After The Pain

It is no secrets that i have been hiding in the shadows of my pain. From the watch tower of my soul yerns to be back in a place of worship, but my faith is at a standstills, and it is reducing each day to next to nothing. ~ Jereè Fouder of

There is so much to be said about a woman that is facing Divorce while still hiding from the emotional pain of her toxic marriage. The only comfort I find these days is living out of purpose because I do not have to feel inspired, faith driven, and or obedient to seek the call on my life.


This is real life for me right now, and the more time I spend  doing nothing the more I hunger for my purpose without making any attempts on most days to get back into the fight for my spiritual life.

Key points I have thought about

  1. What if I told the whole truth & it back fires while leading women further into sin?
  2. What if I stayed absolutely silent while women suffered due to my disobedience?
  3. What if I shared my heart & no one got healed?
  4. What if doing this thing called ministry could saved myself?


These things cross my mind from time to time, and it bothers me deeply to no end to know that I may be fulfilling my incomplete purpose if I do or say nothing. I am faced with being rejected, and or going back to fully surrendering my will to God’s will and just merely chunking the deuces to everything, and everyone while just being real, and unapologetically me.


So here’s what happened to me while stuck in a 7 year marriage that produce the woman that I am today, and in this moment….

I sought to redeem a broken will in my marriage, and the outcome in my mind would lead to a reconciled marriage. I begin in 2017 to pray it out, and to fast it out while I was still married to my soon to be ex- husband. We were still under the same roof, but he was never really home, and I begin to feel it. I would call, and get no answer. I would wait up like a Crackhead     in our living room by the window waiting for any hope that he would come home that night.

I would literally not each for days just to make sure I looked my best for him, and I would make sure that I would dress extra cute for him so that he would compliment me just so that i mentally could say we spoke. The sad truth is when I exchange alcohol, and weed for salvation back in 2016 he started to trip on me in a major way statng that he was loosing his best friend due to the fact that I did not indulge in those things anymore. I was his late night rider, his chill partner, his lean on me when the world got to heavy on his shoulder kind of girl.


The level of disrespect that followed after finding my way back to God was crazy.

I never imagine that the person that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with would display such a level of betrayal. and discomfort that I have gone through I never seen it coming from my ex-husband. You really never know what someone is capable of until you see the real ugly side of them when things are falling apart in your marriage. I never assumed to know him completely, but i knew him well enough to know that a dark side lived within him, and I knew that if I did anything to awaken it I would Know that forces of his demons.

The adjustments after it all.

I decided to move out of the place we once lived in as husband, and wife. I decided to pack up all of my belongings, and throw away everything else that I had no use for. I then packed my car up, and headed to another city far away to clear my thoughts, and to purge him out of my system. I want to erase the pain, the lies, and the unmasked torture that I felt when I was in his presence.


What Happened to me in that season?

i lived in my car for over 2 months, and I joineda 24 hours fitness to shower daily, and I ate fast food twice a day, and I still attended church, and I still fasted, and prayed to get clarity on this new journey that I was currently on. I never thought I would end up in this place, but it was one of the most peaceful times in my life, and even after experiencing so much in that marriage I experienced so much in getting free from it all.

After things were fgetting more clear I was seeking God on what to do next, and the next thing i knew my car broke down, and I was stuck in the parking lot of the 24 hour fitness for more than 7 days with my car shut down. I was so convinced that this was the work of the enemy, but after examining things in prayer, and in my own lane of things I came to the conclusion that my help was coming to an end in this season of grief.

The Moment of exhaustion 

I became very tired, and i wanted to just get away from where i was, and I begin to really cry out to God pleading with Him on what was going to become the next thing on the list to do in this journey, and I clearly remember Him whispering in my ear” go toyour mother’s house.” This was out, because I did not want to go to my mothers house because that was the last place that I wanted to rest my head. i told God that I was not going to go to my mothers house… And guess what things got worst, and I got on the phone and called my mother, and she confirmed what God told me without me even saying anything about it to her. I eneded up selling my car for $230 and mind you I just paid $1100 for my car back in March of 2019, and It ended up going belly up in April 2019.


The moment I knew it was time to file for divorce. 

I was at my mothers house for about 2 weeks, and I was in somesort of contact with my ex-husband, and our vibes were all the way off, and i wanted to just be done with it all. so on May 29, 2019 i officially file the paper work to start my divorce, and to begin my freedom as a woman.

In this video clip I express how I felt on the day I chose to file for my divorce. 


Going through this process has not been easy it has been filled with various emtional strains that I never ever want to encounter ever again. I fel weak in my spirit, and as a woman I feel like I should, and will make better decisons when it comes to love, life, and marriage in the future,