Today I Embraced My Issues

Today was the day that I had my first counseling session, and let me tell you it was somewhat comfortable, and uncomfortable at the same tine. There were a lot of things that flowed freely in the conversation on my end that i was surprised about that i shared with my therapist the reason why is I just do not feel comfortable share my life with someone i do not know but this was so different.

There were certain topcs that came up that i truly thought wold not bother me if I talked about them but boy was I wrong like the death of my father really still internally rips me to pieces each time I talked about him today because I still miss him, and have not dealt with the absence of him being murdered back in 2013.

 

I was a true Daddy’s Girl, and no one could tell me anything where my father was concerned it feels like I lived in a place of solitude after he passed away i was bitter, and angry with no sense of understanding as to why this would happen at that particular time in my life when my father, and I were mending our relationship after not being in one another ‘s life for sometime. This really shook the core of my heart, and I really just shooved my feelings to the back burnng, and moved on with my life like he never died.

Today I found out that I was still in mourninkg, and that I needed to figure out away to set some time aside, and release the pain, and to finally heal, and move forward from the absence of not having my father anymore. There will always be days to where i might allow his face to cross my memory bank, and at other times I just will not think of him. I remember the times where I would want his picture up to reflect on the love him, and I shared as father, and daughter but i cannot even bring myself to look at pictures of him because it hurts to much.

I know will come to a resolve in putting this chapter in my life into perspective, and I will celebrate the love that i once shared with my father by living a bold life before God, and representing all the good qulaities that my father instilled inside of his heart but could not carry out. My father loved to write poetry, and I love to write poetry so i think I will do something in that area to celebrate him daily.

My husband is not my father, but why did I expect him to father me?

Today i notice through the years I have been pressing the issue silently for my husband to fulfill the duties of my father like love me, and take away all of myfear like my father would, and the pressure of not getting all of what i expected really made me angry until I realized a few months back that it was not my husbands job to father me he is my husband, and not my father this was hard to take in because my husband was there for everything from the time my father was in the hospital until they found my dad murdered outside of his apartment building.

As I begin to discuss these things with my therapist tears were falling from my face because i thought about all of the pressure that I’d placed on my husbands shoulders. Things had to be repaired between us in this area but how, and where would I begin to start? What would I say to him to get him to understand my need to apologize?

Other issues & topics that were touched on during this session! 

my mother came up in this session, and it was something that left me feeling a bit shady for a few reasons.

Issues that were dissed during this session that has a major impact on my life. 

  1. Becoming a better me, and a better wife.

2. My mother never mothered me, and we lived in the same home, and she was the moment distant person in my life, and it is still like this today. 

3. The man that sexually assaulted me came up.

4. Planning goals to heal from it all.

There is a long road ahead in this healing process, and there will be a lot of pain that will be unearthed in these sessions to come but I know one thing God has eveything concernig me in the palm of His hands.

 

Tonight I am standing on this passage of scripture for this journey in my healing process. 

“I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.

He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee. Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone. Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭91:2-13‬ ‭KJV‬‬