I Don”t Even Recongnize Myself Anymore Part 1
i’ve been fighting getting back on this blog to write, and honestly at times i reeally wanted to shut it down. Lately i have been fighting to stay afloat to keep my sanity. I cannot rememberers the last time i felt peace in my life, and I cannot tell you the last time hope was near.
I have done somlethings that has been way outside of my character, and i have allowed myself to taste sin within my marriage. Am I ashamed? At first I was not because it was not my intent to go there with this guy, but the more time I spent with himk to more comfortable I allowed myself to be with him.
I would wait until late at night to go park my car , and to jump in his ride. I would allow him to kiss me, and take control of my body. i literally had to resist him just to not go all the way, and when i say the struggle was definitely real I am saying this was even an understatement. I faced a lot of difficult things in these last three months than I ever have in my life.
Back in February I was going through finanical struggles, and there were many things that were on the line, and as I was fasting it out, and praying it out i found myself really growing deeper in God without wavering in anything that i had before Him.
There were many days where i was praying until I fell asleep in worship. i would get up pray, fast through the day, and go to work not affected by the strom that I was going through. where the which came in at was when my husband FaceTime me while I was at the denist in the chair. I immediately got out the chair, and headed to my car to see what he wanted, because it had been months since i heard from him, or even seen his face.
i thought he was about to give me some good news about him coming home; but the only words that were forming out of his mouth were about still desiring a divorce. I instantly felt mad, and disappointment at the same time. i told him that was not what I expected to hear, and i clearly asked him out of the blue was he living with another woman, and he said no. I knew that was a lie, because The Holy Ghost showed me while me, and my husband were in conversation.
After he denied it once i left it alone , and he continued chatting about what needed to get done, and coming to gather the rest of his belongings from our place. I thought to myself okay this is something that is really going to happen. As the call ended I got out of my car, and headed back into the inside to talk to the receptionist to recschedule my appointment. I was really lost, confused, and just wondering what else could go wrong.
I went home, and I begin to intercede on behalf of my marriage, and I was in tears; because I know what God told me concerninkg my marriage. All hope was failing, and there was no life left inside of my marriage. As the month of February was half way to the ending line I get a phone call from my husband at 1 am informing me that one of my favorite people in this entire world had possibly passed away. I was really in disbelief, and I did not know how to feel. This was a person that extended nothing but unconditional love to me from the first day i entered into the family, and now he was no longer here on earth.
i did not know how to reach out to console my husband; so i just froze up, and boy did that back fire on me. He blaimed me for not reaching out when he shut me out of his life for so long I did not knowi how to reconnect with him. so i was just merely getting through the things that i was going through in my marriage, and in my own personal life. This is the thing some people forget thing emotional state they have left you in, and for my husband he forgot how he left my heart in a wreckless state.
When love is not important in a marriage anymore the hinges come unloose, and the many comparisons begin to happen. What does she do for him that i did not do, and what does he see in her that he stop seeing in me. This played in my mind for a while, and i had to not think of it anymore, because it was going to drive me insane. He ended up coming over to talk, and he broke down, and so did I at this time we were both on some other stuff I was in the process of trying to find money to pay the rent, and he was on some distant lover type stuff.
The essence of my heart changed. I went from (Anita baker) giving him the best that I got to conforming to (Usher) I am ready to sign them papers. Hey this is the me now that he turned me into. He thought that i would always be here in a relationship form for every time he would go out, and cheat i would wait for him to come home so we could reconcile our marriage, but this gets tiring. he has always used the excuse of not being able to live his life because he grew up with having to raise him siblings. And………………? What does the measure of cheating has to do with me?
so yeah right now i has a huge chip on my shoulder, and I am not adjusting it anytime soon. I feel very besides myself, because i do not like feeling this way. I cannot pray like i use to, and i often feel disconnected from God. i’m currently feeling like I am not thriving in the Kingdom as I should be. I feel as though I am just breathing, and silently crying for my husband, but the other side of me is just like do not allow yourself to think about him, and or even focus on the thought of getting back with him.
A moment of transparency!
Lately I’ve been struggling with waiting it out! I’ve been in a place where nothing else isn’t working in my marriage I’ve prayed until I couldn’t pray anymore & I’ve cried so hard to the point where I couldn’t get of bed for days on end.
I’ve tossed and, turned until sleep could not be found! I got prophetic prophecies that God will restore my marriage! But I’ve grow tired of waiting. I knowing that divorce could be a better option because he’s moved on, and I’m holding on to a piece of paper..
This isn’t a plea for sympathy or attention I promised myself that no matter how hard the journey got I would always remain as transparent as I could to help other women that maybe struggle in this area or remotely similar to it.
Well here are the current facts he’s living with another woman & he’s living his life without me, without communicating any signs of reconciliation to our marriage, and the fact of the matter is I’m out here looking like boo boo the fool because I still desire him, I still desire to be his wife.
I’m desperately holding on to what God said, but I’m tip toeing on other roads that I shouldn’t be walking on, and I know that God isn’t pleased! I feel guilty, confused, and I feel like he’s doing him!!! Lord why can’t I do me? Simply because I belong to God, and my husband isn’t walking in God’s will right now, and I know someone has to fight or drown & with everything filtering in my mind right now like confusion, resentment, anger ect,
I ultimately want God’s will for my entire life & marriage and not a thing less; so I choose to calm my mind & fast, pray and stand for my marriage until God does a great work in restoring all things in my marriage.
Mistakes happen right?
God does not live in our feelings. He lives within our spirit. The way to freedom is by worshiping Him in spirit & in truth! I’m so off track right now & it’s really hard to see the path to the road i use to be on called purpose! Ultimately I can’t address certain things in my life; all because I refuse to it hurts to bad to say I failed as a wife. I often wonder did I do everything right, or did I allow my feeling to over shadow what God spoke to me concerning the promise of my marriage? Back in March I got got tied up with this guy we’ll call him Casanova because he said all the right things! You know the enemy sends you what you like, but the bottom line is whether you entertain what he sends your way
We all have free will out here or do we? There comes a time where I know I’ll have to release this relationship with Casanova! I don’t know how to influence myself from him our conversation last we have, and I mean our convos last for hours on end. The void he’s not feeling is crucial, but the attention is the substitute! There’s a saying the grass ain’t greener on the other side, and I agree wholeheartedly because all I want is Mr. Black
Please continue to send your prayers my way because they are desperately needed! The enemy loves to see marriages fail! I know without a doubt that God divinely placed this marriage together, but at this moment in time it’s very hard for me to see it because of all that has transpired. My will to hold on for dear life to my marriage has come apart, and I need to just focus on me, and solely allow God to do what He needs to do in my marriage! Jesus please take this wheel & redirect us where you called us to be
A word of encouragement
Hey Ladies! What challenges are you currently facing in your marriage?
Are you more focused on his faults or the way he’s not doing what you want him to do when you want him to do it?
Well let me stop you right there. You’re not his mother but your his wife & if the alignment of God’s promises is not prevailing in your marriage than maybe it’s time for a heart check. Instead of you reflecting on what the Mr. is doing & not doing just pray for him, and then look in the mirror and ask God to show you yourself, correct the mistakes you’ve made while still standing on His promises for you marriage.