From Rejected, to Received
I grew up in a small, rural town called Massillon, Ohio; also known as “Tiger Town USA”. I am the oldest, and the only girl, out of four brothers. I was told I was born three weeks past my due date, to a young seventeen-year-old teenage mother. By the age of two, I had a near-death experience. While at my grandmother’s house; I was in my walker, and someone left the basement door open. House’s back then was really brick and mortar.
The first three steps were wood; but the last ten were cement, as well as the basement. I was in a coma for a week, and in the hospital for over three weeks. Assassination attempt number one = kill her in her infancy … Incomplete!
I grew up in a two-parent home; my dad (He is really my step-dad, but he married my mom when I was six, and the ONLY father/dad I have known!!) and my mom both worked jobs. We were labeled as a “middle class working for family”. I got plenty of whoopings; had what I needed and some of what I wanted. My social life was non-existent, and I was very sheltered. I went to church and Sunday school every Sunday; whether my parents went or not.
In all of that, I was still made fun of; deemed the ‘black sheep” of my entire family (including my aunts, uncles, cousins, and distant cousins), and rejected because of jealousy. Assassination attempt number two = set up rejection in her life … Completed.
All that I have NOT been through; rejection was an undetected seed that was set in and set up in my life for me to keep chasing an illusion of acceptance. Rejection is the act of pushing someone or something away. To some, rejection is a minor thing. But to those of us who have experienced it; or are currently experiencing it; experiencing rejection and don’t understand why it is happening, or that is happening… it is very traumatic.
I dare not compare this trauma to any other trauma because it wouldn’t be fair to their reality or truth. Being rejected has caused me to second guess people’s motives; compare myself to others; compare my walk with other’s Christian walk; compare my accomplishments with other’s accomplishments; and even question God’s love!
Rejection impeded my appointment to walk in my pre-ordained, God-given purpose. I was on a wild goose chase, looking for Love in All the wrong places. I didn’t have the nurturing in my womanhood, so I looked to many other people along with many other things, just to be accepted. I can remember I started smoking cigarettes, and drinking to get drunk while in college; just to be accepted into the ‘in-crowd’. Little did I know, the same people I was looking for acceptance from, were passing their classes; while I flunked out my sophomore year.
Because I was the first in my age group, in my family to go to college, when I flunked out; I was Really talked about and rejected even more!! I started partying and hanging out six to seven days a week! In the midst of partying, I met my second real boyfriend; who was also a crack dealer; who soon became very abusive. This guy was my second boyfriend; and my first abuser; and I stayed with as long as I did, because, in my mind, the negative attention was better than none at all!! Rejection causes false acceptance because real love was never discovered.
The second assassination attempt was successful because it was never meant to explode at that moment. It was a time-released bomb, created to release its poison over time; most of the poison would be released during times of extreme vulnerability! The spirit of rejection is one that is very subtle and never recognized while it is infiltrating one’s life. In my case, it would have never been a factor if I didn’t have a purpose in my life.
The purpose is birthed by the pain that propels us to God in the first place. For some it’s molestation; abandonment; or rape; but the rejection was chasing me down, and thriving in every pitfall and every temporary victory I had in my life until I got tired of running. It just wasn’t that easy!!
The spirit of rejection became an invisible driving force that drove me to a world of money, sex, and drugs, most people only read about or watch in a movie. After breaking free from my second real boyfriend, I moved back with my grandmother. By now my mom and dad were divorced; twice, and my mom relocated to Pittsburg with her new husband. Every lesson I was taught; values instilled while growing up; and lessons I learned in school had already gone clean out the window. I basically did what I wanted at my grandmother’s house, while my aunts and uncles acknowledged me, but were too busy doing their own thing and living their lives.
I got a part-time job and decided I was going to get away from Massillon and relocate to Georgia! I didn’t know a soul in Georgia; I just heard about the city of Atlanta because a childhood friend of mine used to go there to visit family with her family. The only other thing I knew about Atlanta, was the infamous child murders. I would literally watch the weather channel to follow the weather and get excited about moving there. Because of being driven by the spirit of rejection, I took risks; chances; and did things that would surely have my family look at me wide-eyed.
