew up in Los Angeles, CA with parents in the home, but they weren’t very present in my life.
I had to literally raise myself from a young age. I was sexually abused and left to live in this world with the painful scars of the after math that my abusers left on my body.
I used to cry myself to sleep, and wonder why was it my life’s purpose to be mistreated, and unwanted by my own mother. I wandered through life drained.
I latched on emotionally to a guy I ended up being with for six years. I actually thought I needed to be with him. He mistreated me and tried to take my life, but God would not allow it to happen.
I found myself shifting in and out of suicidal thoughts, until one day in 2009 it became my reality. I got so fed up with my reckless life that I ended up taking 60 pills. As I consumed each pill I thought that I was surely going to be free from the hurt and cares of this world.
As I woke up the next morning, I was in the hospital on a 72 hour hold for observation. They ran test and after being admitted there for two weeks, I was finally released.
I began to do some deep soul searching as I began to look over my life and all the things that I had gone through. I then realized I was mad at the wrong person. God meant me no harm. It was the devil that tried to wreck my life because he knew something I didn’t even know about myself. He knew that I had a calling on my life and that God would use me for His glory.
I thank God and praise God today that 7 years later I am using what the devil thought would break me, to glorify God. God has blessed me with the opportunity to share my life journey with other women.
When I wanted to shut myself off from God, my faith stood up and reminded me of God’s everlasting love. It allowed me to see that the darkness of life can surely be turned into beauty for ashes.
It took a substantial amount of time as well as healing just to be able to stand firm on God’s word and share my story.
Brokenness is only, but for a moment and God can repair your broken heart. You only have to allow Him to come into your heart fully. Do this and He’ll guide your foot steps to where only He can lead you. Every time I look at my life and wonder how I made it over the years, I can’t do nothing but praise God!
I am so thankful to God for not leaving me where my sins directed me to go deep in that dark place. my heart is full every time I see myself a little more healed day by day.
Are you ready to divoce the bad girl that keeps on forcing you to live beneath yourself?
Here’s what you have to do
- Step away for the circle that badly infulence your decision.
- Make preparation to spend some alone time with God.
- Get rid of that old negative mindset.
- Make plans to pull back the layers of who you are.
- Do not compromise from becoming the new version of yourself no matter how difficult the journey becomes.
- Learn to pray over yourself.
- Make time daily for self care.
- You have to break up with sin, and fall in love with Jesus. You won’t regret it.
- Personalize time to journal your thought daily.
- Realize that your story matter wo women who need to be set free.
Nothing in the world can stop you from becoming the woman that God has created you to be, but yourself. Stop neglecting your pain, and startign healing, and forgive. It is never too late to free your heart from the past that keeps trying to dim your light.
Be encouraged my sisters in Christ, and know that He is able to keep you from falling if you open up your heart to Him, and listen to His instructions for your life. Nothing is without purpose in your life, not your smile, not your laughter, and not the things that have brought you to this point in life. you are enough, you are a blessing from God, and you will mend you life back together in time.