An Unloved Daughter

An Unloved Daughter

Fear has kept me from writing about this, but fear will not stop me from healing through writing this.  Jereè – Founder of Mend The Vow

A repeated cycle is all I know about her. There is no depth of of a mother, and daughter relationship. She just pushed me out, and left me to fight in this world alone. I never noticed how cruel the world was until I begin to feel the effects of it, and it became even realer when I felt the coldness of my mothers shoulder as it turned even colder towards me as a child, teenager, and as an adult.

 

I always somehow find myself grieving the relationship that never formed between her, and I. Its like I yerned for a mothers love, and all she gave me was a distant heart. I cannot remember ever being close to her let alone feeling loved by her. But she always knew how to fake like she needed me; but this only happened when she needed something from me.

 

At the age of thirteen years of age I asked Paulette to go to counseling with me. We scheduled the appointment, but there was never a session of theropy to be had. She never took into account the damage that she allowed to happen in my life. The abuse of different men that sexually assaulted me as a child. She never ever said she was sorry for the rape at the age of eleven when T.C came back around in our lives. How could she not protect me?

 

I have a lot of resentment towards her, but I still love her, and this is the things that I do not understand about myself. How can I love a monster that has a title of mother? She invaded my space with hugs, and alter calls, but truth be told religion is just a huge front on her part to cover up the mask pain that she placed on me.

 

I never felt the affection of a mothers love, and I longed for it to the point I wsould be around her while barring the pain that was afflicted on me by the men she allowed around me as a child. The measures of scars felt from this heart never seems to close when the wounds on my heart are still bleeding open.

 

She hid from the world behind the pulpit selling dreams to people of faith while destroying me at home. The first time I met my father was the first time I felt a solid love from a parent, and although he remained in, and out of my life one thing never failed his love for me.

Today I am choosing to free my heart from her pain, and today I cried in releasing this. My efforts is to grow past this cycle of hurt, dysfunction, and move into the lane of healing, and betterment of myself as a woman. I refuse to live another day unhinged in the shadows of a love that I can never find within my mothers heart for me.

 

No matter how the wind blow on my face I will never know the beauty of a mothers love, but i do know that the abuse stops her I will no longer allow it to breathe in my heart, ans or around the heart of the women that I will give birth to one day.

 

Here are some traits of cycles of abuse

  • Your child suddently withdrawls from their normal activies 

  • Your child becomes more, and more distant from people that were once close to

  • Your child does openly talk to you like they use too

  • Your child shows signs of sexual maturity too soon in their age bracket

  • Your child starts to act out for no reason 

When a child experiences any form of sexual abuse it ties them to their abuser for the rest of their natural life. there are times where I remember wanting to take my own life, and I was only elven years of age. I ran away from home because the sexual abuse was beginning to become so unbarable. I could not take him sticking it in, and out of me on a consistant basis. The pain was too deep, and when I form the courage at the age of twelve years old to tell my mother she slapped me, and told my abuser to go back in the house after she put me out, and sent me away to live with my big sister.

 

This jouney of digging deeper into that closet of hurt, and peeling back the fear to tell of this is crushing me right now, but I am fighting for my healing this time around.

 

If you are experiencing any pain of sexual abuse, and or are healing from childood abuse tell someone, and know that you can always reach out and e-mail me with your question, or just to vent hopeforthehealing@gmail.com