Posts Tagged “The Moment After”

The Moment After

The Moment After

When the light go off tonight, and the sounds of the winds blow through the cracks of your window pain.

What is the one things racing endlessly through your mind tonight?

Are you feeling restless about something?

Have you begin to lay awake in the midst of your worry?  

I remember allow my thoughts to take over my every move, and I would set trapped in the compartment of my mind battling my intter thought. I remeber not being able to silence my mind, and the fear of not getting another nights rest would always linger in the back of my mind.

I would always wonder would God rescue me from the misery that I was trapped in, and it took many sleepness nights, and early mornings for me to realize that i cound not jus simply sit , and desire for God to effectly change my situation, but I had to affirm within my mind that I had to push back the thoughts that I was wrestling with.

Thoughts of ending my life, because I was damged both physically & mentally from the shame of me being raped as a young girl, and the mental abuse that I went through as a child, and as a young adult. I thought suicide was the only option. so back in (2009) I took an enormous amount of pills, and was out like i would not breath again, but much to my unfortunately surprise i woke up in the emergency room while the doctor was pumping my stomach.

I was told to drink this which was some dark substance which later on i found out it was charcol. It;s meant to consume any linger amount of pill residue that was not pumped out of my stomach. I was then placed on a 72 hour hold to be evaluated, and boy did they run a number of question my way .

i was wrestling with my own mess, and then I had to deal with a bunch of professionals throwing questions here, and there my way. I wanted to go home so bad, but they wanted to figure out a way to get me to discuss my problems what they really wanted to know is… What brought on the need for me to desire to end my life.

I didn’t open up to the staff right away until they let me know that by law they could hold me for a year, and I started to rethink of telling them my reason why I decided to take my own life. if anyone knows about angels well you have to know that demonic forces exist as well, and that night as i was home alone reeling from the pain of my present, and my past the darkness of hell came upon me, abd flooded my pathway.

The enemy coldly reminded me of all the things that negatively happened to me.

Not having my father in my life

Not being able to bond with my mother

Not being able to bare children

Not having someone to love me as I am

All these things in that moment were true, and I did not fight back because he knocked me down, and hit me where he knew it would leave a huge whole in my heart again. I follishy listen to him when he said no one loved me, but my spirit did not. If only I knew to draw from it, and fight back. But God knew in that very moment that He loved me, and that He care about my life even if I longer cared about my life.

Isn’t it funny how God wrecks our entire life without permission? I wanted my life to end, and God with out needing my say so remove the the hand of death from my life. I am eternally grateful that He did not let me go out like a punk.

I did not know back then that I’d be sharing that part of myself. But God knew, and He is always intentional with His plans, and purpose for His children. If you are facung depression, suicidual thoughts, or any dark moments pray the following prayer with me.

God,

Take me under the shaows of your healing wings, and provided reast for my weary heart. Let not my soul be troubled another night. i trust the plans that you have for me, and I am determined to see the exchange of my pain for your purpose for my life. I need you, and I desire a grater change for my life.

i pray these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.

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