it’s night time here where i am in sunny California, and right now all I want to do is rest my mind, and ask God to help me find me in Him again. Have you ever found yourself in this boat of feeling unsure of where your faith is leading you if anywhere?
Sometimes my days are more tougher than most, and on others days my worries seem to be lighter , and filled with less stress. i intake on the harsh days that I experience in my day to day life, and sometimes it is hard to examine what is real, and what is not real. There is this thick fog that enters the room, and dwells there for a time, and sifts the air right out of my body without me ever missing an in take of what is going on around me .
I never know when I will get out of this haze effect that I am in. I literally have to push myself yto talk to God, and I really have to just lock myself in the bathroom just to have quiet time, but sometimes I feel like this is not enough… Like why am I hiding myself in a mid size bathroom just to have some alone time with God?
Before I got placed in this dark place in my life I had this huge light that shibed inside of my heart, but I walked around like I was the most popular person in the Kingdom of heaven like no one could tell me anything, and if anyone had opposite opinion other that that of my own I would kfeel like their truth behind that was irrelevant because I had this I had to be right about everything that was attached to me, and that came from within me. Have you ever been in this state of mind before?
See I know now, and I knew back then that God has to be glorified in all matters in my life, and although He was at all times in my life I was around people, places, and things that rubbed off on me, and I started to develop this sense of entitlement because I was saved by grace, and I was walking in the full purpose of my calling or so I thought. I was preaching here, and there, and I was mentoring women, and leading prayer calls, and really just coming into my own as a minister. But what or who was I doing it for?
I found myself going over things in my mind like how I was serving God, and ow He was allowing my then marriage to fall through the cracks. I thought to myself obedience was getting me, or what I was praying for my then marriage no where, and I was really counting on God to show the world that my prayer to Him alone would set the standard of how women should intercede on behalf of their marriage in order for it to prosoer God;s way.
One day I got the news that my then husband was out there using drugs, and sleeping around, and the more I found out of his actions out there in those streets the more I encounter God; because I wanted my then marriage to work out, and to be healed, and fuly reconciled back togkether like him, and I never experienced the filth that infidelity. I was living in the state of delusion, and I was not ready to come out of it because I was not ready to accept the fact that My then marriage was coming to a forever end.
There are traces of my prayers that I can still hear in the back of my mind, and there are those lonely night that I remember that still sometimes plays in the back of my mind. How did I not see the signs that God was not going to answer what I was praying for?
When i thought about how weak I was, and the things I poured out to embrace the struggle that I was in while in that marriage I begin to feel so small, and I begin to just look at my paltiform as a negative because the time that I poured in sharing my raw truth, and the naked parts of my marriage I thought in my mind it was all for nothing.
But why was I feeling this way? Was sharing the heart of my than failed marriage the onlym purpose for creating this platform? i came so close to shutting everything down, and just stepping away from it all until God remind me that there was, and is still purpose for Mend The Vow, and that nothing that He formed for this ministry was by mistake. This placed my heart at ease somewhat, but I still had those moments where I wanted to just shut it down, and move on with my life quietly.
Life begin to change for me when i stopped looking at myself as my own savor, and when I started to embrace God slowly again as my savor knowing that my existance aside from Him is nothing short of boring. I know how much i need to extend my life back to the alter of God knowing that He is the only one that can repair the broken pieces of this life of mind.
If you are experiencing similarities i encourage you. to do a self examination on your heart, and when you find the ugly truth that you have been walking in Vainglory I urge you to set God higher above anything in your life including yourself.
Hello! My name is Jereè and I began this BLOG to share my journey as a Woman unapologetically as I start the process of mending the pieces of my broken life with God’s help by sharing my life #UnMended while Baring the deepest parts of myself has been very hard, but is so worth it in the end to see the woman I’ll become. So Cheers to healing, and to celebrating my freedon as a woman, in love, in life, and in faith. May you also grow from what I’ve grown from. Xo Jereè