Running From The Truth

Running From The Truth

The way of my faith is not noticeable any more, and i feel like I want to blind back in with the world because I feel like I am not strong enough to beat the odds in what I am facing in this season. I feel like i keep allowing myself to get caught up in things that are not meant for me to be in or even around.

my conscious is not where it needs to be, and I have not been seeking God as often as I should except for this morning. I got up and had a real raw conversation with God, and I asked Him to show me was my marriage his will for my life, and other things that were on my heart to get a cross to Him.

I miss the relationship that I share with God but I keep placing things in front of Him. I am not feeding my spirit, and I keep running from what i know is the truth. I know that God is all knowing, and all seeing; but what happens when I keeping making excuses as to why I do not want to do this or that?

I feel so empty, so sad on the inside. I feel like the only thing i want to do is lay around the house, and cry my eyes out. The truth of the matter is I want to feel love, I want to feel what I know in human form. But is this the only way for me to seek out what the heart wants? There has to be some other attachment that I can connect to other than the human body. Right? I miss my husband, but I am so tired of hearing from the lips of talkers of what he is doing, and how he is not concerned about me, and how he has moved on with his life.

 

I want to do the same, and i want to do it without being interrupted in the process, and I know that when this happens it a done deal on my end. But I think about what God is doing in the middle of all my sinful ways. why does he want to reconcile a damage and unhealed marriage? I can not understand why it matters to him so much when my husband, and I have hurt each other so much to where it is not repairable.

My heart is in ruins, my mental is deeply damaged, and i do not know if I can hold on to God, and suffer in this trails of marriage, and ministry. I was listening to the song “Broken” today By Shekinah Glory Ministries as I going through something so raw, and so deep that I told God I can not serve you any longer. I told Him that I was not cut out for this life. There is so much pain in saying yes to God, and no one can tell me different. The things that i have suffered for the Gospel is great, and the places I have been spiritually have been breathe taking, and at the same time I questioned for the first time in my life is it worth it?

 

I reach out to my mother, and told her my thought process, and the first thing she told me was that God said that this broke his heart hearing this from me, and I was like sorry, and she told me this will break your best friends heart, and I was like sorry. People do not know that silent battles that I face I am legit tired of going from happy in ministry to sad in the process of the wait.

Now to be totally honest I have not done my full best in this season because I have allowed myself to be influenced by some actions that I normally would run from, and at the same time i know that theTh. current things that I find myself entertaining is not even me. I wonder if i will ever get back in the fight like I use to be in. Fighting in prayer, fighting by digging deeper into the word of God. I have no clue who I am right now, and I do not want to be one of these Christians out here just faking a feeling.

 

I need God  to just really shake me, and put my back on the potters will. I am definitely willing to do my works again. All I know is that I want to get back into a place in God where nothing can distract me from Him. I pray that He will reach down from heaven and give me a sense of direction of where I am headed in Him. I am currently walking on shattered glass with a broken balance in my faith. I want to be cleansed once again in His Blood. I am so tired of being defeated my myself, and by the enemy.

 

The fact of the matter is I am tired of running from the truth, if love is love, and my marriage is meant to be reconciled by the father than I have to stop allowing others to depict how I should handle things concerning my marriage. I have to learn on God, and stop running on this playground called my feelings. There is much more to me that what I know I am really at a stand still, and i really need you guys to intercede on my behalf.