How My Storm Turned Into My Serenity
the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.
“an oasis of serenity amidst the bustling city”
Not all stories are the same, and not all stories have a happy ending. This is the unfortunate phase that most women experience because there is not one light that is on spiritually in their life, and this has to be the saddest thing to know. I have been on this present journey for 4 years of sharing my story while being transformed to one level to the next I look back on where God has truly brought me from in the dirtiness of the stained past of darkness.The Rejection
Where do I even begin to tell you of the things that I’ve been through in my lifetime? My first memory of pain was not having a relationship with my mother, and I felt it at the tender age of 4 years old how distance she was from me but would cling to other children in the church I could never understand it but I felt it, and I did not like what my mind, heart, and spirit was encountering.
Here are some mother wounds I suffered from in my life.
- Never knowing a mother’s love was something that always made me question why was I chose to be birth into this earth, and why my life was turned into a series of events due to the misleading of my heart not being able to experience a non-dysfunctional I grew a relationship with the woman who gave birth to me.
- I grew up speaking negativity from my life of how I did not do women because all of them in my mind were shady and selfish, and self preserved for their own cause in life.
- While growing up I never knew what it was like to have a close female friend because of the distance that I placed around my heart, and I knew not to allow anyone to get close to me because of what I had experienced in my own life, and just by what I see females do while I was growing up in shady Los Angeles CA.
- I remember experiencing conflict in jr high school, and instead of me just walking away I would just dare someone to try me. I was a whole rebel, loner, and self-destructing adolescent.
I want to speak to the women that have the sting of rejection from their mom! I never thought that anything could come out of me, and my mother nonexistent relationship but let me tell you the obedience that God transitioned my life in when it comes to abiding in Him to serve and help my mom in the smallest ways has not been the easiest things for me to accept when I was not the one that injured my heart. But I had to remember what I prayed for even when it seemed like doubt was going to set in.
I cried out to God a few months ago, and I asked Him to bring me, and my mother closer together, and I did not place any stipulations of how He was to do it. Time went by with some instructions given, and some wear and tear on my heart. I stopped and started again with what God told me to do concerning my mother, There are some specific things that God may place on your heart to do for your mother, and it might be a struggle for you to accept at the beginning of it all but can I tell you that if you decide to trust God, and not lean on your own understanding things will flow beautifully even through the tears that you cry while executing the instructions given by the Father.
Here’s the perfect person to display as a servant serving, and then in his serving God introduces Himself.
Samuel worked under Eli in the service of the shrine at Shiloh. One night, Samuel heard a voice calling his name.
The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple of the LORD,
where the ark of God was. Then the LORD called Samuel
Read Scripture Reference: 1 Samuel 1:21-2:26
Nothing ever felt right between my mom and myself. I've always felt a distance even when I desired closeness with her she never unarmed her heart to me. Jereè Speaks - Founder of Mend The Vow Click To Tweet
Let’s talk about pain. Press play
The trauma of pain did not go away it only got stronger in my life as I suppressed it with alcohol and marijuana.
From the age 0f 12 years old I began to drink my sorrows away, and I also began dating a grown man which was 13 years my senior. I disclosed my age to him, and shockingly he was unbothered by it as it was not his first time messing with a preteen.
I did not know myself or the mere fact of the love that God had resting in His heart for me. I would sneak out the house, and sometimes just boldly walk out the front door just to escape the pain.
For everything that you may have experienced in your life, I’m pretty sure any woman can relate or know someone that has some matching similarities in my story. I want to encourage your heart tonight wherever you may be tonight reading this blog post “Your Story Literally Matters To Me.”
Telling your story helps you make sense of your life — why certain events happened the way they did. You begin to examine what has happened to and through you. You begin to make sense of who you are. … If we’re going to be changed by it, you need to tell your story well.
I had to face the reality of sharing my story but also the parts that I knew revisiting that were going to break me down.
