My Focus In General
This was a post in my drafted from May 25, 2019 at 22:28 I’m just now finding the strength to press publish It’s apart of my story that I’ve already talked about… But here’s my thoughts, feelings, and objectives before it lead to the affair.
Lately I have been feeling stuck partly because I have been entertaining someone that likes me, and I have been thinking about going forward in a relationship with him. I know that this is not the time to be considering move on with someone new but I have been waiting on my husband to come around, and he is not making any type of effort; so I have been mixing in with someone else, and it has got really steamy to the point where we had a sexual encounter.
The realization behind everything is I am feeling like I am ready to move on, but I am not sure if its just coming from me or from the emotions that I am feeling as of late. I know that time, and distance can really bring things into perspective in a real way. I am not on standing for my marriage anymore, and I am really coming to a place where I am ok with living without Seretse. He will always be a reminder that I tried to stand even when things were looking crazy, but at the very moment I have to focus on my heart, and the things that I needed to do in order for me to fall back in line with God, and where I need to be in life according to God’s purpose for my life.
Today I was really shook to the core of my being. I woke up in a not so good mood, and as I got up to gather myself I found my heart in a sad state. I felt like punching something but all I did was breakdown, and cried a river of tears that did not make any sense to me. I hate crying, and I am so over these pointless tears that cries for a heart that does not cry out for my heart. I am operating in disobedience when kit comes to following God’s will for my marriage. I know I have all ground to divorce Seretse because of his infidelity but then I have to realize that I do now have crossed that line; so I sound indifferent.
I am tired of listening to my heart concerning my marriage its like I’m waiting to get hurt all over again. I just want to be free in order to mov on. I do not want to currently carry his last name, and I am in no way currently associated with him; so why am I counting on reconciling with him anymore. I really do not know what is happening within my heart but I do know that I have to focus on healing, and as long as I have my mind on Seretse, and my friend my healing will not start. So my determination is to turn them loose, and to focus on me, and where I am headed in God.
Truth be told I will be perfectly fine with being single, and serving God frfr, because sex is so overrated, and having a whole relationship with anyone is way to much. I do not want to have the responsibility of having to care for someone, and or to have a care to figuring out something new within a something new. I just want to have peace within myself, and get back to the me I know I can become again. The strong woman of God that spends time in her word, and the woman that prays for Kingdom principles.
In all of of the I know that my heart will go on, and that I will live a happier life one that will not have a reminder of hurt. I am aware that the regret of ending my marriage will leave a little wound in my heart but I am ready to deal with it. I am ready to face the music knowing that my marriage could not survive the fiery trails that comes with life, and in the pit of these last two years I have noticed that there has not been a true fight to save this marriage on either end.
I am working on relaxing my mind from the sound of the noise that rushes through when someone comes up, and tells me they ran into my soon to be ex husband, and they says that he looks happy, and he is not concerned about you “his wife.” I am tired of being shuffled in the mud with his actions, and I am not going to dance around this marriage anymore it is a wrap.