Messy Season: The War Within Me
Often times I thought I knew what was going on within myself because it was the thought of knowing me, but what does this really consist of? I thought the shape of the season was teaching me some sort of season from the things that I was experiecing. I was wrong then, and I am even more clueless now
The many trails that I have faced during this stage of marriage, life, and in ministry left me crying within my own pain. I felt defeated because I thought the prayers that I prayed over the years would save a dying marriage that left the life support stage, and dug its own grave, and went more than six feet underground. I felt the death of my marriage coming against all that I was standing on for it. I even cried when My soon to be ex- husband told me earlier this year that he was playing house with another woman.
Let me rewind this a little! I really had to pull this information out of him. I asked him was he staying with another woman, and he lied, and told me no. Well the following day he faced timed me, and finally fessed up to it, and I asked him the question that would make any wife fall to her kness. Do you love her? I asked while holding my tears back in my eyes sockets. His response ” I think I do.” And my reply more than you love me? His response I don not know. this was all over us FaceTiming eachother. I did not know how to react to his response to my questions, and at this point all I could do was keep a straight face while he was still looking back at me.
I did not understand how could he tell me he loved me still, and that he missed being with me, and that he still considered me to be his best friend, but yet he still told me things that made my heart shatter into a million pieces all at on time.his heart became one with someone else’s heart, and she knew about me. I learned he’d been with her since he left me, and that pictures of them together we shared from her on his personal facebook page by her tagging him in it. I viewed this picture over, and over again. looking at his facial expression, and looking at her.I was so sick to the point I wanted to find out more about their little life together.
It seemed like he was always doing something with her, and her children. He was taking on a role that we did not share together, and it ate me up on the inside. I wanted to beat this woman’s face in because she knew that he had a wife, someone that he made etneral vows with. But what did that meant to her because a year prior to metting my husband she was going through a whole divorce herself. So she knew the pain that I was going through, and she could carieless.No one really cares about the feelings of the next person especially when they are in pain. I guess this explains the affects of her messy heart, and his, and mines.
I rememeber crying asking! God why are things going this way? I thought I was entitled because of my prayers, and because i fasted, and waited, but what I found out was two major things in this ending of my marriage.
- What I prayed for was not in vein
- It takes both parties to fight for a marriage.
I was really getting fedup to the point where i started to have desires of being with someone else to the point where I was planning to have an affair with someone that I used to hook up with back before I was a wife. I thought it would be the icing on the cake to do the same thing that my husband was doing. But every time the thought would come to my mind here comes God reminding me of the it not right factor.
As i was preparing to move out of the home that I shared with my husband I remember having this void leap out of me, it was sort of a relief, and a disappoint all at the same time. i was no longer with him, and he was no longer with me. I was left with a lot of questions, and I knew that I did not want to reside in the same town as mr. Black so I packed up what I could and ventured to Lancaster CA for the next two months living in my car. I was on a journey with just me, and my faith leading me blindly. I had a lot of healing to get done, but I had no idea where to start. so I just went to church going through the motions, and had no clue half the time I was in that state of doing so.
As I was learning this knew city i met someone that Told me I was his wife. I laughed when he first said it, and he wanted to know so much of why i was sleeping on someone’s couch instead of being at home with my own husband. I never let him in on this information because it was none of his concern. He stated to me that if I was his wife I would be at home figuring out how we both were to get past our issues. He had no clue of the deepness of what my marriage had went through.What I got out of this was he was just fishing for informaion, and I was not interested in giving him any of it. He tried to engage with me the same day, and i do not know what made me take the bate. Maybe it was the way that he looked, or it was the other things that he mentioned that I was missingg in conversation.
Whatever grabbed mt attention, and guided it to tune into whtat he was sayibg really at this moment makes me think twice about how I view the trciks of the enemy. See sometimes everything that you may desire in a person is not always sent from God. I had to reflect and remember that the devil knows somewhat of my flawed heart, and the characteristics that I like in a man, but not to its fullest extent. This increased the long days I spent with this person, and the longer nights we spoke on the phone. There was a lot of dead time that I wasted with this guy in search of someone I thought I needed because I was lacking the attention in my own marraige.
I was opening up door to my spirit that should have remained closed, but I thought I was prayed up enough to handle what I thought before hand was innocent converation. It was far from that this guy posed to be a good guy, and it too was far from the truth. i did not feel like myself when I was around him, and I even told this to my best friend, and I even knew within myaelf that this person was no good for me yet I still toyed with him day in, and day out. It was like I seen the madness right in front of me, and I still chose to walk rught in harms way with every sign screaming run the other way. It’s crazy how that works when my mind was all on healing from a separation, and still praying for reconciliation, but my actions showed otherwuse.
There are some key factors that played in my decisions to toy around in whart I was doing still giving this guy my undivided attention when I should have been on my knees praying to God on what my next move should have been. But what happened in the course of a month made my behavior different like never before. I lied to my best friend about not seeing him anymore, because at the point of it almost leading to sexual engagement I knew I had to tell someone about it before it went to far than whaer i needed it to go> I had to adjust everything about myself, and this situation at hand. I had to ask myself ksome questions, and I had to allow myself to really think about the position I was being placed in. Ultimately was I ready to go forward with being involved with someone that I barely knew while I was still married?
I had to learn things the hard way, because even though I set a plan of action to stay away from this person, because he was no good for me i still found myself being around him, because the chemistry was so good between us, and the sexual attraction was also there, and he knew just