Baring the deepest parts of yourself is very hard, but is so worth it in the end. Join me on my journey in forgiveness & leading womens back to the heart of God & to the heart of their husbands.
Unplugged from the world is how I always felt because I was in trouble within my own being. I never knew how to discuss the abuse that had taken place, and all I wanted to do was hide in my misery, so I shut off my feelings to the world. I never thought I could get closure of my dark past. I always sought within myself the questions of why me? Why did I have to be the one to carry out this burden to the world to share and help heal the hearts of other women when no one ever took the time to heal my broken heart? Until one day it all begins to make sense. God spoke to me and commanded me to share my story of all that I had gone through. I am a woman who has
Survived Childhood Molestation
Survived Living In A Broken Home
Survived Domestic Violence
Who am I?
I remember asking myself this on yesterday as I was in church yesterday. Jeree who are you? And it’s like my spirit went numb, because I started to relive somethings that I didn’t like about my mother, and how I wanted her out of my life once and for all. I told myself on yesterday that today was going to be the last day that I would ever step foot in her church, and once time went on I allowed myself to consider the option of totally exiting my mother out of my life for good.
So Again I had to ask myself. Who am I?
I am the daughter of a mother that gave me to the streets before I even had a chance. See my mother really didn’t care what happened to me or my soul because she was busy running now from church to church trying to find a place to belong, because on the inside she was broken, and hurting on the inside from things that happened in her past which I never knew until I got older. I am the daughter of a mother who came up in a strange way. Her great grandmother committed suicide, because my great grandfather’s girlfriend poisoned my great grandmother’s child, and the child died in my great grandmother’s arms. A few days later my grandmother was committed to a mental institution because she didn’t know how to handle the loss of her newborn dying in her arms.
There was no one there to provide a shoulder to lean on and a heart to understand. My mothers mom fell into a series of unfair marriages and side relationships. She sought attention from men in order to fill comforted, and in turn she gained money, and other expensive items from the men that were in her life. My mother was rape by two of her brothers, and reported the incidents to my grandmother, but all was said was girl I don’t want to hear that. So the damage of emotional scars stil lingered in my mothers heart. By the time my mother was 13 years old she was pregnant with a set of twins from my father, but she lost them due to being abused for being promiscuous. Two years later she ended pregnant again with my eldest sister. This is when all of the on going emotional, and psychological abuse started at the hands of my father. She stayed with him from 1972 – 1996. I have seen my mother get kicked by my farther, and slapped in the face just because she asked him could she go see waiting to exhale with her sisters in Christ.
I never looked at how my mother’s upbringing affected how she would raise not only me but the rest of her children. My upbringing was very dark and unloving. My mother would beat us from sun up to sun down whenever my father wasn’t in the picture because he would always be in jail due to his criminal activity in the streets he hung out in. She would make us pay for the things that he did to her, and she didn’t like the fact that he treated us somewhat well when he was home. When my father was in the picture he would at least make sure that we all had food on the table, and decent clothes to wear to school. Now, as far as my mother she wouldn’t feed us because this was another form of punishment that she inflicted upon us. She would go out to expensive restaurants with her pastor, and would bring us day old salad and toss it on the floor, and say are y’all hungry? I was 11 years old when she did this and seeing how careless she was with not having to care for her children lead to me being raped in that very house that we lived in. I can recall that night so well. The year was 1994, and I can remember being woke out of my sleep and being carried to the bathroom by my brother’s friend. He laid me on that clod floor and raped me.
This was his gateway of conquering what he started 5 years before. He started molesting me from the age of 7 – 12 years old. He made me do some unspeakable things, and I held them in for years. Finally at the age of 12 years old I released the secret that he forced me to keep for so long. One night I confided in one of my brothers, and he confronted him, and they fought. My mother ended up kicking all of her children out, and allowing the man that sexually abused me to remain living with her.
