I remember asking myself this on yesterday as I was in church yesterday. Jeree who are you? And it’s like my spirit went numb, because I started to relive somethings that I didn’t like about my mother, and how I wanted her out of my life once and for all. I told myself on yesterday that today was going to be the last day that I would ever step foot in her church, and once time went on I allowed myself to consider the option of totally exiting my mother out of my life for good.
So Again I had to ask myself. Who are you?
I am a daughter of mother that gave me to the streets before I even had a chance. See my mother really didn’t care what happened to me or my soul because she was busy running now from church to church trying to find a place to belong, because on the inside she was broken, and hurting on the inside from things that happened in her past which I never knew until I got older. I am the daughter of a mother who came up in a strang way. Her great grandmother committed suicide, because my greate grandfather’s girl friend poisoned my great grandmother’s child, and the child died in my great grandmother’s arms. A few days later my grandmother was committed to a mental institution, because she didn’t know how to handle the lost of her new born dying in her arms.
There was no one there to provide a shoulder to lean on and a heart to understand. My mothers mom fell into a series of unfair marriages and side relationships. She sought attention from men in order to fill comforted, and in turn she gained money, and other expensive items from the men that were in her life. My mother was rape by two of her brothers, and reported the incidents to my grandmother, but all was said was girl I don’t want to hear that. So the damage of emotional scars stil lingered in my mothers heart. By the time my mother was 13 years old she was pregnant with a set of twins from my father, but she lost them due to being abused for being promiscuous. Two years later she ended pregnant again with my eldest sister. This is when all of the on going emotional, and psychological abuse started at the hands of my father. She stayed with him from 1972 – 1996. I have seen my mother get kicked by my farther, and slapped in the face just because she asked him could she go see waiting to exhale with her sisters in Christ.
I never looked at how my mothers up bringing affected how she would raise not only me, but the rest of her children. My up bringing was very dark, and unloving. My mother would beat us from sun up to sun down whenever my father wasn’t in the picture, because he would always been in jail due to his criminal activity in the streets he hung out in. She would make us pay from the things that he did to her, and she didn’t like the fact that he treated us somewhat well when he was home. When my father was in the picture he would at least make sure that we all had food on the table, and decent clothes to wear to school. Now as far as my mother she wouldn’t feed us, because this was another form of punishment that she inflicted upon us. She would go out to expensive restaurants with her pastor, and would bring us day old salad and toss it on the floor, and say are y’all hungry?
I was 11 years old when she did this, and seeing how careless she was with not having to care for her children lead to me being raped in that very house that we lived in. I can recall that night so well. The year was 1994, and I can remember being woke out of my sleep and being carried to the bathroom by my brothers friend. He laid me on that clod floor, and raped me. This was his gateway of conquering what he started 5 years before. He started molesting me from the age of 7 – 12 years old. He made me do some unspeakable things, and I held them in for years. Finally at the age of 12 years old I released the secret that he forced me to keep for so long. One night I confided in one of my brothers, and he confronted him, and they fought. My mother ended up kicking all of her children out, and allowing the man that sexually abused me to remain living with her.
I knew than that she had to have had some kind of sexual relationship with my abuser. In that same year of 1994 my mom ended up dragging us to the Bay Area where I became more involved with a older man that was 13 years my senior, because I needed a familiar attachment that my abuser gave me. I was entangled in what I had found was soul ties that was trying to draw me back to my abuser. I became consumed with weed, and alcohol at the age of 12 years a old. I went from being a down to earth young lady to a full fledged grown woman at 12 years old. I was stuck in a dark place for many years, and I never got any help from what I had gone through; so the weed & alcohol provided numbness to everything that took place in my life. At the age of 15 I got into a serious relation with a man that was 20 years old, and I want to have a child so badly, because I had something to prove to my mother. I want to show her that I could be and do better than you as a parent, but it was revealed that I could not conceive do to the fact of my rape. My body wasn’t fully developed, and when he raped me he crushed my insides, and left me barren. He also gave me a sexually transmitted diseases which thank God in heaven that was curable. Years past by, and I just started living a dangerous lifestyle. I got into this heavy relationship with this guy name Rico.
Rico and I met when I was 20 years old, and we carried on a relationship for six years. I ended up with Rico, because he provided what at the time I thought was real love, and protection. He was a real life gang banger, thug, and was tied up in all type of things that went on in the streets. What unfolded in my life with him was him controlling me pulling knifes on me, and as well as guns, because I didn’t want to go places with him. I went from being his loving girl friend to being his object of control. He had to know where I was at all times, and at first I looked at in as though he just loves me, and didn’t want anything to happened to me. This was not the case he wanted to know my ware a outs, because he was out there cheating on me, and didn’t want me running into him where he wasn’t suppose to be. The major incident that made me leave the relationship was in 2006. He tried to kill me my sister and my sister two young children. I left with the clothes on my back, and never looked back. But the things is I still had all this baggage that was weighing on me, and it started to get very heavy. I tried escaping this world by committing suicide in 2009, but it wasn’t in Gods plan for my life to end that way. I was kept on a 72 hour hold in a Kentucky hospital. I never thought that I would be a the lowest point in my life. I thought that I would have peace in death, but I was brought back to live with the demons that haunted me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know that I would ever find peace in my life in my heart or even in love.
In 2011 I met the man who is now my husband. God sent him to love me. Nor just as my husband, but as a man of God.
30 years of hell I endured, and God sent him to my rescue. Now I didn’t even want.man, I wasn’t even thinking about getting married, because my marriage before him didn’t work out. I spent years and years in this she’ll even after I got married to the man which is the love of my life. I praise God for him, because he challenged me to fight my issues, and not just suppressed them. He told me that this isn’t how you’re going to leave your life. You’re going to get to the bottom of your fears, and deal with them head on. Boy did he challenged me in love. I was the worst communicator when we first met, and he was really mad about it, but he never did anything, but love me back to life. He is part of the reason that I share my story to heal women that are still facing most or even all of the issues that I have dealt with. Today I am a loving wife that is dealing with over coming years of mental and physical abuse. But God gave me the will, and the call to do this work of helping women overcome what their past have subjected them to. The story of my youth and most of my adult hood has shaped me into what I thought I would be for the rest of my life. But I can now see that gods purpose has always been what I am meant to do. Now I challenge each person that is coming in contact with is blog post to ignite a blazing fire in your heart, and in your mouth to have the courage to share your journey with me. I want to hear about your story, and what help you’re seeking or will seek in the present future. I am always here for the lost, and broken women. I share your hurt, and I share your voice. I” speak for you until you find your voice. Healing won’t come unless you stand up look in the mirror and tell your past to get out of your way.
Here’s my advice to you.
You have to forgive the people that caused you pain, and most importantly you have to forgive yourself. You have to be open to deal with painful issues in order to heal from your past. It has taken me over 30 plus year to reach this point in my adult life. I had to be wise, and learn how to forgive little by little, and when I started to make progress it felt life this mountain as beginning to remove its -self out of my way. Stop living in your past life. Stop hurting over the things that has happen. Learn to love you, and when your develope a relationship with God talk to him. Ask him how to heal your heart. Pray for self strength, because the long will be long, but so worth the journey to your healing place. Nothing will ever hurt you again, because once you give it to God and your take back your power God becomes your protector.
To open their eyes, and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of sat an unto God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins, and inheritance among them which are sanctified by faith that is in me.