As I am writing, I realize I started experimenting with drugs and having illicit sex long before I got to Atlanta. I was involved with these bigtime dope dealers called the “Detroit Boys”. They had moved in up the street from my grandmother. I would always walk to my aunt’s house, and I passed the “Detroit Boy’s” house before I got to my aunt’s house. I wasn’t really involved with anyone except the guy I lost my virginity to, but we weren’t an official couple. So, when one of them showed interest in me, I started to hang out at with him and his boys; not concerned about the danger I was in.
These folks brought big dope into the city and made lots of money. I hung with them from city to city and from drug house to drug house. One drug house would wait sometimes, there was an older lady who was a crackhead; and she would hold dope for them from time to time. I smoked plenty of weed with my friend, and we got so close, he shared his secret of lacing his blunts with crack cocaine!
I thought people smoked it on a pipe. He passed the laced blunt to me to take, and I took it and pulled it like I normally did when he passed it any other time.
Now, looking back in retrospect, because of the seed of rejection that was planted long ago in my childhood, I didn’t understand, and neither could I discern the assassination tactics the enemy used with the spirit of rejection to set me up for failure and unconsciously abort the God-ordained purpose for my life!
I finally moved to Atlanta, unaware to my family. MYYYYYYYY LORDDDD Jesus!! I just thought about I could have been killed or anything, and no one would have known who I was, because none of my family knew I planned to move to Atlanta, Ga; much less do it! I traveled to Atlanta on Greyhound. So, I ended up getting off in Hapeville, Ga instead of the main bus terminal which is in downtown Atlanta. I found a hotel not too far from the bus stop and paid for an entire week. I was in the middle of the jungle, and I was “green as the grass” and looked like it too.
Low and behold I am in the middle of a drug trap also known as the “trap”. My money ran out and I still hadn’t found a job. One day I was at the front desk and this guy I had been seeing throughout the halls from time to time; stopped to pay his room and asked how I was doing. His name was “Big Red” and from what I heard; he had the hotel “sowed” up. Mind you, from all of the basic rejection; rejection because I was darker in complexion; I was a little thicker than the average; anytime I received a compliment or attention from the opposite sex, I would usually blush from embarrassment.
My innocence; or me being naïve; was a seemingly attractive feature to the southern men! Before long, Big Red moved into my room and slept there; while the other rooms he had, slang dope out of them. Not only did Big Red sleep in my room, but he also cut up dope; counted his money; and had his workers check-in with him there from time to time. Again, I still had no idea how much danger I was constantly in with all of these things going on around me!! Big Red took Very good care of me, but he also had lots of other women; and I later found out he was snorting cocaine!!
I didn’t understand how he would send me to go shopping; I would get back and he would be mad because I was gone too long, and he would smack me around. I moved from place to place with Big Red. Sometimes he would be gone for days and he would come back as if he was gone for an hour or two. I soon got tired of moving from pillar to post with Big Red; the hotels got slimmer and slimmer and drug-infested. I realized early that I had the gift of knowing how to get back somewhere once I have been there once.
I waited until he gave me money to go shopping again since it was his pattern to be gone for days; he would come back call himself apologizing by giving money to go buy something nice, and then smack me around when I got back for being gone too long … This time I wasn’t going back to him; I was running for my life!
What I wrote about in the above paragraphs was just the introduction to how the spirit of rejection drove me to do things for acceptance; run to places for acceptance, and allow myself to be mistreated for acceptance.
I mentioned money, sex, and drugs because I was living that life of fast money, prostitution, and gang life. From jail to prison; to crack cocaine addiction; to a seven-year volatile, abusive relationship; rejection caused me to experience things I know I shouldn’t have been a part of … But God!! Even though my assassinator’s name was the spirit of rejection; if you have a purpose on your life, I promise you can look back over your life and identify your assassinator or his weapon of choice he used to by order of satan; to rid the earth of your unique gifting/talent/quality that only you can release here in the earth realm. We ALL have a purpose and a job to do here on earth. Sadly enough, the enemy works overtime to assassinate us in our infancy.
I pray that I have encouraged one woman to pay attention to what she’s doing with her life. If I had known I was running away from purpose because of rejection; I know for a FACT I wouldn’t have wasted so much time looking for acceptance and let purpose catch me! God knows the way that we should take! We can’t allow guilt and shame to keep us from telling our story. We CAN NOT keep silent!! Our story is someone else’s breakthrough!!