I knew that she had to have had some kind of sexual relationship with my abuser. In that same year of 1994, my mom ended up dragging us to the Bay Area where I became more involved with an older man that was 13 years my senior because I needed a familiar attachment that my abuser gave me. I was entangled in what I had found was soul ties that were trying to draw me back to my abuser. I became consumed with weed, and alcohol at the age of 12 years old. I went from being a down to earth young lady to a full-fledged grown woman at 12 years old.
I was stuck in a dark place for many years, and I never got any help from what I had gone through; so the weed & alcohol provided numbness to everything that took place in my life. At the age of 15 I got into a serious relation with a man that was 20 years old, and I want to have a child so badly, because I had something to prove to my mother. I want to show her that I could be and do better than you as a parent, but it was revealed that I could not conceive do to the fact of my rape. My body wasn’t fully developed, and when he raped me he crushed my insides, and left me barren. He also gave me a sexually transmitted diseases which thank God in heaven that was curable. Years past by, and I just started living a dangerous lifestyle. I got into this heavy relationship with this guy name Rico.
Rico and I met when I was 20 years old, and we carried on a relationship for six years. I ended up with Rico because he provided what at the time I thought was real love, and protection. He was a real-life gang banger, thug, and was tied up in all types of things that went on in the streets. What unfolded in my life with him was him controlling me pulling knives on me, and as well as guns, because I didn’t want to go places with him. I went from being his loving girlfriend to being his object of control. He had to know where I was at all times, and at first, I looked at in as though he just loves me, and didn’t want anything to happened to me. This was not the case he wanted to know my whereabouts, because he was out there cheating on me, and didn’t want me running into him where he wasn’t supposed to be. The major incident that made me leave the relationship was in 2006.
He tried to kill me my sister and my sister two young children. I left with the clothes on my back, and never looked back. But the things is I still had all this baggage that was weighing on me, and it started to get very heavy. I tried escaping this world by committing suicide in 2009, but it wasn’t in Gods plan for my life to end that way. I was kept on a 72 hour hold in a Kentucky hospital. I never thought that I would be a the lowest point in my life. I thought that I would have peace in death, but I was brought back to live with the demons that haunted me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know that I would ever find peace in my life in my heart or even in love. In 2011 I met the man who is now my husband. God sent him to love me. Nor just as my husband, but as a man of God.
30 years of hell I endured, and God sent him to my rescue. Now I didn’t even want to. man, I wasn’t even thinking about getting married, because my marriage before him didn’t work out. I spent years and years in this she’ll even after I got married to the man which is the love of my life. I praise God for him, because he challenged me to fight my issues, and not just suppressed them. He told me that this isn’t how you’re going to leave your life. You’re going to get to the bottom of your fears, and deal with them head-on. Boy did he challenged me in love. I was the worst communicator when we first met, and he was really mad about it, but he never did anything, but love me back to life. He is part of the reason that I share my story to heal women that are still facing most or even all of the issues that I have dealt with. Today I am a loving wife that is dealing with overcoming years of mental and physical abuse. But God gave me the will, and the call to do this work of helping women overcome what their past has subjected them to.
The story of my youth and most of my adult hood has shaped me into what I thought I would be for the rest of my life. But I can now see that gods purpose has always been what I am meant to do. Now I challenge each person that is coming in contact with is blog post to ignite a blazing fire in your heart, and in your mouth to have the courage to share your journey with me. I want to hear about your story, and what help you’re seeking or will seek in the present future. I am always here for the lost, and broken women. I share your hurt, and I share your voice. I’’ speak for you until you find your voice. Healing won’t come unless you stand up look in the mirror and tell your past to get out of your way.
Here’s my advice to you.
You have to forgive the people that caused you pain, and most importantly you have to forgive yourself. You have to be open to deal with painful issues in order to heal from your past. It has taken me over 30 plus years to reach this point in my adult life. I had to be wise, and learn how to forgive little by little, and when I started to make progress it felt life this mountain as beginning to remove its -self out of my way.
