How Did I End Up Back Here?
No one knows how it feels to be stuck in the same cycle of pain that feels like it is never going to come to an end. I know this season in my life all to well because it stays on repeat, and when I feel like it is about to come to a complete end it stirs up all over again, and it get to a deeper level of pain that barries me deeper into the pit of darkness.
– Jereè Founder Of Mend The Vow
The night of the sorrow showed up again when that old lonely feeling came creeping back into my life, and I did not want to feel that sting of rejection that always happens when I give into someone that I know is going to eventually tear my heart into a million piece. How do I get use to being alone, and not feeling lonely? How so I celebrate myself in my single season?
There has been times in my life where I thought I was going in the right direction, and there have been other times where I just did what I chose to do, and ended up paying for it horribly. I have to admit if the things I knew now at the age of 37 years old I would pull on this information, and shove it down my 20 smoething year old self. But I know that this is impossible, and that whatever I have gone threw, and will kgo through is just another lesson for me to learn, and to not repeat ever again in my life.
To those of you that are battling your yes to God i want to encourage you to just surrender to the things that He is telling you to do. I do not want you to have to suffer the things that I went threw by not obeying God the first time, and or even the second time.
I know that there was always a choice in what I was doing in my life, and while I was in the deepest part of sin in my life I was enjoying every moment of it; because I was so broken to where I thought to myself that I could just do what I wanted, and still make up my mind one day to get it right with God; but things that made me good in my body were the very same things that corrupted my mind, and my sanity while I was inlvolved in it. I remember not being able to pray half the time that I was in sin, and the fact that I was not fighting like I knew I should to get back to the throne of grace.
i was not fully aware of how things were going to turn out in my life because of all the bad things that I allowed myself to partake in. I now relaize the more involved i was in sexual deeds with the guy that I was with made it more strange for me to even care about praying to God. It is like something was smoothering my voice, All I remember at this time of my life back in the summer of 2019 I feel into a deep depression, and I even had thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore. Not that I wanted to take my life; but more of I wanted God just to release me from the empty placke that my heart was in.
The things that took place in my life this year really had me feeling like I was never going to rise back up in God, and or in my purpose; but I know now that this was nothing but the guilt that I was feeling becuase of the adultery that I was in. I am currently going through a divorce, and it is mutual, but I was not the one that had the affair, but it does not matter because even though I participated in the act after was were separated for more than a year God still looks at this action as a sin see Deuteronomy 5:18
The shift came when I started to speak over myself even while I was in the state of sin I begin to speak myself out of it by talking to God a little but at a time, and after sometime went by I started to lock myself in the bathroom, and cry, and pray until that all i could do just to feel a sense of peace. There was no where for me to go I was in a complete state of misery. The only thing I would do was lay in bed on most days in sin, and watch television, sleep the day away while feeding my body what it needed a the time sex. The mistakes that I made begin to feel my heart, and I would take to friends about what I was going through, and they would give me some raw advice, and I just knew that I was not going to sit in this dark place for much ;onger because I started to tell people my faults.