Stop living in your past life. Stop hurting over the things that have happened. Learn to love you, and when you develop a relationship with God talk to him. Ask him how to heal your heart. Pray for self strength, because the length will be long, but so worth the journey to your healing place. Nothing will ever hurt you again, because once you give it to God and your take back your power God becomes your protector. Bible reading
To open their eyes, and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of sat an unto God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins, and inheritance among them which are sanctified by faith that is in me.
I gained my wings when I started to listen to the voice of God and denied the voice of the enemy even when things got to close for comfort I still had to remember that I was the hurt woman that used to depend on the substance to get me through a dark moment in my life. I had to cry it out and birthed it out in order to speak the story that shaped me into the woman that I see looking back in the mirror at me.
Here are the points of serenity that I’ve noticed that I hold fast to in my daily life.
- I finally crossed over from pain to prevailing in the storm that I almost drowned in.
- I finally disarmed satan’s lied from my ears gates
- I finally gave my worries to God and trusted Him to handle them fully
- I finally started to catch the waves in the storm and danced
- I finally accepted the abuse was not my fault
- I finally encounter myself as a woman, and not as a little sacred girl
- I finally freed my heart of all the disruptive behavior
- I finally received love from myself
- I finally begin to heal from a totally different state of mind
- I finally reached the forgiveness lane
- I finally realized that the meaning of victory is a daily acceptance one must take on
1. Where do peace and tranquility show up? Peace shows up in our hearts. Tranquility is quiet within that gives us access to our higher selves. By tapping into the quiet of our hearts, we experience space, flow, and possibility – core ingredients that help us to live peacefully.
Other places that peace shows up is in our physical space, our relationships, and in our spirituality. We find peace in the purpose of our lives and we experience peace in our careers. Additionally, we experience peace in our families and in our communities. We find peace in our communication and in who and how we are.
2. Is serenity the absence of conflict, or is it a state of mind (and being) unto itself? If peace and serenity are some-thing more than the absence of conflict, what is it? What are the core ingredients of peace? What qualities help to generate peace — both internal tranquility as well as peace between adversaries?
3. Is serenity maintainable over time? If our lives are in a constant state of flux and forward momentum, how do we maintain our composure and equilibrium? How does one live from one’s center when there are constant obstacles coming our way and which serve to keep us off balance, and which destabilize us? How does one live in tranquility when the flux is all around?
4. Is it possible to orient one’s self and life around the quality of serenity?If so, what commitment would you need to make in order to do so? What would this look like? How would your life look or be different?
5. What is your experience of serenity? When was the last time you paid attention to peace and tranquility, and your experience of it? What’s not conscious is often elusive. Focus on the quality and the role of peace in your life in order to increase it.
6. What elements contribute to the creation of continued peace and tranquility? If we understand what contributes to the creation of peace and tranquility, we’ll be better equipped to generate it in the future. We’ll be able to summon the creation of peace through conscious thought and action.
7. Is peace quantifiable? We count the wars between nations, but do we count or appreciate the days of peace? We name and count our adversaries, but take for granted our friends and loved ones. How do we quantify something we all too often take for granted?
8. What does inner serenity provide us access to? If peace is the gateway to a higher state of being, such as love, compassion, and gratitude, how can we harness the power of peace and utilize it for the betterment of our lives? If peace provides us access to choice, opportunities, and possibility, how can we build upon the foundational elements that generate growth built upon peace? What DOES peace provides us access to?
9. Does tranquility live anywhere but the present? We might build upon the past and we might use our vision for the future as a source of inspiration, but tranquility exists only in the present moment. Understand this profound but simple concept and transformation becomes possible! Each moment becomes a new opportunity to create peace and harmony.
10. Can peace and tranquility live without compassion? Compassion is an underlying tenet of peace. “Compassion is the sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary) While our motivation to seek peace might not always emerge from compassion, compassion is required for peace to hold.